Trapped

Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sa3at keteer ba7es eny ba2eet mesh 3arfa nafsy.. wala fahmany.. ana 3ayza eih, w ba7eb eih, w bakrah eih, eih elly bybstny w eih elly byza3lny.. hal ana open minded, wala zayy ma by2olo da2a 2adeema.. ya tara el nas shayfany zay ma ana shayfa nafsy.. wala hwa el 3aks.. ana bashoof nafsy zay ma el nas btshofny.. tab maho ana mesh bawary el nas kol 7aga gowaya.. l daraget eny ana kaman mab2tsh 3arfa hwa fi eih gwa..

te3bt min kotr el laf w el dawaran.. atkalem walla a7'aby.. ab2a sare7a wala keda barmy dabsh.. askot y2olo 3alya sousa.. ba7areb b kol takty el overlap elly by7sal ma bein my real life.. and my cyberspace one.. I don't want this overlap.. Here, I'm the nearest possible to my real self.. I just don't want to lose track of me.. to forget about who I am.. lel asaf, the overlap is happening.. still under contro, bas I'm not happy about it..

Sa3at bab2a 3ayza el nas kolaha t2ra what I've written through the six years of having this blog.. w sa3at tanya 2a2ool maynfa3sh abadan.. w yemken di tkoon moshklty.. ana sa3b 3alya 2awy eny asare7 el nas b how I think about them or how I think about certain situations.. may be 3lshan mesh ba3raf 2a2ool el kalm 3'ier direct.. w da akeed byday2 el nas..

mesh 3arfa.. 7assa eny ba2eet wasla l mar7ala min enfsam el sha7'seya l dargt eny mab2tsh 3arfa ana mein..
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:54 PM, | 4 comments

Pretending

Sunday, May 15, 2011
One of the most difficult things to do is to pretend that you are fine while you are not.. To pretend that you are happy while you are angry..
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:28 PM, | 0 comments

Detach

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I come back to you my dear blog whenever I feel I can no longer connect to this world I'm living in.. the more days pass.. the more I'm certain about not belonging here.. It's not about finding people to listen to you, it is not about me talking, and it's not about others understanding.. it is about me.. Connecting with this deep deep voice inside of me.. This controlling voice inside of me..

I'm fed up.. from the world.. from people.. and on top of them, from myself..  I have this thing inside, I don't know what it is.. but it's there.. maybe it is a childhood problem.. maybe it is the way I was raised.. maybe it is the diverse family I belong to.. I simply don't know.. I gave up on even wanting to know..

I'm living this life without needing a single thing.. Without even dreaming of something.. I go shopping, and I don't feel like buying anything.. Actually I've been having some occasions the past weeks, and I had to go shop and buy something.. I was hating myself.. I seriously felt that I'm torturing myself doing this.. I don't feel the joy of it anymore.. In addition, I became totally indecisive.. I remember sometime ago, I used to just enter a shop, find something I like, and simply buy it.. I can no longer do this.. I keep going round and round.. not being able to take the decision to buy.. I hate it..

It is not about shopping with someone, I used to shop all by myself.. I even enjoy it more.. but I just can't do it any longer..

What else? Travelling? I used to enjoy it.. Nowadays I just travel hoping and wishing I'll get refreshed.. I might be doing something different.. but unfortunately.. It no longer works..  Outings? Same places.. Same people.. Same stories.. Nothing new..

Work? Boring more than ever.. I just go, count the hours for the day to finish.. Even if I have work.. I keep procrastinating till end of day.. and the next day I totally forget about what I had to do.. my performance curve is going really dowwwwwn..

TV? That's definitely not a good option these days at all.. People blabbering on all channels.. Movies? Don't have the patience to watch any.. Concerts & events? No enthusiasm anymore..

I'm tired.. I'm about to fall down.. and I seriously don't need people's help.. It should come from within.. Since I'm not able to express what in there, no one will ever know it.. It is more complicated than I myself can comprehend and handle.. I even asked for a professional help once, but it didn't work out..

As my manager once told me.. I need to detach from this whole world.. to travel to a far far place.. to know new people.. to start a completely new life from scratch.. Maybe this will work out.. and most probably it won't..

