A closed loop

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I’ve been away from blogging for sometime. It’s not that there is nothing to say, rather, it’s no time to sit and write.

A lot has been going on that I wanted to write about, but time just flies. I really don’t know where does it go. It was the end of Ramadan, then traveled for the eid vacation, came back not wanting to go back to work, but what can I do, no way out!

Went back to work after the 4 days vacation wishing to have a different attitude, but it didn’t change much. Seems I’ve got an attitude problem.

Had a lot that I wanted to talk and write about, but it was postponed from day to the other. My daily routine goes like that, I come back from work, to find myself going out again for a reason or the other, coming back hurrying to go and sleep to wake up next day and repeat the same scenario again and again.

Yesterday, I thought, finally I’ll rest peacefully at home, it was only then that I remembered that I have to go out immediately and in 15 minutes time I had to be down town to attend the opening of ICIT a student conference at the AUC.

The thought of me hating work doesn’t leave me. The strange thing is, whenever I try to analyze the situation, and why am I feeling that way, I don’t find any clear reason. Everything is fine. But I’m not satisfied. Whenever I open that discussion with my mum she keeps telling me that I’m never satisfied etc… She wants me to be another copy cat of other people. She wants me to do as other people are doing. She keeps saying that if anyone else was in my place, they would have been very happy.

But I’m not like other people. I don’t want to be leading a normal life through which I won’t be happy. But what is it that will make me happy?! Would staying at home satisfy me?! For a while it will satisfy me, but then I’ll be bored. I won’t be happy finding all people going to work and only me is sitting at home.

Would another type of job satisfy me?! The answer is no. I just hate the idea of having a boss. Someone controlling me. I don’t like that. This drives me crazy. People interfering in my work. I really can’t stand it. Especially that I do things in a very slow pace, which means I’m always behind my deadlines, and they keep asking for the task which creates a heavy pressure on me more than I can handle.

So.. would I be living my life that way?! I guess if I did so I’ll be soon having a nervous break down. I can simply quit, and stay at home. But I can’t deny that I still want to earn a living of my own. Money is not my target, however it’s things I want to do with money is my target.

A closed loop, whenever I think about it I feel there is no way out. Will be always unhappy and unsatisfied because I don’t have the courage to take brave decisions and lead my life the way I want it, and if it ever happened, I regret it.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:01 PM, |



The closed loop feeling is pretty stifling. Nothing worse than feeling trapped in your own life.

Don't think there's a way to break the loop other than the two ways you mentioned. Either get what you want or want what you have. Or try to come up with a compromise.

Save up some money & then take sometime off to do what you love before you go job-hunting again. That could be one answer.

Staying inert & letting your life go by while you feel unfulfilled should not be an option though. Am sure you're creative enough to come up with better alternatives.
This problem is normal and facing many people who comes to the realization sddenly that they are leading a semi-Automatic life that is keep going and going in infinite loops ,but my advice to you is simple ,stick to your current job till you find something you really like ,you can also increase having more & more activities like attending musical concerts if you like this sort of activities ,read ,listen to music ,try to meet newpeople or go a new places you never been before even inside Cairo ,and don't worry those feeling are temporary insha2alah.

Can't you have a one week vacation or longer from your work a a non paid vacation?
"Staying inert & letting your life go by while you feel unfulfilled should not be an option though. Am sure you're creative enough to come up with better alternatives"

Loulou, I guess yes, letting my life go by isn't an option. I hope I'm that creative to come up with better alternatives, but it's always the fear of failing and losing opportunities that might seem bad at the beging but they are the best opportunities I could have.

It's always the fear of shaping my own life. Knowing that some decisions I take is shaping my life scares me, makes me think if I'm doing the best for the sake of me or not.
Vacation?!! No way ya NightLegend. Time is very critical with us these days at work, we have load of work to do, and me having a vacation at that time might seem as an irresponsible action.

I had the same thought of increasing the activities I'm doing, but I'm always tired to do anything.

But you know what, I guess I should give it another try. I won't keep watching my life go by and do nothing.
Mmmmmmm Moon ...it is a closed loop fe3lan... and only "you" have the power to break it...
Shaping your life may seem a little "scary" ... yet it is a wonderful experience...don't let yourself get wrapped up in work that makes you miserable for life...I can relate to what you're saying about your mother telling you that other people in your place would be happy... a couple of months ago I was offered a job in a very respectable place .. with a verrrrry good salary...almost everyone around me thought that I shouldn't let this chance go... everyone except "Me"...the job from my point of view wasn't fit for "ME".. would make me miserable..so after loads of thinking and resisting the temptation... I turned down the offer... you can't imagine the relief I felt after that !!! (Note: I was...and still am only "part time" employed...ya3ni I don't have a stable income)

I think Loulou's suggestion of saving money then going job hunting after a while may be a good solution... why not?

Whatever you do ya gameel ... pray "Estekhara" along with it .. will make you "feel" if you're on the right track inshAllah :)
You are just scared and impatient. Maybe give urself a good chance to sink in whatever u are doing before jumping to conclusions. Anywhere u go u will face the same problem, end result, even if you are in your ideal situation and dream you wont recognize it because you will be busy: Scared, impatient.
Thank you ME for your nice and supporting comment :)

If what you are saying ya Haal is right, then this is a big problem. Would I be that scared and impatient and not recognize my ideal situation?!! I mean, would my current situation be an ideal one and it's me who doesn't recognize that?!!