Another postponed tag

Friday, October 28, 2005
Was tagged for 5 random things about myself by Me, but later they became 20 by Blue. It’s hard to think of 20 things to write about myself, however, most of things mentioned by Blue really apply to me, except for the Food thing. So, I’ll write 5, whenever I feel there is something more to add I’ll be adding it till they are 20.

1) I’m a big dreamer with big dreams, and small ones as well. I guess I’m on the way for achieving them. Actually, I live to achieve them.

2) I’m a family person. I love my family though I might not agree with them all the way.

3) Sometimes I’m accused of an aggressive attitude, and it never happens except with people I love. It’s kind of protecting my inner self, and trying not to appear a weak person.

4) I’m very contradicting. I can say something and the opposite at the same time.

5) I never forget, though I forgive.

6) I love colors. I love anything that involves playing with colors.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:41 PM, | 7 comments


Been tagged by NightLegend, Loulou, and Haal.

Seven things I plan to do:

1)Tidy my room, actually this never happens, I tidy it and it’s a complete mess the following day!

2)Play any kind of sports, even if it’s just walking on regular basis, want to lose some weight.

3)Take photography classes.

4)Take a knitting, needle crafts and crochet course (I’m looking for a place which gives these courses, anyone knows where could I find this in Cairo?)

5)Read the pile of books I’m having beside my bed. I’ve never been like that. I usually start a book finish it till the end then start with another one, but lately, I’ve been starting with many at the same time, may be they are not interesting.

6)Travel, though seems things are not going according to plan :(

7)Pay my grandparents regular visits. They are in the same building, but I don’t see them!

And the list goes on and on…

Seven things I can't do:

1)Feel content.
2)Stop being pressured and worried and be cool.
3)Stop daydreaming.
4)Stop being a high maintenance person
5)Increase my self esteem.
6)Getting answers to all my questions.
7)Stop seeking knowledge.

Seven things I say most often:

1)Mesh 3arfa
2)Ya salaam
3)Ana 7’ayfa…
5)Mashy.. 7’alas..
6)I need a break

But the most thing that you can hear from me is ‘Silence’.

Seven people I want to pass this tag to:

Umm, I guess most of the people were tagged! But if there is still someone who passes through this and wants to do it, consider yourself tagged.

posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:08 PM, | 0 comments

Celebrating my birthday twice a year :)

Wednesday, October 26, 2005
A good thing is to celebrate your birthday twice. And a good thing to be surprised that it’s your birthday!

Had an iftar outing today with my friends, and they surprised me celebrating my birthday! My hijri birthday.

Yes, I was born on the 23rd of June, and the 23rd of Ramadan.

I liked the surprise. Getting an unexpected present is always fun, especially if it’s something I wanted. It is a novel called Zaat by Sonallah Ibrahim.

My dear friends, I’m really thankful :) you made my day, and caused a complete change of mood which I needed badly. Thank you.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:06 PM, | 9 comments

I love my work!

Monday, October 24, 2005

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I love my work

I should be reminding myself of this everyday!

posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:52 PM, | 9 comments

When you thought I wasn't looking

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, “Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:00 AM, | 6 comments

Sunday, October 23, 2005
So what’s up with that mood?! Thanks to a friend, he drew my attention to the number of stress and pressure words I used during the past week!!

Is it a true pressure that I’m living, or it’s me who is creating it?! Seems that I can’t live without it or what?! I must admit that I’m worried more than I should, and it’s doing me no good. It only caused me to be stressed, and depressed. I’m fearing something that I don’t know, and it doesn’t exist at the first place.

The idea of leaving that world didn’t leave me for about a week. Each day I waked up, I felt it’s the last day, or you could say I wished it was! Felt that it will be a very small thing that will end my life. A stumbling stone, slipping from the stairs, and extra dosage of a medicine, etc…

It’s painful and no fun at all to be thinking of that all the time. Still the thought didn’t leave me, but I’m trying my best to get over it.

Wish I could stop my mind from working.

Actually I discovered that it’s the mess that happens with my hormones is the cause for that desperate mood. I just wish I don’t make any decisions when I’m in that messy state. Hope to be cheering up soon, cause I’m tired of that depression!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:05 PM, | 3 comments

An inner call is asking me to wake up

Friday, October 21, 2005
Last night before getting to sleep, I picked a pen, a paper, and started writing...

It has been sometime since I last picked a pen and allowed my thoughts to flow on paper. I feel that I need it. I need to let my thoughts flow without cutting and editing them. without that inner filter and censoring I do.

A lot is going inside. I’m trying to forget about everything and just live the moment. But I can’t. Every now and then I feel some forgotten thoughts are coming back again. Calling for attention. Screaming out loud saying they are out there forgotten in some place.

