MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

It was like today a year ago that I started my first working day.

Can’t imagine that a complete one year has passed! Did I change through this year?! Definitely I did. Learnt a lot, stumbled with some blocks, but realized how important that was to me. At times I used to count the hours to pass the day, but other times I enjoyed my time and never felt by the days passing.

At the beginning, I was afraid, wondering, will I be able to make it?! Is this the place for me?! Never had the confidence that I was up to their expectations. Days passed, and my fear decreased day after the other. Got attached to the place and the people. They became part of me.

I remember the times when I used to tell myself it is just a year and I’m gonna leave, never thought the year will pass that quickly.

Best thing about blogging, is you keep track of your thoughts and feelings through different phases of your life.. you record your happy moments, sad ones, fears, and wonderings.. some might read, some might share, but most important thing, the feelings are there for me to back to and read myself again, and know how I used to think. Went through my first working day post, though I didn’t wirte much of details in it, but it reminded me of every moment of that first day.. the first person I met, the old room, getting introduced to other people, my first task, how difficult I thought it was, and how I think of it right now..

I don’t know why.. but I love keeping track of certain events in my life.. I like counting the years.. I like to look back and see what I gained and what I lost..

I wonder what would I right one year from now?!

Finally I’m having that Ramadan feeling.. it couldn’t be described, it’s only felt. You feel there is a change.. you feel spirituality in the air..

Still, from a year to the other the feeling of Ramadan differs.. don’t want to say that I miss it when I was a little kid, but I do. However I’m trying to enjoy the changes I’ve went through.

Recalling some Ramadan memories, I remember playing and signing with the fawanees, listening to all Ramdan songs.. waiting and anticipating for Booggy w Tamtam, Amou Fouad and many other stuff..

Most important thing was family gatherings.. I used to love it. Well, back then I had my reasons for that, was having some crushes on some of my relatives, and these family gatherings were the only chance that I got to see them.. you know what, I miss these feelings.. I no more enjoy these family gatherings as I used to. The more we are getting old the more the gapes between us is getting wider, life changed each and everyone of us.

First day of Ramadan we gather at my aunt from my father’s side. While sitting there today, I went back about 10 years ago, and remembered how we used to drop our studies and gather me and my cousins to play computer games or bdon kalam.. these are of the best memories I have..

Life changed, and we changed.. now, we have three new members in our family who are to be part of my memories.. they are my cousin’s husband and her son, and my other cousin’s wife who is waiting for her twin daughters/sons God willing.

It’s different from previous years.. we are no longer the kids, a new generation is born and we are playing the roles of the parents.. it really feels different!

Wednesday 20/9/2006

Left work having that feeling of unconditional happiness. I was happy, without a reason, was feeling a bit active, was feeling as if I’m having a long vacation.. wanted to go do a lot of things.. have a walk in medan el game3.. and get myself some stuff, may be get a fanoos as well.

Went home first, and mum told me she will come have a walk with me, but I had to finish something before going to get it done there as well. Time passed, and it got late, didn’t finish what I had to finish, and didn’t go anywhere. Felt a little bit depressed, and the mood was reversed upside down.

Thursday 21/9/2006

The mood was a little bit better, however, it didn’t continue the same way.

We had the farewell party for our country manager, one of the best ones I guess. Had another irritating news that day. I’m asked to leave my place for a week because we are having some people coming for the week, and there is no place for them. Well, I gave up my place willingly knowing that it’s just for a week, plus, I don’t like the place I moved to, but I thought I’ll try to manage it for the week. When I moved my stuff, I was told by the lady I’ll be sitting with her that I’ll be staying there for the whole month of Ramadan! That was the shock for me. Up till this moment, I can’t imagine how this will happen. I’m feeling very sad :(

Friday 22/9/2006

Had an early morning outdoor breakfast, it was nice, the four of us, me, my brother and my parents. It has been some time since we last ate together. Then we walked home. Dad wanted to go for shopping. Me unwillingly went with them. I hate it when my father goes shopping.. he takes hours there, and I’m not that kind of a shopping girl.

By night, me and mum thought of doing some decorations for Ramadan.. it looks great.. still missing the fanoos, gonna get it tomorrow hopefully..

Saturday 23/9/2006

Had a morning walk in old Cairo.. Went to a place called Al Darb Al Asfar were we visited Bayt Al Suhaymi, Al Khurazati and Mustafa Ja'far. It was amazing. First time for me in these places. A lot of history, and architecture to see. Was wishing to write more details about it, but the information I had was too much for me to recall.. however, I’m intending to read more about history, may be then I’ll be able to talk better about the places.

Went home, and asked my brother to come with me buy my new mobile. Well, I’ve been telling him this quite a lot the past days, and I guess he kinda got bored of me cause I’ve been telling him this a lot. Each time I make up my mind and decide which I’m gonna buy, then I go there, and feel hesitant. But today, I insisted that I won’t go back home without getting it.

The decision I had was to go get the Nokia 6131, went there, and for some reason, I decided I won’t be getting the 6131, and I’ll go get the Samsung D600, don’t ask me why, coz I don’t know.

So, I got my new mobile.. however I don’t feel as happy as I expected. On the contrary, I went home crying! I feel I made the wrong decision, or may be coz I feel I’m still not satisfied.. I don’t know.. I’m not feeling well, not in the mood for Ramadan at all.. plus that changing my place at work is really getting on my nerves.

After all, wish you all a very Happy Ramadan

I can’t not live without challenges.. that’s what I’ve discovered lately. As much as I dream of that easy going life.. doing nothing except sleeping and enjoying things I like doing, however, I discovered that whenever I have that ‘nothing’ to do, I feel bored to death.

