An inner call is asking me to wake up

Friday, October 21, 2005
Last night before getting to sleep, I picked a pen, a paper, and started writing...

It has been sometime since I last picked a pen and allowed my thoughts to flow on paper. I feel that I need it. I need to let my thoughts flow without cutting and editing them. without that inner filter and censoring I do.

A lot is going inside. I’m trying to forget about everything and just live the moment. But I can’t. Every now and then I feel some forgotten thoughts are coming back again. Calling for attention. Screaming out loud saying they are out there forgotten in some place.

Memories, thoughts, people…
Who I was, who am I, and who am I going to be…
How did life develop, and years pass…

Years passed without me noticing, because I rarely enjoyed the moments. Was always looking forward to the future. Always believed that the coming years are better. I never realized that years are slipping away. Was looking for something, thought that years will bring it, but it never happened.

Always wanted to grow up, hated the fact of being a kid. Actually I hated the fact of being looked at as a kid, because I never was. I used to enjoy grown ups talking, was really a good listener. But there was always something inside. Something that I never knew what was it.

Thought that by growing up I’ll be having more control of my life, and I’ll be heading to where I want, but it was just an illusion.

I lost my childhood living an illusion, I lost my teenage years living the same illusion, and I’m still living it! Always had that look at myself, “I’m just a kid”, “next year I’ll be a grown up”.

Was too obsessed by this idea, that I never saw the reality. I just wasted the most beautiful years of my life. The only years when I would have been happy without worries, nothing to fear, and would have enjoyed every single moment.

Since I was a little kid, I’ve been dreaming of four or five moments to happen. My graduation from school, my first day at college, my graduation from college, my first day at work, and the moment when my eyes will meet his.

Days passed, and moments I was waiting for came and passed. Did I make the best out of it? What if I can rewind again, would I feel and react the same as I did? I only have one life, where there is no place for trial and error. It’s only fast forward, no rewinding, no stopping, no pausing.

A life that I’m obliged to live. Through which I give up a dream after the other. Get hit by the solid ground day after the other. And I’m still being hit everyday.

After running out of moments to wait for, not making good use of them, still I didn’t learn my lesson, I’m still wasting more days.

Living the illusion of the future. Thinking one day I’ll reach the happiness I’m seeking. Thinking I’m building the so called ‘my future’. Would I build that future on a painful present?! They say I gotta give up my life now to live it in the future. Who are they kidding here? Don’t they know that I discovered it’s a continuous illusion we are eluding ourselves with!!

An inner call is asking me to wake up. Get in touch with reality and learn from my mistakes, but who listens!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:29 PM, |


I haven't written anything down with pen & paper in a long time either. It's all typing.

I don't agree that you wasted your best years just because you had expectations of the future. After all you're not the person you were when you were 3 or 8. You've grown & you've learnt & every moment you lived has contributed to making you who you are now. So they were not wasted because it's not like you spent them standing still not doing anything.

It's good that you always looked to the future. I do that too. Always expect what's coming to be better than now - in a hurry to get to the next moment, next month, next year. Maybe that's not always the right attitude. But I know for sure the answer can't be to start looking back.

Living with regrets of the past is much more of a waste than living with hope & expectations of the future. The future you can do something about. The past is out of our hands.
Loulou, you know crying over spilt milk has always been one of my problems. Looking back and regreting, wishing things would have happened in a better way. But that was always what I do, just regret, without learning the lesson.

I think it's time to stop that pattern of mine, and start shaping a good future clear of regrets.