Deep blue ocean

Friday, July 07, 2017
Two years!! yes, it's been two years since I last wrote here.. I just could not imagine how time is flying.. This has been the most soothing place for me.. a safe zone as they call it.. I just wish sometimes that my blog was a person that can hug me and tell me that everything will be ok, I come here and pour all the thoughts and questions that no one else is willing to listen and discuss with me.. 
I'm tired of everything.. at times I feel I can no longer live this life.. psychologically I can not.. I'm too weak for it.. day after day I'm getting more fragile and sensitive.. I feel like being lost in the middle of a deep blue ocean.. all alone in the darkness.. at times I feel like surrendering to the ocean, I'm tired of the endless swimming.. I can see no hope.. I know one day I will just give up.. But that's not how I used to think.. but I just can't find my old self anymore.. she is lost.. 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 7:24 PM, | 1 comments

Random 30's thoughts

Tuesday, June 23, 2015
akteb bel 3araby wala akteb bel english..wala franco.. 3ala word document wala wara2a w 2alam..akteb fi korasa mest7'beya fi dorg maktaby wala akteb fi el blog wala note 3ala facebook.. tafaseel keteer 3amalah afakar fiha.. w fi el a7'er mabktbsh 7aga! hwa ana bakteb leih aslan.. mogarad ta3beer 3an nafsy.. w tanfees 3an kamm el afkar el mela7'bata ely gowaya.. wala bakteb 3lshan el nas te2ra w t2oly allah 7elw.. hwa ana mestnya mosharka fe3lan min el nas.. wala bakteb l mogarad el ketaba.. hwa ana bakteb 3lshan mesh la2ya 7ad atkalem m3ah.. fa badal ma 2ata2 min el kalam ely ma7boos gowaya ba7awel 2ala2eelo ayy makan yetla3 fi?! 2as2la kteer.. w mahma 7awelt afakar.. wala bakteb wala batkalem.. wala ba3mel ayy 7aga.. w dah example baseet min ezzay kol 7aga dayra fi 7ayaty.. tafkeer b lazma w min 3'ier lazma.. lama 7'alas nefsy a3mel l mo7'y force shutdown..
El mohem.. zay kol sana.. ye2arab June.. ab2a meza2tata min el far7a.. it is my birthday month.. hwa ana leih bafra7 aslan eno it is my birthday?! the most honest answer is; because it is my special day.. I feel important that day.. w bab2a seeking el ehtemam dah.. da youm fi el sana..I want to be pampered.. w zayy ayy high expectations.. not all what we expect happen.. w akta2eb.. w ye7'las el youm w ana ba7awel amasel eny mabsouta.. w yeegy tany youm.. w az3al en I'll wait one more year for that special day to come again!
El sana di kan nefsy akteb 3an my own reflections about my first year in the fourth decade.. w a3at a3sor fi dema3'y keteer awy.. bas l sabab aw l a7'ar.. el afkar kanet bthrab miny kal 3ada.. w makontsh 3arfa amsek fekra feehom.. I made several attempts w kanet el 7'olasah 3 sentences "Happiness is a decision" "Our mind is the most powerful tool on this Planet" "Whatever you believe in, you can make it true"..
W law 7awelt eny agama3 bein el 3 sentences dool 7ala2eehom enohom bydoro fi nafs el fekra.. w heyya en 7ayatna heyya reflection l afkarna.. and that we are powerful enough to make whatever we want with our lives, we just need to believe in this.. kolaha bt2ool en I have the strength to lead the life I want.. and they are all into the optimistic side of life.. but still there is always something that hold me back.. mesh 3arfa heyya mogarad afkar mawgood fi dma3'y mesh 3arfa at7'alas menha? walal ana fe3lan fi 7agat mwa2fany w mesh 7a3raf a3mel feeha 7aga, and I have to maneuver?!
Sa3at keteer a3od ma3 nafsy w at7'ayal who the perfect me would be? ya3ny ana nefsy ab2a 3amla ezzay? shakly, tar2ty, my interests, activities, my friends, etc.. w el 3'areeb en who I am now is far from who I wish I could be.. w bardo ma3rfsh eih ely mwa2fny 3an eny ab2a who I want.. w dayman 3andy doubts whether I can be this person I wish to be or not.. w arga3 alef fi nafs el dayra bta3t hwa ana fe3lan yenfa3 ab2a ayy 7aga ana 3ayzaha? wala fi 7agat tanya btet7akem fi dah? 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 3:47 PM, | 1 comments