I can’t tolerate life without having some challenges. Actually, that’s the whole thing about life. facing challenges and learning from them. It gives me that feeling of success, feeling happy because I made something that I thought I won’t be able to do. And what if I failed? No problem, life is about success and failure, and I gotta try both.

What if I had no challenges?! I won’t have stepping stones. And what if I didn’t have stepping stones?! I’ll just stand where I am. No learning, no progress, instead I might go backward.

It’s true, Challenges can be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. It's just a matter of how you view them. That’s the case with everything in life.

Sometimes I feel that everything in my life is going the easy way.. I don’t have enough challenges to build up myself, and give me strength.. I guess I’m missing a lot of stepping stones. But other times I think, may be if I had these stepping stones I would have seen them as stumbling blocks. What do I want?! An easy one?! A difficult one?! Don’t know!

Viewing it from another side, makes me ask myself a question, can’t I make it without the stepping stones?! And the answer is yes, I can’t, I’m weaker than going through the path without the stepping stones.

Nothing major has been happening for the previous days.. the normal dull life, not even a slight change!

Work is the same.. at times I feel bored.. plus I feel that certain things are going around that I don’t know anything about which is somehow irritating me.

My buying a new mobile plan is not as easy at it seemed to be. Having a lot of varieties and choices to choose from is making it a very difficult task for me. I’m not the kind of person who likes to go on researching stuff before I buy something. It goes with me differently, I feel like buying that phone, then I go buy it, that’s it. No comparisons, no checking other ones, not even paying much attention to the features.

But just considering the matter for sometime, I discovered there is a whole new world of mobile features.. which I don’t think I’d be using half of them.. but it just made the selection more difficult. At first I was considering either Nokia 6111 or Samsung D600. Nokia turned out to be with a very small memory of 23 MB and can’t have an external memory. That left me with the Samsung choice, however, a lot and discouraging me from buying it and are recommending any other Nokia one. Considered the Motorola V3i, but I’m not into that choice.

Some recommended the Nokia 6125, or 6131.. but I don’t know why I’m more into the Samsung.

I’ve always believed in something, the more I think about something, the more difficult I make it for myself to take a decision. I believe that there isn't a 100% correct decision.

Layla at times hated being a Layla. She wished she was someone else.. may be her life would have been better. She felt that she is placed in a certain frame that she should act according to it. The community around has drawn her a certain path that she should follow. Taking another path wasn’t accepted and wasn’t perceived well by her community.

She is stubborn, she can not accept what others want to do with her. She had a mind of her own, yet at times she was obliged to follow. She was accused of being rebellious. Actually she was. She opposed everything she had to do just because she is a Layla.

Through the few years of her life she kept struggling, however, sometimes she feels like giving up and following the path previously drawn for her.

She always wondered, what’s so wrong in being a Layla?! She is a human being like all other human beings.. she even hated that term of “Layla’s Rights” aka “Women’s Rights”. The term reflected a discrimination that she objects to.

Layla believes that she should be dealt with as a normal human being who could do whatever she wants. She is free, no one should tell her that Laylas shouldn’t be doing so and so.

Some might say that Layla is living a better life than her grandmothers long years ago. If we are to judge from the outside, this at times might be true. Almost all Laylas are out learning and working, they’ve got good positions, whether being ministers, members of the parliament, Judges, etc.. Yes they are all that, but if we are to dig deeper, still they are looked at as less efficient as if they don’t deserve what they’ve got.

It’s the way people think that should be changed, not by giving Layla more positions, nor by forcing a certain percentage that she should take in the parliament, nor by talking day and night about Layla’s rights. The community should accept Layla as an indispensable part of it’s existence, if it weren’t for her, a lot would have been missed.

I can’t claim that Layla is living the worst life, however some are.

http://laila-eg.blogspot.com/

Intolerance is becoming one of the main feelings I’m having these days. I’m getting very aggressive, dealing with people in not so good way.. doing my best to suppress these feelings inside but eventually I let them out.

Having combined feelings of loneliness combined with boredom. Can’t tolerate staying with myself a lot, nor staying with other people. Feel the need to be surrounded with people, though, not able to communicate with others.

Feel like doing a lot of stuff, but don’t have the energy nor the will to do anything. Feel the need to scream and cry, but I’m not doing either.

Bored from that daily routine, trying to change anything in my life.. got myself new water color pencils, bought new clothes, planning to buy a new mobile, but still I doubt that any of these will cause the change I’m seeking.

I even changed my blog’s template, got a new blue one.. but I don’t feel enthusiastic about it as I thought I would.

Talking of change, we are having some changes at work, not that good I guess. We are having a new country manager, who seems not to be as nice as the previous one. I’m very sad about that.

What else.. don’t know.. I feel I need to talk, but I can’t find anything to say.

Did my best to stop posting while I’m feeling down so as not make that place such a depressive one. However, I couldn’t hold myself back! I’m all filled with negative feelings and need to vent it off.. may be that would help me get rid of that feelings I’m having.

Been thinking of moving to wordpress for a while.. worked on it couple of months ago.. created my account there, imported my blogger posts and started trying and testing things for a while. As much as I was happy with some new features, I didn’t like some other stuff about it. On top of them is I’m not free to play with my template code as I want. Felt restricted with only some features I’m having since I’m not having the full wordpress version.

So, I dropped the issue for sometime, not knowing which to choose, each had it’s pros and cons. Now, I’m rethinking the idea again.. may be it’s just for the sake of change.. don’t know. Still, I’m not comfortable with all the restrictions I’m having on wordpress, will be giving up my ticking clock, my daily quote, my moon watch, etc.. but I feel like giving it a try and see how it’s gonna work.

So.. you could find my wordpress blog here.
Would appreciate it if you check it and tell me which do you think is better. Sticking to blogger or going for wordpress?!

For now I’ll keep using blogger till I make up my mind.