I simply wanted to enjoy the company of myself

Sunday, November 20, 2005
I didn’t ask for something abnormal, I simply wanted to enjoy the company of myself. Let’s see how did that simple need of mine developed.

My mood has been going down the curve since yesterday, and I went work today in a little bit of a gloomy mood. I didn’t want it to extend for more than one day, so I thought after I finish work I’ll go out to any place.

There was a music concert by Nasseer Shamma at the culture wheel and a seminar about small investments. I thought that was interesting to go and check. So, my plan was to finish work, go home, sleep for an hour and then go to the culture wheel to either attend the concert or the seminar.

I didn’t call any of my friends to join in coz I know they are busy, and I don’t mind it. I was in need to go out by myself.

So, went home, told mum to wake me after an hour coz I’m going out, and slept. Woke after an hour to find my mum telling me I will not go out!

What?!! Repeat again?! I will not go out!! Why is that?!

She told me that she doesn’t like the idea of me going out on my own without anyone with me.
Me: so what? Am I still a child who need someone to take care of me?!
Mum: no, but I just don’t like the idea. It’s not normal to go out by yourself.
Me: what’s abnormal about it?!
Mum: I don’t know, but I don’t like it.
Me: give me a logical reason, and I’ll stay home.
Mum: I’ve never seen a girl going out by herself to a concert.
Me: come on, I know people who go to concerts by their own selves.
Mum: did any of your friends go by their selves?!
Me: they shouldn’t be my friends, but I guarantee you that there are ones.
Mum: Still I’m not convinced.
Me: neither am I.

And we went on and repeating the same.

Then I gave up, and went crying into my room feeling that I want to scream, felt my room walls are suffocating, kept crying till I had a terrible headache and couldn’t open my eyes.

Later mum came 3lshan tsal7ny.

Mum: I don’t want to you to be upset.
Me: But I am. I want to do something normal, and I couldn’t understand the reason of refusing. I’m a grown up, and I do have a mind to think with.
Mum: bas ana 7’ayfa 3aleeky.
Me: men eih?!! There is nothing in what I want to do. Simply my friends are busy, and I need to go out. What’s the problem in that?!
Mum: I don’t like it. Plus, you were out last Thursday with your friends, hwa kol shwya 7’roog.
Me: and you want me to stay at home?! What’s the problem in going out. I need to do something new, to see something new, what’s wrong about that?!!
Mum: don’t you say that you come from work tired and you can’t do anything?!
Me: yes, that’s true. But I don’t like that. I don’t want to lead a normal life, form work to home and from home to work. I have a life that I need to live.
Mum: do something beneficial then, I don’t see concerts as something beneficial.
Me: but I see them as something beneficial.
Mum: I’m recognizing that you are rebelling against everything these days, w mafeesh 7aga 3akbaky.
Me: I’m not rebelling, I’m just asking for my normal rights.
Mum: but you are going to a direction that is not yours.
Me: and who sets my direction?!
Mum: it’s the normal direction for people.
Me: and what’s the normal direction for people?!
Mum: it’s the one God sets.
Me: and why do you think I’m going far from it?!
Mum: you don’t think you are?! Compare yourself to two years ago, are you the same person?!
Me: and who stays the same?! People change, and grew older.
Mum: but there is a general path.
Me: but I changed.
Mum: I want you back, the good person I used to know. I don’t like what’s going on with you these days. I don’t like that rebelling to everything attitude of yours.

And we kept going on and on.

Mum: let’s go out have a walk.
Me: I don’t want to.
Mum: let’s have something to drink in Cilantro.
Me: I don’t want to.
Mum: are you still upset?!
Me: no I’m not.
Mum: tab go and wash your face.

Went to wash my face, but couldn’t hold my tears back. I feel pain within. I don’t know where is it coming from, but I just feel it. Something aching inside.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:53 PM, |


Are you an only child? Your mum seems very "protective"...
Being an "only girl" (2 brothers) mama used to sometimes be over protective ... but we discussed things more than once and sorted them out (that was a few years ago...around the time I graduated)...
And now .. even though I simply love social gatherings and the company of people ... I do every now and then go shopping, walking, and even to concerts by myself !!!

Maybe you need to try and sort this out with your mum without getting emotional and stressed during the discussion... isA things will work out .. believe me...
Rabena me3aki

and please do get back into the :-) mood !!!
Thank you ME for the thought :)

No, I'm not an only child, I have a brother.

The whole thing is I was shocked by the attitude, coz it's not a normal one. Plus, I hate to feel controlled by others. Meaning, I don't accept to be told 'No' in the face.

For that reason, I try my best to avoid any arguments or clashes with her for the sake of saving myself to be told 'No'.

Try to give your mother a break. She's just worried about you. She's a mother. It's an instinct. She can't help it.

Don't make her feel you get angry and upset when she shows concern for you. That will really hurt her because it is like you are rejecting her love.

Try to be understanding. Show her you are not convinced of her reasons but you will stay home this time just because you don't want her to worry. She will appreciate it & next time she will try to understand your point of view better.

Don't act rebellious or show you refuse any opposition on principle. That will make her think you are still a rebellious teenager & she will worry more. Try to act calm - even if you don't feel it. Show her you are humoring her. Then she will feel you are grown up & mature.
Thank you Lou for the advice :) Actually things are fine now. Seems that day we both were nerveous.