Memories, thoughts, people…
Who I was, who am I, and who am I going to be…
How did life develop, and years pass…

Years passed without me noticing, because I rarely enjoyed the moments. Was always looking forward to the future. Always believed that the coming years are better. I never realized that years are slipping away. Was looking for something, thought that years will bring it, but it never happened.

Always wanted to grow up, hated the fact of being a kid. Actually I hated the fact of being looked at as a kid, because I never was. I used to enjoy grown ups talking, was really a good listener. But there was always something inside. Something that I never knew what was it.

Thought that by growing up I’ll be having more control of my life, and I’ll be heading to where I want, but it was just an illusion.

I lost my childhood living an illusion, I lost my teenage years living the same illusion, and I’m still living it! Always had that look at myself, “I’m just a kid”, “next year I’ll be a grown up”.

Was too obsessed by this idea, that I never saw the reality. I just wasted the most beautiful years of my life. The only years when I would have been happy without worries, nothing to fear, and would have enjoyed every single moment.

Since I was a little kid, I’ve been dreaming of four or five moments to happen. My graduation from school, my first day at college, my graduation from college, my first day at work, and the moment when my eyes will meet his.

Days passed, and moments I was waiting for came and passed. Did I make the best out of it? What if I can rewind again, would I feel and react the same as I did? I only have one life, where there is no place for trial and error. It’s only fast forward, no rewinding, no stopping, no pausing.

A life that I’m obliged to live. Through which I give up a dream after the other. Get hit by the solid ground day after the other. And I’m still being hit everyday.

After running out of moments to wait for, not making good use of them, still I didn’t learn my lesson, I’m still wasting more days.

Living the illusion of the future. Thinking one day I’ll reach the happiness I’m seeking. Thinking I’m building the so called ‘my future’. Would I build that future on a painful present?! They say I gotta give up my life now to live it in the future. Who are they kidding here? Don’t they know that I discovered it’s a continuous illusion we are eluding ourselves with!!

An inner call is asking me to wake up. Get in touch with reality and learn from my mistakes, but who listens!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:29 PM, | 2 comments

Telepathy, Was: Not feeling good

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I started writing my entry, and was intending to title it “Not feeling good”. Few minutes later, mum came home bringing us ice cream. Amazingly, me and my brother was planning to call her and ask her to bring ice cream on her way. Would I call that telepathy?!

A very small thing, which normally pass unnoticed, but I caught myself happy and smiling! Haven’t been like that for sometime. I might be smiling, I might seem happy, but that’s not how my heart feels. Just trying to make it up.

So, back to not feeling good. My day started well, though it’s not free from my daily struggle to wake up at the morning. But was having generally a good mood. Opened my computer and started work. Currently I’m working on two tasks in parallel. Actually, I should have finished one of them about a week ago, but I’m still working on it. And I was finalizing the other task as well. Almost finished it, and was checking it with one of my colleagues. He is the eldest among my colleagues, he is about 30.

We were checking the requirements and if they are fulfilled and all that. During this, he was checking if the returned data is right or not. I have no problem with that. Actually I would have asked him to do verify it if he didn’t. While he was doing that, he said there is something wrong. Ouch!! I wished that this will never happen, and wished that the data was right. Actually he said it in a way that I didn’t like :( then we traced things to know where did the error come from. And YES, he was wrong, and what I did was right.

Unfortunately, that’s his normal way of dealing with people. He strongly blames you for a small thing which might turn out not true at the end. He amazes me in the way he confidently defends his opinions and attacks you, even if he is not right!

That was enough to turn my mood upside down. We spent the rest of the day trying to make a trivial thing work, but it didn’t. I asked for his assistance, and after about an hour and a half, we reached where we started, and he thought he did a great job in that!!

I’m just pissed off him today. But generally he is not that bad, but still he gets on my nerves sometimes. A kind of character that I don’t like.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:29 PM, | 2 comments

The Moon

Strange! That’s all what I can say when it comes to me and the moon. Many Moons were involved in my day. It was a full moon, had my iftar at a restaurant which has the moon involved in it’s name. It was by the Nile, a scenery that I can’t resist. The reflection of the Moon’s light on the water was awesome.

Actually I can sit starring at the full moon and it’s light’s reflection for hours, having a non specific idea or thought in mind. I even don’t know where does the beauty lies, but I just love it, sitting like that thinking of nothing.

It never crossed my mind that the Moon is such an important thing in my life. I just feel that I’m related to it by a way or the other.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:36 AM, | 2 comments

Counting the days till it’s the end

Friday, October 14, 2005
Every now and then the question of “why do I exist?” crosses my mind. According to my mood and my state of mind, I find myself an answer. Couple of days ago I asked myself the same question, but didn’t find an answer.