Crushes.. I hate you

Thursday, May 21, 2015
Not again! I'm done with crushes.. I've had the worst lessons ever.. I'm not ready for anymore.. I can't take it anymore.. those guys who are too friendly, please back off.. enough sending mixed signals.. enough confusing me.. I can't take it anymore.. why aren't you clear from the beginning?! or is it me who just imagine things?!
I'm developing this new feeling for this new person who is just invading my life.. and it is developing really good.. but I'm too tired.. too tired of this uncertainty, it is draining my energy.. but I can not stop thinking about how it is developing.. in a way even better than what I would wish for.. I've promised myself no more crushes.. but I simply can not stop it.. I've promised myself that I will not talk or write about it, but I couldn't keep my promise.. I felt like wanting to tell the whole world about it.. I'm happy, wanting to live the good moment, but I'm afraid of the next heart breaking moments.. it is harsh, I know, I've been there many times before.. but it is just dominating my mind.. so I thought may be by letting it out, I free some space in my head for other thoughts to come in.. I really wish deep from my heart for it to work this time.. but I'm too afraid.. my heart is convincing me that it is different this time.. but those past experiences keep haunting me, reminding me that miracles don't happen in our real world.. I really wonder how deep the pain will be this time!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:21 AM, | 1 comments

Why is it complicated?!

Saturday, May 09, 2015
Are we really suffering from a marriage problem here in Egypt?! I used to think it is me who has a certain problem.. but when I went out to the world and started seeing new different people, I just realized it is not me.. it is getting viral! Excellent, well educated, good mannered, and good looking girls who are getting in their thirties and they are not in any kind of a relationship! and it is turning into a competition in girls' world.. a severe one.. where keeping up to it is really hard, and energy consuming.. But my question is, what is really wrong with guys these days? I'm sorry to say, but is it a matter of supply and demand?! a lot of good girls, and very few good guys out there?! I can't even imagine that I started thinking that way! The more I meet new different cases, the more I lose hope, if I ever had it at the first place.. yes I know it is "naseeb" and everything thing happens by God's will, but still, definitely there is a logical reason, but I really can't put my hands on..

Actually when I look closely at how things are going, I get scared, a lot of cases I heard of are breaking all the rules, just to win a guy! whether married or not.. older, younger, it doesn't matter.. same or different social class.. they are crossing all the lines, and still nothing is guaranteed! I'm one of those who was raised to believe that it is not about the looks, and that we have to pay more attention to the core of people, but what I'm seeing is totally contradicting.. it is turning to be about the looks, and only the looks! and even if it happened and you got married, there is still fierce competition out there that will keep you on the tip of your toes! I don't think it is meant to be this way.. I only wish to understand why is it getting that complicated?!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:15 AM, | 4 comments

I want to be successful!

Tuesday, March 10, 2015
I caught myself couple of days ago saying this out loud "I want to be successful".. but the automatic sound in my head spontaneously replied, successful in what?! what is it that you are trying to do and wanting to be successful in?! and I was surprised..  I'm not doing anything! I'm not even giving myself the possibility of 50% success.. I have to start first then wonder if I'll succeed or not.. and at the moment I took a decision.. I'll start.. I'll start anything.. I will just start just to stop this over thinking process that I always get trapped in.. yes, deep down I feel that whatever I decided to start is nothing new, and nothing creative, etc.. but I will just start.. that is the statement that I need to keep reminding myself with so that I won't give up on even trying..

I'll start doing something from home.. On Sunday I went to check supplies' prices to complete my pricing homework.. and today I'm working on the items, costing and pricing.. 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:10 PM, | 0 comments

Too late!

Wednesday, March 04, 2015
How would you feel if your father came to you and said "I'm sorry, I did a lot of mistakes in the past that affected you, and I decided to change"?!! I was like "WHAT?!!!!" don't you think it is tooo late?! definitely that wasn't what I told him.. but that was how I felt.. and this same idea that has always made me feel afraid of having children.. I am still discovering the truth about this life.. I'm still discovering myself, I'm not sure still up to this age what is right and what is wrong.. how on earth can I raise up a child?!! how would they feel if after 30 years I came to them and said "sorry, just shift delete all the previous and let's start again" can you imagine how difficult this is?! can you imagine that I'm requested to just think differently simply because now he is thinking that he was wrong! Too late, I'm already messed up, and no need to mess me more..