 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:58 AM, | 0 comments

If only I can disappear

Monday, March 28, 2011
Time is really flying.. 6 years has passed since I started this blog.. too much to write about.. but may be later..
I just can't fall asleep without venting those couple of lines, and my blog is the only place I can do this now..
I can't tolerate people anymore.. it's not because of them, but it's about me.. there is something about me that at times makes me what to lock myself in this empty room with no one else except me.. I'm just bored, tired, angry, depressed..

There are some people in my life that are really getting on my nerves these days.. I can't tolerate anymore.. they just make me want to disappear!

I hope I can go sleep now :S
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:01 AM, | 1 comments

Starting a new year with hope & wishes

Saturday, January 01, 2011
As much as I wanted to sit down write my new year’s resolutions as much as I’ve been escaping doing this.. may be because I know they are just some words and sentences written down.. and I’ll keep carrying them forward from one year to the other.. may be I don’t want to remind myself that I keep postponing things, and I’m not able to take control over my life and do whatever I want.. or may be because I no longer have wishes?! I don’t know what I want.. I even sometimes don’t know how am I feeling.. am I happy, sad, bored, exited? I might have all the same feelings at the same time.. conflicting..

But again, I feel like I need to write down.. I locked myself today at home.. stopped any kind of external communication, trying to focus.. I need to have a new beginning.. I won’t care now whether I’ll be able to do this or not.. but I need to give myself hope.. 2010 has been such a tough year for me.. but it was full of hard lessons to learn.. and may be the toughest lesson I learnt was “letting go”..

I need to clean the mess 2010 left inside of me to have a new beginning with 2011.. I need to get over whatever negative feelings I’m having.. I have to stop crying over things I can’t do anything about.. I have to learn that this is life, it is tough, it takes away dear people to us.. but we have to be strong enough.. to stand up and face this tough life.. to make the best out of it.. we are gonna live it once.. and the only fact about this life is death.. it is no surprise, and it happens one day or the other.. we just have to accept it.. and move on.. and as it takes away dear people.. it introduces new people into our lives..

I have to forgive and forget.. I have to capitalize on my good deeds, if people say I’m “tayeba” I shouldn’t take this as a negative thing and perceive it as naïve, on the contrary, I should perceive it as kind hearted.. I shouldn’t be aggressive trying to cover up for this kind heart inside.. I’m trying to protect this genuine heart inside by being tough, but that’s making me loose more people without any reason..

As I learnt how to let go of people, I need to learn how to let go of my ego.. since it’s the reason behind many actions which I don’t feel like doing.. but I just do to fulfill this ego..

I have to acknowledge beauty around.. I have to stop in front anything beautiful and enjoy.. a beautiful flower, a baby’s smile, a free bird…

I have to stop being driven by people’s thoughts.. I have to listen more to my heart.. listen to all, but do what I feel like doing.. what I think will make me happy, not what will make other’s happy or what they think will make me happy..

I have to be more daring.. I have to try new things.. to fight for what I want.. to stop procrastinating.. I will not allow circumstances take control over my life.. I’ll follow my plan for a new beginning, and I’ll be dedicated for achieving it..

I need to have a healthier life style.. watch out for what I’m eating, and work a lot on my fitness.. I need to lose all those extra kilos I gained just by letting myself go with the circumstances.. I’ll be stronger now, and I’ll be able to stop myself from ruining my own health..

I need to connect more with my own self.. I need to express myself more.. I need to talk and talk.. to read and write.. to socialize, see new people, love and be loved.. I need to find my partner, it is not an easy thing, and most probably I have nothing to do regarding this issue, but I’ll list it as one of my wishes for this new year..

I guess I’m done for now.. may be later I can add more things..

Wishing the world a better year to come.. a happy 2011..
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 4:36 AM, | 1 comments

New beginnings..

Thursday, December 30, 2010
We were having our break at work when we started discussing our new year's wishes and resolutions... when a friend of mine simply said it is us who put these endings and beginnings.. we are just living a series of days which are all the same.. dates don't make a difference..
I was really convinced with what he said.. which made me think about it.. why is it always related with a new year that we make wishes and resolutions?!
We are always looking for new beginnings.. giving ourselves and others new chances.. but it's all in our hands.. it's our decision to let go, to change, to forgive, to take action.. Instead of letting days take control over our lives, we have to take this control.. to put our own beginnings & endings..
At times, we keep postponing our actions.. sometimes I say, I'll start doing this by the beginning of next week, I'll be stopping that by the beginning of next month, I'll start over by the beginning of next year.. and do we really do this?! do we really need to wait?! what's the reason behind waiting for this fake beginning?! I wonder!!