I’m counting the hours to pass the day. I’m counting the days to pass the weeks. I’m counting the weeks to pass the months. I’m counting the months to pass the years. And I’m counting the years to pass my life!

I don’t think that life is meant to be this way. However, it’s how I feel.

Parents count the days to see their children in school. Children count the days to leave school and go to college. College students count the days to graduate. Graduates count the days till they get a job. Then, no more counting is involved. You go to the same place everyday, meet same people, discuss same things, and life goes on that routine way.

Was talking with a friend yesterday, I told him that I’m bored of this life, and I’m just waiting till it’s the end. In return to this, he said, “don’t wish for it, you don’t know if you have enough good deeds or not”. He added, “May be God is keeping you to have more good deeds”!

What if I’m decreasing from the good ones I have?!!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 5:06 AM, | 4 comments

Doubly pressured

Thursday, October 13, 2005
Yesterday I was saying that I’m pressured. Today I’m saying I’m doubly pressured, and I hate pressure. I thought by ending college days there will be no pressure, and deadlines, but seems I was wrong.

For anyone else, the work load I’m having might be normal. But for someone like me who don’t accept things she is doing, it’s hard to finish things by the deadline and feel happy about it. Add to that, going in circles and circles to finish anything. Sometimes I just feel that my mind is blocked. Meaning, if I stayed for hours and hours I won’t accomplish any progress.

Today, I thought I should go early and get done with that task of mine. I went about an hour early, and yes, I was done with it in this hour. I was really amazed. I’ve been revolving in circles yesterday to do it, and I just did it in a fraction of an hour.

However I still have a problem with it! So, I’m behind the deadline by 3 days up till now. Despite that, I’ve been assigned new tasks! Am I going to live in that pressure forever?!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:02 AM, | 2 comments

Pressured, excited, amazed, confused, happy, and tired!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Pressured: Have loads of work to do, and the deadline was yesterday, and I wonder when I'll finish, and all I'm doing is wasting time!

Excited: About today's outing for iftar (breakfast).

Amazed: By the place.

Confused: About my way of dealing with people.

Happy: Managed somehow to get over my confusion.

Tired: Didn't eat, needed sleep, and have a terrible headache.

More elaboration later!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 1:05 AM, | 3 comments

Unconditional love!

Sunday, October 09, 2005
Is there such a thing?!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:17 PM, | 13 comments

Lost among my thoughts

Saturday, October 08, 2005
Was doing my usual browsing through blogs, when I was stopped by that post. It triggered something, yes it triggered tears, but not only that. I’m more concerned by the thing that it triggered inside, the feeling.

It was as if it’s me who is writing. Though the situation didn’t happen to me, but similar ones happened. Not being capable of following every verse, and suddenly comes a verse that grabs your mind. A feeling of guilt has always accompanied me! Have always felt I’m the only one who is not following, and I usually give myself hard time for this!

Couple of years ago, I’d tribute this to el nafss el lawama! As much as I wasn’t happy with myself at this time, as much as I feel I used to be a lot better than I am!

Contradicting! Yes, I’m contradicting myself in everything! That contradiction is getting on my nerves, it’s confusing me. Sometimes I feel I like myself the way I am now. Other times I feel I was a better person couple of years ago.

Lost among my thoughts.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:29 PM, | 5 comments

Freedom of choice

My cousin’s son is about one year old plus a couple of months. I’ve witnessed the growth of that child from his first day up till now. Generally I’m not into dealing with babies and children. However, I find inexpressible joy in playing with him, and observing his reactions.

I’ve always been curious to know how do little kids learn. How do they recognize their mothers, and people they frequently see. How do they recognize things, places, sounds, and words.

Humans at that very beginning are really intelligent. They keep on storing everything they come across, and they are curious to know everything. Here comes parents’ role in defining and giving their children the information they are seeking.

We keep telling him this thing is called a car, that’s a cat, and that’s a fan. What if we told him a dog is a cat, and a cat is a dog?! Would he know that this is wrong?! Would he know that we are giving him wrong information?! He won’t know. At that time it’s his parents and people around are the only source for information, and he will hardly disbelieve them.

He will grow up to discover that what he thought is a cat is a dog and vice versa. Would it be easy for him to believe that?! To drop everything he learnt and trusted just because all people around are telling him this information is wrong. They are telling him your beliefs are wrong.

Look at the same situation with a larger scale, during a certain time in our lives we keep on storing information, on which we build our beliefs and knowledge. It’s carved in our minds and hearts. It’s people around us who do this carving. We grow up, we are faced by different truths, different from that we used to believe. We are confused, are they wrong? Are we wrong? Or is it that we are both right? Each individual sees it from a different view. According to the way he was brought up. Certainly it makes a difference.

