Saturday, August 30, 2008
Each time I open my blog to drop a few lines, I end up browsing other blogs, and by the end of my tour, I don't feel like writing..

Been doing this for sometime.. not sure what is the reason behind me losing interest in writing.. actually I'm not sure it's losing interest, may be I don't want to confront myself anymore..

Dropping lines in my blog always involved some self confrontation which I'm escaping.. I'm not consciously escaping it, however it's my subconscious I believe..

At times I feel I have some unresolved issues which requires that I sit all by myself and think about it.. this never happens these days.. even when I'm just doing some physical effort like walking, I can no longer get deep into myself and have all the voices inside talk.. I just feel some scattered thoughts here and there, unable to even identify them..

Is it a denial state? I don't want to admit things to myself.. or I'm afraid?! May be I'm feeling weak.. and I don't want to be strict over myself any more..

I don't know.. but still, every night I have the urge to open my blog and write.. finally I did it.. only because I promised myself I'll just write whatever comes to my mind.. no prior thinking of what this post is about..

So, what topics am I having these days in my head?!
Ramdan?! may be..
Marriage?! Yes, it's consuming a lot of my brain cells these days..
Work?! it became the only thing in my life..
Family?! I know I'm not giving them what I should..

Every year, at the same timing.. couple of days before Ramdan, I keep questioning myself, is it gonna be any different?! any different than my normal days, any different than the previous Ramdan?! I don't have an answer.. I became too weak to control myself.. yes, that's one major change, I no longer control how I think or how I feel.. I just do it..

I remember in the past I used to think hundred times before I do a single thing, or speak a single word.. I no longer do this.. I'm not sure whether this is good or not... but it was something that I wanted to experience.. to stop over thinking things.. once an idea crosses my mind I just do it..

One of these things was a phone call I did about a week ago.. it just crossed my mind I need to call this person, and ask him a direct question.. once the idea just popped in my mind, I did it.. started a normal phone call, by the end of it I thought for a second to shut up and end it.. but without thinking I found myself asking him.. was hoping the question would open a two way conversation.. to speak things out, from my side and his as well.. but to my despair, the answer came short, straight to the point.. he didn't give me any chance to continue any conversation.. and I just ended the call!

After this call, I really hated myself.. hated how I'm acting these days.. I'm putting myself in situations that I regret afterwards.. I give people the chance to make fun of me.. I'm talking too much.. I'm letting out more than I should.. I'm no longer keeping any thing as private for myself.. I'm wondering, is it a result of all those years I kept everything for myself, so there is no room for keeping anything else..

I'm not sure.. but what I really realized I became very talkative.. at least compared to who I used to be..

Back to Ramadan.. I hate how people are stereotyping it.. and to counteract this stereotyping, I just don't do what all other people do.. yes, without thinking, it's that stupid stubborn me.. but I just hate it.. people taking everything for granted.. as if praying tarawee7 is the only thing that will make me a good muslim.. I just hate how people are looking at it.. I hate the expectations.. from others, and from myself.. I'm no longer up to the expectations of anyone.. I just don't do anything.. I'm out of control!

Deep, deep within myself I need to be a better person.. I know I'm missing something.. I'm missing faith.. or in other words I need to work on it.. I need to understand more.. to be more convinced, to do what I really believe in doing.. not because that's what all people around are doing.. I hate to think with other people's minds..

I'm like that in everything.. I like to experience things first, I then take my own decision formulated upon my own experience.. I hate to judge movies by what my friends say about it, or even by what critics write.. I have to see it, feel it.. experience the whole thing, and then take my decision whether it's good or not..

Same for everything in my life.. but life is too short to waste in testing everything.. at a certain time I just have not to re-invent the wheel.. and complete from where others stopped..

Confused.. Yes I am.. that feeling of emptiness is killing me.. I reached that extent of pretending I'm not empty.. but that's not true.. I pretend I think, but I'm no longer able to.. I pretend I feel, but I'm no longer able to.. I pretend I care, but I'm no longer able to..

I'm no longer able to live this life.. I'm tired, bored & empty..

Work has been horrible for the past two weeks.. my colleague was on a vacation, and I had to carry out her work.. and it was really like crazy.. it was not about the work only, but who I'm dealing with.. we are having a two new fresh grads. who are really turning my life into hell.. and the worst thing that they are unintentionally doing this.. they are trying to help.. but they are toooo nagging.. they are not giving me my space.. they just keep jumping over my head.. spending all day long at my desk.. I'm not able to pay their attention that this irritates me.. actually I tried.. but they never got the message.. I reached a point when I was going to aggressively deliver my message, but tried as much as I can not to.. I have to admit, part of the problem is mine.. I should make it clear in a good way, I have to coach them.. teach them.. but I'm incapable.. last Wednesday, I took half the day off.. just escaping from them.. and Thursday I didn't go to the head office, and went to another location just to escape being with them, and so I'll do on Sunday..

The only thing I'm capable of doing these days is just escape!!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:48 PM, | 4 comments