I must admit, part of me was relieved, because simply that's how I felt all the way, you are wrong, but out of respect, you just can't bluntly say it.. and out of my hands these wrong ideas where deeply rooted inside of me.. I felt that the past 30 years ran in front of my eyes, wondering how happy we would have been if he just realized this earlier! When I get into this deep cycle of regret I just remember one thing, this life is all about a beginning and an end.. 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:51 PM, | 0 comments

Giving up

Dear Blog,
I'm doing everything I thought I'll never do! Things are happening in a way that I never wanted or imagined, and I'm just going with the flow.. I'm hating it, it made me cry, but I'm just going with it.. why is that?! literally not a single thing that I wished for is happening the way I wanted.. is it too much to ask for?! Deep down I'm confused in a panic state, afraid of everything, and not happy.. it is not supposed to feel this way, does it?! why am I doing it then?! why am I letting people control my life again?! am I afraid of them telling me "we told you so" what if it is me that will tell them "I hate to say I told you so?" why is it always that I'm not confident in my judgement? am I afraid of being wrong? definitely! and if I turned to be wrong they will all point fingers at me as say I was wrong.. all my life I've hated decisions.. as much as I could I ran away from them.. not a very smart way to live life.. but safer.. less dramatic.. I just wish for a peaceful happy life, something you can not get in this world! 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:33 PM, | 0 comments

Happy Birthday Moon.. a decade has passed!

Thursday, February 26, 2015
It is like this date ten years ago that I started this blog.. a decade has passed! I can not even imagine it.. ten years is third the years I've been on this planet.. and these ten years are said to be our golden years.. all my twenties.. this blog has been a witness for.. when I look back I have two contradicting feelings.. I'm still the same exact me, same fears and ideas.. and the other though is; I have changed drastically! how come those two thoughts exist at the same time, I have no idea..

Every now and then I go read random old posts, and feel happy I documented these happy and sad moments.. I feel I'm documenting my own evolution, things that affected me, may be one day I'll look back and try to understand the parameters that made me who I currently am.

I miss the time that I had to come here to this blog and write almost everyday.. the time where there is higher interaction generally at the blog-sphere.. I virtually connected with a lot of people and felt they are close friends, people I need their advice and willing to them mine..

Now, I just come here when I'm really fed up from the real world, when I just need to speak out loud to the void.. this place has always been a soothing one for me, where I try as much as possible to be me.. just me, with no considerations for what people will think of what I say or I should and shouldn't say so and so.. but still at times I can not be totally myself.. that real me which I even sometimes hide from my own self! why do I hide here, may be because I feel she is bad, she is a complete opposite of who people think I am! I try to be that person people approve by suppressing my own self! and isn't this what I grew up believing in and being taught.. Deep inside of me I always blame my parents, because end of the day I'm the result of the ideas they engraved in my head, which eventually I grew up and knew they were not totally right..

Happy Birthday Moon.. looking forward for a new different decade.. a decade where I could be just ME
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:37 PM, | 0 comments

When fear controls you

Tuesday, February 17, 2015
No matter how I try to understand this life and cope with it, it never fails to amaze me.. I admit that most of the times, if not all of the time I'm not content.. I feel something is missing, and I fall into the trap of searching for what is missing instead of enjoying what I have.. and the surprise is, every time I realize this, I discover that I have a lot, and even more than I'd ask for, but the thing is I don't know how to make the best out of it..

I came to a conclusion that life is not perfect, and no way I can have it all.. there will always be that one missing thing that I need for it to be perfect.. so I go search for it, and when I find it, I discover that along the way I had to sacrifice something else.. and fall into the disappointment again and again..

Sometimes I wonder if I was raised properly.. I know my parents did the most they can do with what they had.. but it is the ideas they planted in me that I'm questioning.. I'm questioning them because as I grow older and encounter different experiences in this life, I realize that these ideas might be wrong.. ideas I used to believe in so much are being ruined an idea after the other.. and I'm now the product of so many ruined ideas that I no longer believe in, and I hate it..

