Yesterday I had a so called interview at the place I didn’t like, but I just wanted to know where will all these interviews lead me to. So, I went there, met the interviewer, he asked a couple of questions, then told me I’m accepted to work with them. The normal reaction was to be happy, but I wasn’t. I asked if I can tell him my reply the next day, but he refused, and told me if I’ll start, that will be immediately!!
I was really confused, whether to accept or reject the offer. I thought I won’t lose anything by trying, at least I’ll gain experience, and I accepted.
Don’t ask me what happened, coz I myself don’t know! I just felt that it’s not my place.. I can’t imagine myself going there everyday. I was counting the minutes for me to leave the place.
Finally I left, and the only thought I had, I won’t do that to myself the next day. I'd be really stupid if I did.
The moment I entered home.. I couldn’t stop myself from crying.. for what reason?! I don’t know!
I don’t know what was it that I didn’t like.. is it people, the kind of work, feeling that I won’t be capable of doing the work well, being lazy, passive, my low self esteem?!!!! All these might be reasons.. but are they the only ones?!
Today, I waked up, called the manager, and told him sorry I won't be joining you! Whether I'm right or wrong in what I did, I feel that I'm now more relaxed.
Sometime I feel I don’t want to work in that field of mine, and I want to do any other thing. Other times, I feel I love that kind of career, and I see myself completely fitting there. Other times, I feel I just need to sit home, do nothing, but I know I’ll be bored very soon, plus I need to do something, to add value to my community. I’ve always believed in that saying “en lam tazed shay2an 3ala el 7ayah takon anta za2odon 3alyha”.
I don’t want to be useless, but I’m too lazy and passive to do anything.. or may be I didn’t find that thing that triggered me to work on it happily, that satisfies me.. something that makes me feel I’m adding something with value.
I just don’t know.. I don’t know where am I leading myself to.. and I’m sure I’m gonna regret it afterwards.