MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

About a month ago I changed my place at work.. supposedly, I took a bigger space.. a more private one, but since I moved, I feel I’m distracted.. I feel uncomfortable.. I can’t get used to the place.. it doesn’t feel like mine.. and it’s really affecting my performance.. I’m not sure whether changing the place is the reason.. at least I think it’s one of the reasons..

People are leaving.. new people coming.. things are no longer as they used to be.. even myself, I changed.. I’m not doing what I used to do.. I’m not seeing things the same way I used to see it.. though, I became more aware of what’s going on around me, but I don’t like it.. I prefer not knowing..

I’m having new friends (not close friends, I’d say close colleagues).. for me, it’s a new type of relationship.. at times I don’t like naming a relation.. I hate putting borders.. I hate putting rules and regulations for each type.. however, I sometimes find things vague.. and always ask myself this question; is it possible to have work friends?! I mean, can things get that close to the extent of friendship?! Can we jut put off all these protecting shells and expose this vulnerable self to other work colleagues?! What if they miss use this trust?! What if they pretend to care just because they want you to finish some work for them?! I hate mixing between personal relations and work relations.. I barely can separate between both.. and things get messed!

Talking of change, I always seek it.. however, whenever I have it, I feel anxious.. I need time to get used to things.. and when I get used, I get emotionally attached, and when I get emotionally attached I feel bored and I seek change, but I find it hard.

I’ve been working now at my current workplace for about 2.7 years.. and we are moving.. we are leaving our current building for a new one.. at the beginning, I was very enthusiastic about it.. but then, when it’s getting closer everyday, I’m worried.. not sure of what?! But I’m not comfortable.. definitely, it’s gonna take me hell of a time to get used to that new building!!

Not sure what is it that’s making me sleepless for a couple of days now.. I wake up early in the morning, and I can’t sleep before 3 a.m.

Unfortunately it’s that working mind of mine.. it keeps working and working.. thinking of different things at the same time..

In an attempt to fall asleep.. I’ll just try to empty my mind and list down things I’m t thinking of..

-All MBA related stuff; GMAT exam, years of experience, short in time for the deadline, ELPT vs. TOEFL, reasons why I want to join, am I up to it?!, will I be able to pass through it?! All exams are scheduled after the deadline, should I apply now or wait for the next semester?!

-Mr. X; trying to understand everything he is doing, reading between the lines..

-Work; the zillion things I’m in charge of.. how will I handle all this?! Am I a good professional person.. how would I work more effectively?! How would I make the best out of my work time?!

-N’s outing; trying to think of something creative, thinking of people that I’d ask them to share..

-Mum; how things will be going with her, is there any hope of complete recovery and seeing her as active as she used to be?!

-Personal life; needing someone to share my life with.. and wondering if I’ll ever find any?! Wondering about the rules I put for myself, how far am I abiding by them.. do I have any rules at the first place.. do I really need to define a new set of rules.. how am I seen by others.. what is it that I need to change about myself to be a better person?!


Still Sleepless!

So.. things went as I really wanted.. the meeting was ok, though I came out with a long list of To Do(s).. but I enjoyed it.. it was the first time we attend a meeting together.. wanted to see him in meetings.. how he deals with things..

On our way back to location Y, I was the happiest ever.. we had the longest conversation.. well, let me redefine it.. I had him talking for hour and a half.. it was kind of a one way conversation.. but I enjoyed listening.. and just throwing a question or a comment, and leave him talk..

If someone else was in my place they would have hated the talk.. actually, he was telling me about his girlfriend.. from which we jumped to other topics.. but still, all related to how he sees her, or how he is dealing with her..

At the moment I was happy, just for chitchatting together.. however, when I returned back and recalled the conversation again, I'm the angriest ever.. at times I feel that what he has been saying was for only one reason; to convey that there would never be anything between us.. Other times, which most probably is a result from my imagination.. I feel he is only teasing me.. I'm not sure.. but he is really getting on my nerves.. it's not the time yet to get him out of my list :S

I knew about his meeting @ location X.. was thinking all through the weekend wetherI can go to location X or not.. yes, I have work there, but at the same time I wanted to be @ location Y for work reasons.. Out of no where, I find myself required to attend the same meeting he is attending :D

Usually I would have hated that tadbessa.. being asked to attend a meeting I know nothing about, and being notified that late isn't something I like.. but this time it's totally different.. I'm totally excited :D I found a reason to be @ location X and in the same meeting.. I love that coincidence..

