MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

Don’t know why these days everything is going against my direction, almost everything is not going the way I want it to be, though I do my best to get what I want. That’s what I call back luck!

Tonight I was supposed to join an evening walk at Al Muizz and Al Gamaliya, was very enthusiastic about it, and cancelled everything I had just to join. The meeting point was at el Hussien, that was all that I knew. I even don’t know how to go there, but I knew I’ll be able to reach the place. Left home an hour before the time putting in mind that I might be lost. On my way I discovered that I had to put fuel to the car, after doing that I discovered that I was left with only 3 and a half pounds! No problem, I’ll pass by the bank on my way and things will be fine.

Unfortunately, the ATM machine was down, thought I’d pass by another branch on my way as well, after waiting there for about 15 minutes, the machine was down as well!!

I didn’t give up, I thought I might find another branch on my way. So, I was almost late, going to a place that I don’t know how to go to, with only 3 and a half pounds. One option that I had is just drive back home, but I insisted I should complete the way, I was very much into that walk.

I reached Al Azhar street, which I supposedly thought that el Hussien should be near there. I asked I knew where it was. Now it was the difficult part of finding a place to park. Well, I knew where I should park it, but there was no U turn to go back to the parking. Was late for about 15 minutes or so. Parked the car, putting in mind that I shouldn’t be by anyway late than two hours, else I won’t be able to pay for the parking.

Walked till I reached el Hussien, and guess what, yeah as I thought I didn’t find anyone, I was too late and they started the walk :( Still didn’t give up, I called the organizer, and asked where they are. I knew where they were, and started asking to be able to reach there.

Can’t deny that I was a little bit scared. It was a place that I’ve never been in before, all by myself, with only 3 pounds left. I kept walking and walking till finally I reached the place were I thought I’ll meet them there. But guess what, I didn’t find them, Called and no one replied :((

Didn’t know what should I do. Should I proceed, may be I’ll find them, should I go back, or I keep waiting where I am and try calling again. I felt the place wasn’t safe for me to keep waiting. Was not sure I could proceed walking, the only option I had was go back before I’d be charged for more than two hours in the park and I had no money.

The problem was, I didn’t know how could I go back again. Didn’t want to take the same way I took, felt unsecured walking there. Didn’t know how long would it take me walking in the main street till I reach the park. Didn’t know how much would a taxi take till there. Kept going back and forth. Heading to where the car is, and then back again to where I might meet the group, then back again towards my car. Definitely I was very silly. Then felt that I should go back. Kept waiting till I found a bus stopping, I asked whether he goes to the parking area or not, and he said yes. I immediately jumped into it. Thank God I was only charged for half a pound. This means that I’m left with 3 pounds.

Finally I was back to where I parked my car, kept praying that I’ll be charged for only 1 hour, else, I don’t know from where could I get the money. Thank God, I was charged for only 1.65 pounds.

While driving home, I couldn’t believe how silly and stupid I was to do all this to myself. I missed everything. I missed the walk, missed visiting a friend, missed relaxing at home.

I just spoilt everything for myself. I was happy with the whole thing, it was a new experience that I can’t deny that I liked. A change from my daily routine, but I wished that I would have managed things better than that.

On the other side, things are horrible at work. It’s end of month, seems that people don’t work except end of the month. I have something that I should be doing tomorrow at work (etdabest feeha) and dad was asking me today to take the day off coz we might be traveling.

So, the case is, ana metdabesa fi 7aga at work, something that I don’t like doing, nor know exactly how will I do it, and my dad wants me to take the day off because he finally will fulfill my wish and we’ll travel to Sinai.

I’m feeling so desperate!

I used to think that I have that phobia, but now I’m sure it’s a fact that I can not deny.

Couple of weeks ago, my parents asked me to have a conversation together. My father started saying “let’s have some serious talk, what are your requirements in your future husband?”

I paused for a second, it’s not because I didn’t expect it, on the contrary, the way they asked me for the conversation uncovered the whole thing about it. Anyways, I replied that I don’t have specific characteristics, can’t state them in a list!