Unfortunately I grew not knowing what I want out of this life.. the only idea I believed in back then was to study as much as I can to get the best grades, what for? I had no idea! and by the time I was entering college I realized I don't know what I want.. I had this very high grade which I had no idea what to do with, simply because I was not taught to dream.. I was confused, and still I am!

Out of this confusion a rebellious me was born.. someone is rebelling against everything that is common, simply because it is not suiting me anymore.. I'm different.. but again, in a way or the other you have to get into one of those molds.. and still I'm growing older and older and the confusion was never resolved.. instead it is getting more complicated by time.. you are encountered by many life changing decisions, which to make you need to know what is it that you need.. what is making it worse is believing that you need something and you go chase this thing, but you end up chasing the wrong thing.. 

Fear has always been one driving parameter for me.. the worst ever! and rebelling against it is the most difficult I have encountered so far.. what's so bad about it is knowing theoretically how damaging this could be and how you can get over it, but you can not do it in reality.. Fear of change, fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, etc.. you name it.. I have them all! The ironic thing is; most of the time this fear is proven to be just an illusion, and nothing of the things I'm afraid of happens.. but I never ever learn the lesson! On the contrary, this fear is increasing, for no apparent reasons!

I'm one of those who has frequent mood swings.. from positive and happy and wishing for this life to last forever, to negative, depressed and wondering why am I still on this earth.. I was brought up to be silent, think hundred times before I talk, and believing that it is the quality of people around that matters not the quantity.. I was brought up to think practically about everything.. think function, not likability.. I was fine with all this, and I've always managed my way out by just keeping silent about what I don't like.. I developed this parallel world of mine.. to the extent that I assume that my family members don't know really who am I.. they just know the person I want them to think is me.. and still I was fine.. 

The whole disaster started to appear when I was trapped to go for those arranged marriage meetings! yes, I can not call it anything but a disaster.. how on earth do you want to know me in couple of meetings?! my own family doesn't know me.. it is not easy for me to get exposed, it takes months for close friends to know me.. and only those I allow in.. I have issues with trust.. I barely trust people, simply because I don't trust my own self.. and I reach a conclusion of; "will I ever get married?!!" which then brings another question "do I really need to get married?!" "do I still need to follow the path all people go in?!" I started to feel the need to it, I can not deny, especially that I'm living alone.. however, as much as I'm seeking this to change, as much as I can not comprehend the idea, and whenever there are any signs about it changing, I panic.. extreme PANIC!

The question still remains unanswered "Is being with someone a necessity?!" will I ever regret it later on?!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 4:52 PM, | 1 comments

New Beginnings

Saturday, January 31, 2015
About four months ago I started a journey without a known destination.. I can't say I willingly started this journey, but it just started, and I decided to take it.. I needed to know myself.. love and accept her the way she is, simply because I believe somewhere in the middle of the way I lost track of who I am and what is it that I want to do in life.. one thing I've always been sure of, I'm different, and I've always tried to hide this difference.. I have always tried to belong to the normal Egyptian girls.. I've tried hard to do this, and actually I was really unhappy finding that I've lived many years of my life putting myself in this frame. Simply because back then I thought that is the main reason I did not get married, because normal Egyptian guys are looking for the normal Egyptian girls.. as simple as that..

However, in the past four months I've had a lot of time to think with myself, despite the fact that I hate having this too much time to think, but one of the conclusions I've reached was; "why on earth do I want to be a normal Egyptian girl?!" I'm different, and it requires a different guy to impress me, nothing wrong in this, on the contrary, being unique and different is good, and I should capitalize on this not try to hide or change it..

Sometime ago, I never used to think of what people think of me, and I'll return to this.. it is not easy, I must admit, but the moment you reach not caring anymore, you will be liberated.. I'm still in the journey of self discovery.. a tough road to start.. but I'm sure the rest of the journey will be enjoyable..

So what are the conclusions I've reached so far?
1- Don't care for what people say or think about me, I'll just do what I feel like doing.
2- I will accept failure because it is the only way I'll learn.
3- I'll start a healthy lifestyle, eat healthy and exercise.
4- No more complaining, and start changing what I don't like.
5- Never miss a chance.

I'll keep updating the list, since I'm still in the process of self discovery and decisions..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 3:10 PM, | 0 comments