Saturday, February 25, 2006
A year from today I started that blog. I had no reason in mind except trying something new. Two people introduced me to the world of blogging. They were Bluelue and Shex. I thought why not, but I never thought I’ll continue for a one whole year.
I liked the idea.. felt more involved in the blogshpere.. and it became such an important part of my life. Thought it will be my safe private place to speak up whatever I feel inside, without fearing of being misunderstood, being judged for whatever I say. It was like talking to myself out loud. Brainstorming about what I’m going through. Seeing my thoughts right in front of me. Judging how I think.
At times that was the reason behind me blogging. However, things don’t always remain the same. The place became less private. I had fears that some people might come across my blog whom I don’t what them to recognize me. These fears were about to make me delete the whole thing, but I couldn’t.
It represents me. The good and the bad. Times when I have something to think of, and times when I’m just an air headed person. A place to criticize myself. See things that I sometimes don’t see about myself.
If I am to talk about that particular year that passed, I believe it was one that carried a lot of changes, a lot of major things that happened.
I started that blog when I was still a student in my final year at college. Having dreams and hopes. Wondering about my future. Wondering if I’ll make it out to the real world or not. Worried of the changes I was going through. Folding a page and starting a brand new one.
This blog witnessed almost all these moments. I skimmed quickly through my posts, from the very first one to my last entry. It felt that a lot has changed, but not me. Moments in my life, situations, states of mind, ideas, thoughts, feelings…
The story to be completed...
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:11 PM, |
She is someone who you would like to be around. Don’t know what exactly that attracts me towards her, a hidden thing. From time to time she crosses my mind and I feel like I want to meet her right now, I need to hear from her, I need to talk to her.
We got introduced to each other through a radio show online forum about 2 years ago. From the first line she wrote I felt there is something about that person. Later we started exchanging private messages through which we got to know more about each other. At that time, I remember I used to wait for her messages everyday, check my inbox 10 times an hour. I couldn’t delay replying her. It felt like you are talking to an old friend of yours.
At a certain time a main goal gathered us, I believe we both together with other friends were hoping for it to see the light, but I believe we didn’t have enough will. Anyways, after that, she disappeared for a long time. It was exams and stuff. But I very much needed to connect with her.
If I’d give her a name I’d call her the surprises lady!! Definitely she is. She never fails to surprise me. Each time after I lose hope of contacting her, unpredicted, I find her messages.
Summer 2004 we planned to meet each other. We did. Couldn’t forget it. She was different than the one I thought she would be, yet I liked her more. We left that day on a hope to meet again.
Days went by, connecting together became less.. each was busy with her own life.
Didn’t I say she never fails to surprise me?!! Or I could say life is full of surprises. Last summer, I was attending a course where I was expecting to meet people I know from school, form college, but the least expected was to run into her!
For a moment I couldn’t believe it. She even took sometime to recognize me. The place was crowded, we had a quick chit chat and each went to her place. We planned to meet the three of us me, her and another adorable friend of ours D. Unfortunately, we couldn’t carry out our plans, I wasn’t able to go again to the course, and again each got busy with life.
Couple of weeks ago, I ran into her again, at the same place. This time I wasn’t surprised that much, had and expectation I might see her again. Still we only can have that very quick chit chats.
A week later, I had a phone call from our friend D. giving me the most surprising news, she got married (katb ketab). I was like What?!! Who?!! When?? Repeat again please. I was shocked, don’t know why. It all happened in 4 days, she is really courageous to take such a decision in 4 days. Anyways, I was very happy for her, promised that we should be arranging for a meeting soon the three of us, me, A., and D.
Met A.L. last Thursday to find out that she new that D. got engaged and she promised we should be arranging something very soon.
Since last Thursday and I can’t get her nor the whole way of us getting to know each other from my mind. I mean, we only met once. What if we didn’t?! We would have been meeting face to face without knowing?! Imagine that your online friend would be your neighbor, the one sitting beside you in a bus, or the one working next to you.
Just about an hour ago, I went back to our messages, read them, and couldn’t prevent myself from smiling. I miss us there. I miss the connection. Though it felt wonderful. Ever tried to go through your very first e-mail messages that you had when you first created your account. It brings memories, thoughts..
Thank you my friend for eveyrthing you gave me intentionally or unintentionally.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 1:46 AM, |
Friday, February 24, 2006
It started by waking up on a continuous ring from the intercom at 7 in the morning. What a start!
When my brother answered the intercom, it turned out that the security guy of the opposite building caught someone stealing stuff from our garden!! Had to wake up to see what’s going on.
Well, the same thing that happened two times before. A young guy about 13 or 14 taking some stuff from the garden, and same course of actions. Yelling, Shouting, Fighting, getting the police officer, beating the guy, and nothing else.