Of course my father didn’t like that answer. He kept trying to list the characteristics and I choose. Just for the sake of keeping the conversation going, I answered his questions, noting that I’m doing this just for the sake of answering the question, however my answer shouldn’t put any criteria. Things kept going smooth till we reached the religious point, and I was about to end the whole conversation! My dad is the kind of person who likes to quantify everything. He gives a weight or a score to everything. He can’t imagine that there are such things that we humans can’t judge nor score.

We kept debating that point for a while, from my side trying to tell him that no one can know how religious a person is, it’s a private relation between one self and God that no one can judge or know. From his side trying to prove that we can roughly give a score! As expected he gave me a low score, depending on his own criteria of measurement, and he took the decision that my future husband should be having a higher score than I do!!! We finally ended that discussion at that limit, or else I don’t know how I would have ended it.

He uncovered the reason for that strange discussion we were having, it’s because there is someone who has proposed for marrying me. It’s from my grandparent’s side. His grandparents used to know my grandparents 30 years ago!

My dad went through that whole discussion without asking, whether I agree to such way of marriage or not at the first place. He mentioned that at the very end, saying, “That’s for sure if you agree on that way of arranged marriage”. At that point I was fed up, and had no breath to discuss anything any further, and I said, why not, let’s see.

Things ended at that point, and no one mentioned anything about that issue for some days, about a week or so. I thought that things ended, and there was a problem in proceeding, and thanked God for that.

A week ago, I found my dad telling me that he passed the first test! That was my dad’s meeting with him, and he thought he is ok and is matching general criteria! Passing that test meant, proceeding to the second test which was meeting me. He was traveling for a week, so this meeting had to be after he is back. During that week, I couldn’t imagine that all that is serious. Couldn’t imagine it’s happening to me. I felt weird to be going through all this.

He was back last Thursday, called my father and arranged for a meeting the next day.

Only then that I felt things are really serious! Didn’t want to be judgmental, and thought I’ll give the guy a chance, meet him and then decide.

Went, met him, was having the strangest feelings ever. A person that I’ve never met in my life before, and we have to handle a conversation together! I even couldn’t come up with anything to talk about. Most of the time it was him and my father talking, and I’m just listening and watching. Barely shared in the conversation, except when I was asked a direct question. At the end we reached a point were we can’t find anything to talk about, and kept looking at each other waiting for any to open a subject to talk about. Was bored to death, kept looking at time for anyone to understand that I wanna go, but it was in vain, was stuck in that meeting from 7 to 12.

Despite being bored at the end, but I can’t deny that he caught my attention at certain moments, almost had some similar interests. My basic condition was, he should love traveling, and he was ok with that. The conversation was full of that religious questions from his side which I wasn’t willing to answer, but I tried my best just out of trying to be polite. But these questions got on my nerves. I don’t accept it for someone to ask me about whether I wake up to pray el sob7 or not! I don’t accept it for someone to ask me how frequent do I say do3a2 (prayers)! The more he asked that kind of questions, the more I felt suffocated. Felt like telling him it’s non of ur business.

Putting aside all this, I kept silent all the way till we reached home. Was still unable to comprehend what’s happening. My parent’s kept asking what do I think of him, and I can’t imagine that I can judge a person whom I’ve never met in my life, and decide whether I can live the rest of my life with him or not. The safest answer is no I don’t want him. Yes, we might have some stuff in common, and he might be acceptable to my family, but I don’t feel like sharing my life with him!

Kept trying to convey that message to my father, but in vain, he couldn’t understand what I’m saying. As if I’m coming from another planet. It took me a long time to make him understand that there is something called acceptance, I can’t live with that person!

He kept telling me that since there is no major repelling factor, so we should give him another chance, and added that this is considered as a gift from God which I shouldn’t refuse as long as I don’t have a major cause for that! But, I insisted on my NO. The more he kept talking about it, the more I felt like being persistent on my NO.

Plus, I pointed out the fact that he might not have accepted me as well. In fact, I was wishing for that. At least not to feel bad about myself cause it’s me who is refusing. Unfortunately, he called and was asking my father for the next step!

I seriously was astonished! How would that guy agree on marrying me, and I can assure him that he knew nothing of who am I?!! Not a single thing.

Thank God, my father delivered my refusal and ended the whole thing with him.

Thought that was the end of the story. But unfortunately it wasn’t. Yesterday, my grandfather came, he rarely does so. It was clear why he was here. He didn’t lose much time and started talking about it, asking why I refused and that I should have given the guy another chance. He kept repeating what my dad was saying. I told him that I’ve already made my decision, and that we had told him about it.

