I’ve been unconditionally happy for the past couple of days. A strange thing, but I’m happy that way. Trying my best to adapt to where I am and see the good sides. Definitely there are good sides that I didn’t previously see. I’m kinda trying to adapt a positive attitude and stop torturing myself for once in my life.
It’s amazingly showing on me. I mean, my inner happiness is reflected physically on my face. A cheerful face that I haven’t seen for a while.
I'll be doing something to monitor my progress in this. Each day I’ll be putting a smiley face on my blog, :) for being happy, :( for being unhappy, and every now and then I’m gonna check my progress and count the number of :) and that of :(. For a start, this post is marked by the :) sign.
It’s a full moon tonight, was planning to go out and enjoy the refreshing weather together with the full moon, but my friends turned me down :( We weren’t able to arrange for something. We planned to make it tomorrow, but it wasn’t arranged either.
I thought of going out by myself, but I felt I won’t enjoy it. I was in the need for that small company of friends.
Sometimes I try my best not to admit my need for others, but sooner or later I find myself admitting it. Sometimes I feel it’s weakness.. other times I feel others are not always here for me, so I shouldn’t be depending on them all the time.
Something weird that I realized in all my relations with people. From the first time I get to know anyone, I assume I’m the weak part of that relation. I always assume that I’m led by the other side. Something that I’m not fond of.
I always assume I’m the weak part, the less knowledgeable, the less creative, the less sociable, the less thinking, etc.. However, inside of me, I know I’m not that. It’s always a fear of something that controls me. But fear of what?!! I was never able to figure it out. Fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of doing something wrong, fear of people’s misjudgments, fear of higher authorities. Have been always trying my best to be right. But very soon I discovered there is nothing called ‘right’. No absolute right.