I think from now on I should be posting more often.. why is that?! Simply because I finally got a wireless access point at home.. this means I can have the laptop in my room and blog as much as I want.. without having people interfering in what I’m doing.. and without having the feeling of being watched.. these were mainly the reasons why I wasn’t blogging recently.. I need my time to write whatever I have in mind, and for me to be able to catch those thoughts here and there, I needed to feel secured.. to sit all by myself and empty my head from all bugging thoughts..

I’m hoping this will free a good space in my mind to be able to concentrate more and feel less distracted..

So.. I’m busy busy like a bee these days.. or that’s how I appear to be.. when I have the time to just think for couple of minutes of what I’m doing.. I find myself doing nothing.. what is it that’s keeping me busy then?!

‘Uff’ became my start of the day word.. if I am to count how many times I say it.. I guess I’d reach ten times per minute.. I hate myself when I’m in that state.. but I just feel too much dragged into nothing..

Currently I’m not doing any added value job at work.. I’m just giving support.. and solving tedious problems.. it’s not the new job, it’s just the surrounding circumstances.. I had a colleague who left, and I’m handling some of his work for the time being.. plus we r are having that new colleague who I’m supposed to be working with her for a while till she is capable of working alone.. and I have my own work, which I’m doing nothing of!

My working day is divided between shouting to people on the phone and talking to myself.. and I suddenly discover that my day has ended without doing a single thing from my to do list..
I should admit I’m not a well organized person.. but still, things around me are not allowing me to be organized.. everything is distracting.. I believe that I’ve got a lot to add.. things of value.. but I just don’t have the chance to start!

When do I leave work?! Usually not before 7 or 8 p.m.. well, I can leave before that if I want.. but the thing is I don’t want! The other part of my day is not that fun either.. it’s all about housework! I’m almost doing everything at home since my mum can’t do anything at the moment.. and whenever I complain, people keep telling me your mum used to do all this! Well, I’m not my mum.. this is too much for me.. I hate feeling that I’m not controlling my life.. on the contrary, life is controlling me!

I hate how pathetic I became.. always complaining.. no matter what is it that I have, I don’t feel happy.. I keep repeating myself again and again.. only stating problems and never trying to solve any.. is it that I really don’t have time to sit and think how to get out of what I’m in.. or it’s that I need to get encouraged.. to share what I’m feeling.. to find someone to help me out of what I got myself in..

Mab2tsh 3arfa maly.. I’m acting totally weird when he is around.. I can feel it, and definitely people around feel it as well.. but the question is, does he feel it?! Does he know how weird I act when he is around! The moment he enters from the door.. I can’t control how fast my heart beats.. I can’t control my voice tone.. I can’t control my excitement.. I know how dumb I appear at these moments.. but I’m just uncontrollable when he is around..

At times ana fe3lan bab2a afsha 3alieh.. but the moment I see him, I just forget all about it.. and then I keep blaming myself for forgetting all about it!

Sometimes, I feel he is smart enough to understand.. other times, I wonder, how can I feel that way aslan! We are different..Unfortunately! I’d cope with this difference, or that’s what I claim.. but, from his view, do I worth coping with the difference?!

A question that I wished to find a direct answer to.. are we really extreme styles?! Would there be any meeting points?! Or I’m just dreaming of nothing that would happen.. well, I shouldn’t deny it.. yes, it will take it’s time with me and everything will be over.. it happens every time.. I feel I can’t live without having the person around, and then suddenly I discover that I can’t tolerate him anymore!

At times, I feel he really cares.. he makes up stuff to contact, or that’s how I see it.. but other times.. he is extremely rude.. well, he turned me jealous.. it’s kind of a challenge for me.. however, it’s in his favor.. that’s why I’m hating that challenge..