Finally the issue is over, but it left me with a very big question. Do I really fear commitment?! Definitely yes. The idea of me sharing my life with someone scares me. I’m not used to sharing who am I with others. Can’t uncover all these covers. Why would I give up my freedom and tie myself with another person?! As much as I used to think that marriage is a necessary thing in one’s life, but when I was about to take serious steps about it, I felt I’m living a nightmare!

My parents always think that I’m never satisfied. Can’t deny that truth. Tried digging in deeper to know why is that. One thing that I realized about myself is, I always talk about the past and the future. I occasionally pay attention to my current situation and try to enjoy it.

It’s either that I see the past as the good old days, or I think that it was these days that is causing me all the trouble now. I dream of a better future.. the days when I’ll fulfill all my dreams. Will be the only controller of my life and decisions. I keep anticipating, without looking to what I presently have.

I look to the past days, and say if only I did this or that. If only I enjoyed my life as I wanted. But seems that I never learn the lesson of enjoying. Always feeling there is something missing. Sometimes I feel restless, just wanting to know what is the coming days bringing. While I’m waiting, life slips away.

I theoretically get what I want, however, I don’t know how to enjoy it.

Suddenly I’m having that feeling of being distant from all people around. It’s nothing that anyone did to me.. but I’m just unable to communicate and socialize. It happens a lot to me, but not all people understand.

I’m even feeling the distance between me and myself.. I guess that’s the reason. How would I connect with others if I can’t connect with my own self?!

Sometimes I’m fine with it, knows that it will take its time and I’ll be back to normal. But other times I feel I’m pressured by that feeling.. feeling sometimes that I’m rude, selfish, arrogant..

May be I’m not satisfied with who I am, wanting to be that other person, however I’m not meant to be that person. isn’t that true?! I guess yes. You can not easily be who you want to be. That inner characteristics of me are not compatible with being that other person I want to be. I don’t like admitting that, but I’m tired from struggling with myself and with the surroundings.

At times I think that I should go with the flow, stop resisting, just observe my surrounding environment and fit myself!

At times I’m a person who loves to be challenged.. just tell me that I won’t be able to do this thing, and you will find me doing it very well.. may be it’s the challenge or the stubbornness, I don’t know..

I just thought for a second about stuff that I like, and found that almost all of them needs patience, take a long time to get done, however, when I’m done with them, I’m the happiest ever.

Even through my school and college years, I used to wait for my results impatiently.. loved that feeling of waiting for the results.. feeling that there is something good at the end of the road.. it was never a materialistic thing, despite the gifts of course ;) but really, that was never everything. It just gave me that feeling of self appreciation..

This summer, is my first summer without waiting for my results.. was very sad for that.. my cousins and brother had their results out.. and it’s only me who wasn’t waiting for anything..

Isn’t it the case?! Nothing that I’m waiting for.. life is almost monotonous, no change is happening.. I can’t stand life that way.

Should I consider going for masters?! Not sure I want to do this.. I no more want to go into theoretic study..

I’m even not buying any new stuff.. not reading.. not seeing new places.. having nothing new to do..

Targeting perfection, though you are not perfect!

Asking people to accept you, though you don't accept yourself except if people accepted you!

Feeling you belong to some people, though these people feel you don't belong to them!

Sometimes a person keeps dreaming of something, thinking it's a long way to go till this dream is achieved.

You just keep dreaming and put it in a certain perfect picture, which might not be fulfilled, however, you could reach that dream with cutting down the conditions.

I've been like that all my life, no big cutting down of conditions, reaching almost what I though I wanted, but that never guaranteed that I was happy and satisfied.

Life is and has always been like a game for me, never thought that anything would be for real. But, the older a person gets, the more he realize it's no longer a game.

You find yourself at that point of taking decisions, that might affect your life forever.. sometimes even there is no turn backs.

The more I'm taking these decisions, or feeling it's getting near, I'm terrified.

As much as I'm not patient, sometimes I feel like I want to close my eyes and just jump ten years forward.. but that's only to know how would my decisions now affect me late.

Life is getting real day after the other, and I'm just that little kid, still figuring my way out.