So.. what is it that I want?!

Monday, August 22, 2005
Yesterday I had a so called interview at the place I didn’t like, but I just wanted to know where will all these interviews lead me to. So, I went there, met the interviewer, he asked a couple of questions, then told me I’m accepted to work with them. The normal reaction was to be happy, but I wasn’t. I asked if I can tell him my reply the next day, but he refused, and told me if I’ll start, that will be immediately!!

I was really confused, whether to accept or reject the offer. I thought I won’t lose anything by trying, at least I’ll gain experience, and I accepted.

Don’t ask me what happened, coz I myself don’t know! I just felt that it’s not my place.. I can’t imagine myself going there everyday. I was counting the minutes for me to leave the place.

Finally I left, and the only thought I had, I won’t do that to myself the next day. I'd be really stupid if I did.

The moment I entered home.. I couldn’t stop myself from crying.. for what reason?! I don’t know!

I don’t know what was it that I didn’t like.. is it people, the kind of work, feeling that I won’t be capable of doing the work well, being lazy, passive, my low self esteem?!!!! All these might be reasons.. but are they the only ones?!

Today, I waked up, called the manager, and told him sorry I won't be joining you! Whether I'm right or wrong in what I did, I feel that I'm now more relaxed.

Sometime I feel I don’t want to work in that field of mine, and I want to do any other thing. Other times, I feel I love that kind of career, and I see myself completely fitting there. Other times, I feel I just need to sit home, do nothing, but I know I’ll be bored very soon, plus I need to do something, to add value to my community. I’ve always believed in that saying “en lam tazed shay2an 3ala el 7ayah takon anta za2odon 3alyha”.

I don’t want to be useless, but I’m too lazy and passive to do anything.. or may be I didn’t find that thing that triggered me to work on it happily, that satisfies me.. something that makes me feel I’m adding something with value.

I just don’t know.. I don’t know where am I leading myself to.. and I’m sure I’m gonna regret it afterwards.

 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 5:13 PM, |

7 Comments:

Are you sure it wasn't just the odd feeling of being at a new place for the first time, not knowing anyone and having no clue what to do?! You'll hardly feel comfortable at a place from the first day.
Right you are I won't feel comfortable at a place from the first day.. that could be added to the reasons, but I'm sure it's not the only one.
forget abt those companies..
el kosa beholds ur future..:PPPP
I think you are just scared to work lest you will be judged and unable to do what is asked from you. This is the impression I got. OR, could be that you want to work in a certain place, that all the so called 'smart people' work at, but again scared lest you wont be able to compete with them!

Maybe it is as Mohamed said, worrying from a new place.
Well , you just follow your feelings , follow the god-self inside you and ,dont be scared.
The problem is that you are "Positive" that you are going to regret what you are doing now, sometime later. Stop that feeling.
You wont regret anything..nothing in life is that'big deal' to worry and regret about..things are much more simpler than that.
It is like Energy , when you fall for the right place, with the suitable things to do..there wont be room for hesitation..You will just go for it.
And Who knows..maybe you'll change your whole career ..but the time hasnt come yet
Relax..Lay back..feel good about yourself (becasue you are) ..and believe me ..You are not missing ANYTHING..ANYTHINg :))
Well , you just follow your feelings , follow the god-self inside you and ,dont be scared.
The problem is that you are "Positive" that you are going to regret what you are doing now, sometime later. Stop that feeling.
You wont regret anything..nothing in life is that'big deal' to worry and regret about..things are much more simpler than that.
It is like Energy , when you fall for the right place, with the suitable things to do..there wont be room for hesitation..You will just go for it.
And Who knows..maybe you'll change your whole career ..but the time hasnt come yet
Relax..Lay back..feel good about yourself (becasue you are) ..and believe me ..You are not missing ANYTHING..ANYTHINg :))
Shex, you are right, I like cooking anyways :P

Haal, The impression you got is right!

Moushira, I really need to learn that nothing deserves making a big deal out of it.