Tuesday, February 17, 2015
No matter how I try to understand this life and cope with it, it never fails to amaze me.. I admit that most of the times, if not all of the time I'm not content.. I feel something is missing, and I fall into the trap of searching for what is missing instead of enjoying what I have.. and the surprise is, every time I realize this, I discover that I have a lot, and even more than I'd ask for, but the thing is I don't know how to make the best out of it..
I came to a conclusion that life is not perfect, and no way I can have it all.. there will always be that one missing thing that I need for it to be perfect.. so I go search for it, and when I find it, I discover that along the way I had to sacrifice something else.. and fall into the disappointment again and again..
Sometimes I wonder if I was raised properly.. I know my parents did the most they can do with what they had.. but it is the ideas they planted in me that I'm questioning.. I'm questioning them because as I grow older and encounter different experiences in this life, I realize that these ideas might be wrong.. ideas I used to believe in so much are being ruined an idea after the other.. and I'm now the product of so many ruined ideas that I no longer believe in, and I hate it..
Unfortunately I grew not knowing what I want out of this life.. the only idea I believed in back then was to study as much as I can to get the best grades, what for? I had no idea! and by the time I was entering college I realized I don't know what I want.. I had this very high grade which I had no idea what to do with, simply because I was not taught to dream.. I was confused, and still I am!
Out of this confusion a rebellious me was born.. someone is rebelling against everything that is common, simply because it is not suiting me anymore.. I'm different.. but again, in a way or the other you have to get into one of those molds.. and still I'm growing older and older and the confusion was never resolved.. instead it is getting more complicated by time.. you are encountered by many life changing decisions, which to make you need to know what is it that you need.. what is making it worse is believing that you need something and you go chase this thing, but you end up chasing the wrong thing..
Fear has always been one driving parameter for me.. the worst ever! and rebelling against it is the most difficult I have encountered so far.. what's so bad about it is knowing theoretically how damaging this could be and how you can get over it, but you can not do it in reality.. Fear of change, fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, etc.. you name it.. I have them all! The ironic thing is; most of the time this fear is proven to be just an illusion, and nothing of the things I'm afraid of happens.. but I never ever learn the lesson! On the contrary, this fear is increasing, for no apparent reasons!
I'm one of those who has frequent mood swings.. from positive and happy and wishing for this life to last forever, to negative, depressed and wondering why am I still on this earth.. I was brought up to be silent, think hundred times before I talk, and believing that it is the quality of people around that matters not the quantity.. I was brought up to think practically about everything.. think function, not likability.. I was fine with all this, and I've always managed my way out by just keeping silent about what I don't like.. I developed this parallel world of mine.. to the extent that I assume that my family members don't know really who am I.. they just know the person I want them to think is me.. and still I was fine..
The whole disaster started to appear when I was trapped to go for those arranged marriage meetings! yes, I can not call it anything but a disaster.. how on earth do you want to know me in couple of meetings?! my own family doesn't know me.. it is not easy for me to get exposed, it takes months for close friends to know me.. and only those I allow in.. I have issues with trust.. I barely trust people, simply because I don't trust my own self.. and I reach a conclusion of; "will I ever get married?!!" which then brings another question "do I really need to get married?!" "do I still need to follow the path all people go in?!" I started to feel the need to it, I can not deny, especially that I'm living alone.. however, as much as I'm seeking this to change, as much as I can not comprehend the idea, and whenever there are any signs about it changing, I panic.. extreme PANIC!
The question still remains unanswered "Is being with someone a necessity?!" will I ever regret it later on?!