Anyways.. still I wonder.. and I don't have a reason why do we wait for the beginning of the year.. but here I am thinking of my new year's resolutions.. thinking of my 2010.. It's been such a tough year for me.. the worst year ever I think.. I lost and gained.. I laughed and cried.. I grew older.. I learnt a lot.. I talked.. shouted.. I remained silent..

I lost the most precious person in my life.. I lost the only person who genuinely loved and cared for me.. the only person who understood me.. life can never be the same without her.. but what can I say.. that's life!

Gainings.. yes there were.. new friends, new experiences.. lessons learnt.. but it was learnt the hard way!

So.. welcome 2011.. wish you can bring me happiness and joy which 2010 wasn't able to provide me..
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 1:03 AM, | 1 comments

10/10/10

Sunday, October 10, 2010
So.. it’s time to disclose this little secret I had.. it’s not a secret.. simply three years ago I wished to have my wedding/engagement/proposal on 10/10/10..

Back then -three years ago- it seemed very logical and felt I’m giving myself plenty of time.. thought definitely by that time there will be someone.. people around me might think I was kidding about it, but I wasn’t.. back at that time when I decided about the day I felt it was very reasonable.. but here I am, still proud to be single :D

On the other side, I got to admit today is one of the best days in my life.. see, it’s just my fate to be happy on the day despite anything.

I haven’t been in that state of mind looooooooong time ago.. waking up with a smile.. going to work having the same smile, singing and laughing.. people couldn’t believe it.. yes, I was very weird, haven’t been that happy for a long while.. though I thought this will be one of the worst days in my life..

So, what’s behind this happiness, I guess I fell in love with somone.. ok, ok.. let’s rephrase it, I have this crush on someone.. nothing solid so far.. but who knows.. In addition, I had a phone call by end of the day which had a good news.. still to be disclosed later..

In conclusion, yes, what I planned for the day didn’t happen, but still, I believe I’m having a new beginning.. a new start.. a new phase in my life without waiting for 10/10/10 anymore :)
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:49 PM, | 5 comments

The same ME

Monday, August 30, 2010
Had a little argue with my brother and went into my room and burst into tears.. the argue doesn't deserve.. but I just felt like crying.. but it's not relieving anymore, crying makes me really tired.. it hurts.. I feel an ache deep inside my heart..

My life has changed, but sometimes I refuse to accept this truth.. I escape believing it.. whether by getting involved in anything to forget or by just recalling the past.. imagine it as if it is happening right now..

So, I opened my blog to just drop some lines.. but for a certain reason I found myself reading through my blog archives.. and guess what? I just realized that this blog has been up and running for more than five years now.. oohh God.. I couldn't believe it.. years are really going by very fast.. things are changing around me, but I'm just standing still!

I am the same me.. but things are changing around, which in return is affecting me.. I did change, but only on the outside.. I gained some kilos :( I had my dressing style changed a little bit.. my way of dealing with people changed.. I became more daring.. I became less cheerful.. less energetic.. less helpful.. my relation with people changed.. I became very aggressive.. my tolerance threshold is getting very low.. I started having a darker view of life.. but looking deep deep inside me, I am the same person, it's only the things around me that changed which easily affected my outside..

I still don't know what do I need from this life.. I'm still taking the role of the "watcher".. but years are going by.. I'm tired of everything, of myself, my family, my work, my way of dealing with things.. I'm simply not happy.. I don't feel like living this life.. I'm fed up.. I can no longer enjoy it.. I don't find a single thing to look up at and wait for it to happen.. nothing is making me happy.. I became a very dull person, and definitely hated by people around..
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:17 AM, | 2 comments

I miss her..

Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I need to talk.. I know it is not something new for people to have this need.. however, it is a new thing for me.. I am a silent person by nature.. I adore listening.. but I've had enough.. and no, I don't even feel that writing will satisfy this need I have for expressing myself.. I need the human interaction of talking.. I don't want solutions, because there isn't any.. I simply feel like talking talking and talking.. and guess what, the new thing is I want to talk about myself.. yes yes, this rarely happens, I need to talk about how I feel, what's upsetting me.. how am I seeing things.. and I need to be understood.. understood perfectly as if I'm talking to myself.. difficult, isn't it?!