As much as I know that the guy is guilty, as much as I felt pain when I saw him beaten. He is a young guy, and we don’t know his circumstances, we don’t know what led him to steal. If only we know how these people live!
Sometimes I feel I need to make the whole world happy, I wish to see all people smiling and laughing, I need them to realize that nothing deserve a single tear.
Anyways, back to my unpleasant Friday.
That whole thing in the morning resulted in me waking up early. Umm.. no problem. We waited for a while for my father to come back, but he was late, so we had breakfast me and mum.
I had to go to work to finish some stuff that should be working by Sunday. I had a quick shower, then headed to work. I thought it will take maximum of two hours, and I promised my mum I’ll be taking her to the cinema afterwards.
Well, those two hours extended to be about 6 hours!! Ughhhhh. I hate it. I don’t like things to get of my hands, and I keep revolving around myself. That last hour really drove me crazy. Lost track of what I was doing, couldn’t concentrate any more, and was like jumping on the chair to go home.
Decided I should leave immediately, else I don’t know what would I have done.
It was about 5:30, all my plans were destroyed. I was going to the cinema from 1, then we made it from 3, then we postponed it to 6. Well, we had to go have something to eat first. And that was it. When mum came down and we started to decide where to go. I couldn’t hold my temper more than that, and we started fighting. She thought I was talking to her in a bad way. Actually I was really irritated and nervous and couldn’t bear any discussions with anyone.
So, the stubborn me decided to complete the fight to the end and I didn’t let go. Anyways, I had a good fight with mum which ruined the mood for having any outing. We went to eat and back home.
Before going home, I managed to control myself and fix things again with her. What really saddened me was, I was angry of myself because I promised her with something and work hindered me from it. I was nervous because I wanted to spend the day with her, and she in a moment ruined everything.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:34 PM, |
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:17 PM, |
I really wonder what’s going on around?! What’s that state of panic spreading among people?!
First they say there are humans infected, then was that rumor of ‘don’t drink water’ that spread in no time.
People, calm down. What is it that we are afraid of?! Getting infected?! So what?! You will not change the way you are gonna die. If you are to die with a bird flu, you will, whatever precautions you take.
I’m not saying we don’t take necessary precautions, do. But not in that way. Think before you say anything.
I guess we should do something more useful than making up rumors!!!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:42 PM, |
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Everyday this theory of mine proves to be right. I’m just a mouth.
Well, after tomorrow I’ll be giving a one day training for some users. From the moment I heard that and I feel my heart is beating!!
I fear nothing as much as I fear public speaking. Though, I’ve attended a lot of presentation skills courses, and did presentations before, and I’m very aware of what does it take to make a good presentation. But still, this does nothing beside my fear of public speaking. Add to that, this time is different. It’s my first presentation at work. It’s a training. Some managers will be attending. It’s my first contact with the users face to face. I’m the youngest.
Well, will not list rest of the reasons. Don’t want to remind myself with them. I’m already in panic. I really wonder how do I want to teach?!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 8:49 PM, |
Saturday, February 18, 2006
In a glimpse of a second I remembered everything about my childhood, my school, my teachers, my friends, and my parents at that time. It felt as if that was a very long time ago.
Can’t imagine I’m over all these stages. Graduated from school, graduated from university, and currently working. There is something that I can’t comprehend. Sometimes while I’m sitting at work, I keep talking to myself, what am I doing here, how did I manage to be here, am I that good person that they think, where are my dreams, is it the end of the road, or it’s the start, am I happy, is it what I want?! Endless, countless questions that strikes me at a certain moment.
When I think I hate myself, I have to know why, and when I ask myself why, I realize I have a lot to change. When I think of what to change, I find a lot. When I think how did I become the person I am, I look back to how I used to be, and how I thought I will be.
To my surprise, I changed, but not much. I’m the same me. Same characteristics which I thought I only have cause I was a little kid. It turned out that it’s me, whether I’m a kid, or a grown up.
I wished I was a different kid. I wish I was a naughty student. I wish I was a more extrovert person. I wish I did what I wanted to do. I wish I had broken the rules. I wish I went off the line. I wish I wasn’t me.
I know it’s no use crying over spilt milk, nor looking back and saying I wish. I should look ahead and say I will. But a strong bond between the past and the future that can’t be broken. Each is pulling, and I wonder which will win? The past will drag me back to it or the future will pull me out of these memories.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:40 PM, |
Friday, February 17, 2006
Finally it’s the week end. It has been such a busy stressful week. Was having some problems at work, but you know what, I enjoy it. I enjoy having some challenging problems. Actually I get bored if there is nothing challenging.