And the question is, do we have a choice in what we learnt and believed when we were little kids?! Or it’s the people and the culture around that shaped us?! And where is the fettra (human nature) from all this?!

It is said that we are born having certain personality characteristics.. that is followed by the way we are brought up.. this means no choice is involved!

We are born in a certain country to inherit it’s nationality, and it’s language. We are born in a family that have certain beliefs which they plant in us. No choice in choosing our country, our language nor our beliefs!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 4:03 AM, | 9 comments

An evening out

Friday, October 07, 2005
Today is the 3rd of Ramadan, and it was a vacation as well. Me and my friends thought of making use of this and go have Iftar out together. The place was nice, not one of the normal places we go to. It was a good change. The best thing about it that it was in the open air. It gave me a good feeling.

The plan was just to have Iftar, and spend some time together and that’s it. Was telling them about Virgin mega store, and that I went through it quickly, and I wanted to go there again. Then the idea of going there popped into our minds. Then we thought of changing it and go check Diwan. I have never been there. I just passed in front of it couple of times before. Was very curious to go check the place.

We made up our minds and decided to go check Diwan. On our way there, we were talking about the
Greenpeace Ship "Anna" visiting Cairo, and was telling them that I wanted to go check it since the early morning, but was tool lazy to go! And yes, we decided to go after we are done with Diwan.

Diwan was really a nice place, I just wanted to buy all the books there, and the good news is, they will be opening another branch beside the place where I live. That was really a good news. However, I just like going to Zamalek, there is something about the place there.

We finished Diwan, and then we started our trip to the Ministerly palace. Actually I had no idea about the directions, but we finally made it there. Seems that we went late or something, or it was us who didn’t ask about anything. Umm, I don’t know, we didn’t stay for long there.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:22 AM, | 5 comments

Thursday, October 06, 2005
Hey you Moon, you know, I really don’t like you. I don’t like that stupidity in you. You do strange stuff, you act weirdly, you blabber about ridiculous things, you are really dumb! I hate the way you deal with people, I hate the way you think, I don’t find a single thing to like about you.

Don’t dare to think you are good, no way, you have all the negative things that could exist in a character! Come on, what do you think of yourself, your just nothing in this world, and you mean nothing to people. Stop acting in that stupid way of yours!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:36 PM, |

I’m starting to feel like Ramadan

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Up till today morning I didn’t have any kind of feelings that Ramadan is tomorrow. There is something different than every year. I don’t know exactly what is it.

But the moment they announced that Ramadan is tomorrow, and hearing the Ramadan songs, I started to have that Ramadan feeling bit by bit. Ask me to describe the feeling, I can’t! It’s just a feeling.

However, there is still something different with this Ramadan. I don’t have plans, I don’t have things I want to accomplish, I don’t have any extra things to do in Ramadan! I remember the past years I used to have a list of things that I’d like to do, whether increasing the rate of something I do, or having new stuff to do. As usual, I rarely accomplish anything from my plans, but I’ve always wanted to.

It was only last year that I really felt a difference, a change, something I accomplish, and I was really happy doing it. I insisted to go pray el tarawee7 in a nearby mosque. Despite the fact that it wasn’t my first time to go pray el tarawee7, I used to do this since I was in 5th primary or something. But that last year was a special one. I don’t know why. May be because I went there on my own, without being asked to go by someone. May be because I still was on my own with no one coming with me. May be because I felt it’s coming from my inner self, and inner call that urged me to go everyday and not to be stopped by my laziness, my exams or whatever that I had at that time. I even remember that I wondered why don’t we have tarawee7 prayers all over the year! Something that I wished it didn’t stop.

But it’s not the case this year! A lot inside me changed through this year. I wonder if it’s to the better or worse, but I’m sure it’s not the same!

Today I felt like walking.. felt like enjoying Ramadan’s spirit in the street, enjoy that cool breeze.. went and had a small walk, but it was really nice.. and yes, it gave me the feeling of Ramadan, don’t ask me how.. I just felt it.

I wonder why is it the case that the older we get, the less events have a meaning. I mean, when I was in primary or so, we used to buy the fanoos and keep singing all the Ramadan songs the whole evening. Even at school, we used to have decorations and we used to make that paper fanoos. A certain feeling of happiness which isn’t there anymore!

A nice article that I came through about Ramadan in Egypt can be found here..

posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:11 AM, | 6 comments

Which will win?!

Saturday, October 01, 2005
A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt about a tragedy.

He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:18 AM, | 3 comments