:)
I’ve been unconditionally happy for the past couple of days. A strange thing, but I’m happy that way. Trying my best to adapt to where I am and see the good sides. Definitely there are good sides that I didn’t previously see. I’m kinda trying to adapt a positive attitude and stop torturing myself for once in my life.
It’s amazingly showing on me. I mean, my inner happiness is reflected physically on my face. A cheerful face that I haven’t seen for a while.
I'll be doing something to monitor my progress in this. Each 
day I’ll be putting a smiley face on my blog, :) for being happy, :( for being unhappy, and every now and then I’m gonna check my progress and count the number of :) and that of :(. For a start, this post is marked by the :) sign.
It’s a full moon tonight, was planning to go out and enjoy the refreshing weather together with the full moon, but my friends turned me down :( We weren’t able to arrange for something. We planned to make it tomorrow, but it wasn’t arranged either.
I thought of going out by myself, but I felt I won’t enjoy it. I was in the need for that small company of friends.
Sometimes I try my best not to admit my need for others, but sooner or later I find myself admitting it. Sometimes I feel it’s weakness.. other times I feel others are not always here for me, so I shouldn’t be depending on them all the time.
Something weird that I realized in all my relations with people. From the first time I get to know anyone, I assume I’m the weak part of that relation. I always assume that I’m led by the other side. Something that I’m not fond of.
I always assume I’m the weak part, the less knowledgeable, the less creative, the less sociable, the less thinking, etc.. However, inside of me, I know I’m not that. It’s always a fear of something that controls me. But fear of what?!! I was never able to figure it out. Fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of doing something wrong, fear of people’s misjudgments, fear of higher authorities. Have been always trying my best to be right. But very soon I discovered there is nothing called ‘right’. No absolute right.
5 Comments:
And enjoy the full moon ;), i love it too.
I understand the fear part..if u mean the fear of commitment , then we're doing it to ourselves, if u mean the fear of being controlled, then we're also letting others do it...and the worst controlling thing ever is fear.
That's great news. Good to know you're turning over a new leaf.
Hope to see lots of happy smileys on your blog.:)
There's twopintes you mentioned in your post ,one is your complaint that you feel sorry that people is not always around when you need them ,that's unfortunately true ,even the most loyal friends may not be around when we need them ,that doesn't reflect anything negative in their attitudes towards us but it's how life meant to be cause every one has different agenda than the others.
The other point youmentioned about your feeling that you are always the weakest part in the relationship between you and your friends ,I have no clue why you would feel something like that ,to be honest with you I have similar feelings sometimes and that may resulted in me being less sociable than my other friends ,but I gradually learned how to overcome it ,you have to trust yourself ,no need to fear of other people's rejection cause if something like that happens then it doesn't mean that there's something bad in you ,it simply means the shortsighting of other people.
by the way you should try to hang out alone ,I always do that when there's no one available to go out with me or when I am planning to go somewhere that some available friends won't like ,you may feel solitude sometimes when you go out alone but most of the time you will enjoy it