How has been life treating me lately?
Umm.. I've passed through tough time.. my mum was seriously ill, and she passed away 20 days ago.. is this what I want to talk about? am I not able to do this directly?! may be..
The direct three days after she passed away were really hectic.. people coming for condolences and so on.. plus before it I rarely was able to sleep for a month or something.. so I was really tired to even realize what happened.. As time goes by, I feel I miss her.. I really feel lonely without her.. we were different characters, but despite this she was the only person who knows it when I'm not feeling well.. to the extent that in her last days we were in the hospital.. and she was almost unconscious, and I was very sad about what I was hearing from the doctors.. and she kept asking "What's wrong with you".. I couldn't help but burst into tears, she still cared for every single person in spite of all what she was going through..

I didn't take a long vacation from work after she passed away.. it was only the weekend, and the fourth day I was at work.. people thought I was a strong person and I appeared as if nothing happened.. but no one knew how I really felt.. I was just escaping being with myself.. I succeeded at the beginning.. but not for so long..

I miss her.. and I feel that the responsibility I have is really heavy, and I'm not up to it.. I'm not able to take care of my dad and brother.. and I'm not accepting any help from my aunts.. actually, I hate it when they offer any help, they are trying to replace her, but they will never be able to do so.. at times I feel she will open the door and just enter and be with us..

She has always wanted to be the mother of the bride.. but unfortunately it didn't happen.. I wished to get married while having her beside me, advising and helping me out.. I wished her to be with me getting my first baby..

I'm really tired without you mum..
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:24 PM, | 2 comments

A not so much “Happy Valentine's Day”

Monday, February 15, 2010
Normally I used to celebrate a happy singles day with my friends instead of celebrating Valentine’s Day, however this year, I decided to let the day pass as a normal day.. just a normal day.. nothing really special about it, I’m not going to feel depressed or anything.. it’s just a day.. despite this conclusion, I went yesterday to watch the Valentine’s Day movie.. I don’t know why I had the urge to do this.. but I thought it’s gonna lift the mood a little bit.. unfortunately, it did the opposite, and I’m not quite sure what’s the exact reason.. it’s a nice light movie, but it just hit a chord..

Anyways, so, today was the big day.. strange enough I woke up on time, not feeling down or anything, on the contrary I felt happy, which is a rare thing to happen these days.. it’s Valentine’s day, all are celebrating, and even if they are not celebrating, they are talking about it.. and I’m insisting on my resolution, no big deal about the day.. just a normal day..

Did I say that being down is the normal mood for me these days? Yes, that’s correct.. on Thursday, I was on my peak though, and I kept wondering about the reason.. I was having that meeting with all those work people and HE was there.. but it felt different, as if he is trying to disappear.. whenever I find him.. he disappears.. it felt different.. it felt awkward.. as if he is trying to escape.. my intuition told me there is something, but wasn’t able to figure it out. After the meeting was over, I wasn’t able to rest except by asking someone what was going on with him.. but I got no answer..It was today that I knew the reason for my awkward feeling when I found him opening our office door with chocolates celebrating his engagement.. it was only then that I knew the reason for that feeling I had on Thursday!

I’m not a person who is clever with hiding how she feels.. no matter how hard I try.. my eyes always says it all.. I had to pretend to be happy, indifferent, congratulating.. it was difficult, but I guess I did it.. simply because I had very confused feelings.. I’ve never been confused in my life as that moment..

So, are my Valentine’s gifts over? Not yet..
After trying to deal with the whole working day without falling down crying myself out.. I went to the gym after work to release some of the negative energy I was having.. after which I got a phone call from the least expected person to call..

After the normal greetings and so on, and all the introductions.. he managed to cut it short and just said it “I’m proposing to you”.. I couldn’t utter a single word, I’ve never been in such a situation before.. the most thing I really wanted to happen, but unfortunately not from the right person..

I managed to end the call to take my time and think how to say no but in a polite way.. the last thing I’ll need is to hurt anyone, but at the same time no way I can accept..

Apart from the details, I managed to end it.. and finally the day is over..

Really I wanted it to end before any other disasters.. I cannot endure anything more to happen.

Happy Valentine’s Day
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:00 AM, | 2 comments