So, it was a busy week at work, add to that that I enrolled myself in three courses at the same time, don’t know why. Plus, I’m having a two days per week course at work after working hours. What else?! Umm.. yeah, it was Valentine’s day, and I attended a concert at the culture wheel.
Ohh.. can’t imagine I did all that in a week. The moment I get home I do nothing except wishing my parents a good night and directly go sleep. To the extent that I even sometimes don’t see my mum. She sleeps early and go out early in the morning. Felt that I miss them. Was having a plan for this Friday, but I preferred to spend it with my mum instead.
Don’t know what about that feeling of longing for my parents these days. I really miss them. Feel sorry for my mum who sits alone in the afternoons. I miss my blog. I miss going around visiting my favorite blogs. I miss my chitchats with myself. I miss listening to the radio. I miss a lot of things.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:52 PM, |
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Guess what.. yes, I went to the final match for the African cup between Egypt and Cote De Voir. First time for me to attend a football match in the stadium. Actually I’m not that much interested in football. But this time it was different. I don’t know exactly what was different. All I know is I found myself watching the matches and searching for tickets everywhere.
Got the ticket, unfortunately from the black market. Wish I didn’t get it that way, but there was no other way. Was going with my friend and her colleagues from work. It was a very good company. I seriously couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. Countless number of people, doing the same thing, wearing the same colors, saying the same things, holding same things. All categories of people, different way of thinking, different backgrounds, different standards. All were there.
Couldn’t stop my mind from analyzing what’s going on around me, even analyzing why am I here?!! To be honest, I didn’t have a clear idea why I went. I don’t like football, my parents were totally against it, none of my family is that of a big football fan. Still I had that urge deep inside me to go. Was it for supporting Egyptian players?! Is it because I’m Egyptian?! Don’t know. Don’t know even if we were all there for the sake of Egypt?!
A lot of people around me thought it’s a trivial thing. It means nothing, and it only reflects that people are trivial. But I strongly disagree, though I can’t say why, I can’t know why I felt happy. The only thing I can point out was, I’m happy all these people gathered doing one thing, even if this thing is meaningless, it definitely reflects something.
I waked up today, searched the symbolism of the colors of our flag. I had a previous vague idea about the symbolism, but wanted to recheck. What I found more or less was the same that I knew. But I don’t know why I looked at it in a more general way. I believe that the red color represents all those who died defending their country. The black represents the time where injustice was dominant, and oppression of people (whether it’s over or not yet). White represents prosperity and optimism, whether it’s achieved or not yet. The eagle represents strength.
However, in that particular moment, through all what’s happening around me, I have totally different idea of the colors. The Red represents those victims of the Salam 98 ship, especially that only today we knew that one of my father’s friends was on it. The Black represents what going on about those Danish cartoons. The White represents winning the African cup of football. The eagle represents the strength of Egyptian people to handle all that, all the contradictions happening, it reflects their capability to unite and defend their rights.P.S. If interested that's the link for Samira's song.. Beautiful meaningful lyrics. I love the song.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 1:40 PM, |
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I wonder what’s about these feelings I’m having. I don’t know even what kind they are. It’s a stormy and windy weather in the inside. Couldn’t imagine me missing it. Was about to cry for not going. But come on, why go? Umm, I don’t know. Was jumping out of joy for knowing that I’ll be able to go. But there was that hidden feeling of fear. Fear of what? I went, and wished I didn’t. No, I was happy for going, or wasn’t I? Is it over? Or it’s not?! May be it’s over but it’s me who is resisting that. Or may be it’s not over and I’m convincing myself it is.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:37 PM, |
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
**Yesterday was my third time to the book fair, and I guess I haven’t even checked half of it. I can’t resist buying books, whatever kind. I feel that each and every book will have something new to add. My usual confusion, which of these books to buy? And the answer comes without me thinking, I just find my hands going towards crafts books. Be it paper cards, knitting, crochet, cross stitching, and more. I can’t have enough of them. Without realizing what I did I discovered that I ran out of money! No problem, the important thing is I’m happy.
Going back home, I can’t sleep without going through all the books I’ve bought. The shock of having an empty pocket vanished, and I felt I’m very lucky to have these books. But the feeling of wanting more still exist, though I have things from last year that I didn’t read.
**Since the start of this week, and all have been talking about the mystery of the missing tickets :D people can’t find any tickets for the coming football match between Egypt and Congo. Was planning to go, but for my misfortune the tickets disappeared. Well, they are in the black market, but I’m not gonna buy them from there, and I hope that no one will buy them from there, I guess that’s the only way for fighting it.
**I’ve taken today and tomorrow off work to spend sometime with my family. Finally we will all travel together. In couple of hours we will be heading to Alex. I’m really enthusiastic about these two days.
Belated Happy Hijri new year :)
posted by MoonLightShadow at 12:22 PM, |