Commitment Phobia

Monday, August 28, 2006
I used to think that I have that phobia, but now I’m sure it’s a fact that I can not deny.

Couple of weeks ago, my parents asked me to have a conversation together. My father started saying “let’s have some serious talk, what are your requirements in your future husband?”

I paused for a second, it’s not because I didn’t expect it, on the contrary, the way they asked me for the conversation uncovered the whole thing about it. Anyways, I replied that I don’t have specific characteristics, can’t state them in a list!

Of course my father didn’t like that answer. He kept trying to list the characteristics and I choose. Just for the sake of keeping the conversation going, I answered his questions, noting that I’m doing this just for the sake of answering the question, however my answer shouldn’t put any criteria. Things kept going smooth till we reached the religious point, and I was about to end the whole conversation! My dad is the kind of person who likes to quantify everything. He gives a weight or a score to everything. He can’t imagine that there are such things that we humans can’t judge nor score.

We kept debating that point for a while, from my side trying to tell him that no one can know how religious a person is, it’s a private relation between one self and God that no one can judge or know. From his side trying to prove that we can roughly give a score! As expected he gave me a low score, depending on his own criteria of measurement, and he took the decision that my future husband should be having a higher score than I do!!! We finally ended that discussion at that limit, or else I don’t know how I would have ended it.

He uncovered the reason for that strange discussion we were having, it’s because there is someone who has proposed for marrying me. It’s from my grandparent’s side. His grandparents used to know my grandparents 30 years ago!

My dad went through that whole discussion without asking, whether I agree to such way of marriage or not at the first place. He mentioned that at the very end, saying, “That’s for sure if you agree on that way of arranged marriage”. At that point I was fed up, and had no breath to discuss anything any further, and I said, why not, let’s see.

Things ended at that point, and no one mentioned anything about that issue for some days, about a week or so. I thought that things ended, and there was a problem in proceeding, and thanked God for that.

A week ago, I found my dad telling me that he passed the first test! That was my dad’s meeting with him, and he thought he is ok and is matching general criteria! Passing that test meant, proceeding to the second test which was meeting me. He was traveling for a week, so this meeting had to be after he is back. During that week, I couldn’t imagine that all that is serious. Couldn’t imagine it’s happening to me. I felt weird to be going through all this.

He was back last Thursday, called my father and arranged for a meeting the next day.

Only then that I felt things are really serious! Didn’t want to be judgmental, and thought I’ll give the guy a chance, meet him and then decide.

Went, met him, was having the strangest feelings ever. A person that I’ve never met in my life before, and we have to handle a conversation together! I even couldn’t come up with anything to talk about. Most of the time it was him and my father talking, and I’m just listening and watching. Barely shared in the conversation, except when I was asked a direct question. At the end we reached a point were we can’t find anything to talk about, and kept looking at each other waiting for any to open a subject to talk about. Was bored to death, kept looking at time for anyone to understand that I wanna go, but it was in vain, was stuck in that meeting from 7 to 12.

Despite being bored at the end, but I can’t deny that he caught my attention at certain moments, almost had some similar interests. My basic condition was, he should love traveling, and he was ok with that. The conversation was full of that religious questions from his side which I wasn’t willing to answer, but I tried my best just out of trying to be polite. But these questions got on my nerves. I don’t accept it for someone to ask me about whether I wake up to pray el sob7 or not! I don’t accept it for someone to ask me how frequent do I say do3a2 (prayers)! The more he asked that kind of questions, the more I felt suffocated. Felt like telling him it’s non of ur business.

Putting aside all this, I kept silent all the way till we reached home. Was still unable to comprehend what’s happening. My parent’s kept asking what do I think of him, and I can’t imagine that I can judge a person whom I’ve never met in my life, and decide whether I can live the rest of my life with him or not. The safest answer is no I don’t want him. Yes, we might have some stuff in common, and he might be acceptable to my family, but I don’t feel like sharing my life with him!

Kept trying to convey that message to my father, but in vain, he couldn’t understand what I’m saying. As if I’m coming from another planet. It took me a long time to make him understand that there is something called acceptance, I can’t live with that person!

He kept telling me that since there is no major repelling factor, so we should give him another chance, and added that this is considered as a gift from God which I shouldn’t refuse as long as I don’t have a major cause for that! But, I insisted on my NO. The more he kept talking about it, the more I felt like being persistent on my NO.

Plus, I pointed out the fact that he might not have accepted me as well. In fact, I was wishing for that. At least not to feel bad about myself cause it’s me who is refusing. Unfortunately, he called and was asking my father for the next step!

I seriously was astonished! How would that guy agree on marrying me, and I can assure him that he knew nothing of who am I?!! Not a single thing.

Thank God, my father delivered my refusal and ended the whole thing with him.

Thought that was the end of the story. But unfortunately it wasn’t. Yesterday, my grandfather came, he rarely does so. It was clear why he was here. He didn’t lose much time and started talking about it, asking why I refused and that I should have given the guy another chance. He kept repeating what my dad was saying. I told him that I’ve already made my decision, and that we had told him about it.

Finally the issue is over, but it left me with a very big question. Do I really fear commitment?! Definitely yes. The idea of me sharing my life with someone scares me. I’m not used to sharing who am I with others. Can’t uncover all these covers. Why would I give up my freedom and tie myself with another person?! As much as I used to think that marriage is a necessary thing in one’s life, but when I was about to take serious steps about it, I felt I’m living a nightmare!
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:07 PM, |

15 Comments:

  At 8/29/2006 01:49:00 AM Anonymous Someone said:
My dad is the kind of person who likes to quantify everything.
people tend to differ in the general degree to which they have wiegh everything..

As far as I know, this kind of arrangement does not go from the first time. It is not a rule rather as long as you are not sure though, hesitated, besides you & him might have some sort of common base so why not meeting him another time to set the whole issue! Just an idea..

Regarding your parents, their decision should be considered while building yours.

I'd like to congratulate you the next time..
P.S.3ala fakra ana ba7b asafar::wink wink.
Dear Moon,
Apparently you're not the type who'll get married this way, and u don't have to.

Why would I give up my freedom and tie myself with another person?!
Sweetie , if u love the person whom u'll marry , u'll feel free around him and u'll want to be with him all the time , so the commintment will come naturally.

Best of luck ;)
Someone, may be I should have given him another chance, but the problem wasn't in him as much as it was in myself. Just meeting him made me repel the whole idea, and that's not because he is too bad, but meeting him made me think about the issue seriously, imagining the rest of my life with a person who I know nothing about.. it's just this kind of arrangment doesn't fit with me.

Add to that, my mum was supporting my opinion. She didn't like the guy, and still she was not able to pinpoint what was wrong about him.

I guess you will wait for a very long time till you congratulate me.. may be forever!
Mesh t2ool enak bt7eb tesafer.. keda tesebny mestanya b2aly keteer :PP

Rain, you are right, I can't go for that kind of marriage. As u said, may be the only reason for me to get commited is finding that one person whom I'd feel like sharing my life with. This need should come first before getting marriage, can't imagine it the other way round.
  At 8/29/2006 09:57:00 PM Anonymous Someone said:
tab kalmelly papa, w 7adedelly ma3d ma3h 3ashan agi ashrb al shai 3andku! Wink :)

Anyways, Wishing you the best!

to be cont.
Moon, I don't see this as a commitment issue, I see it as a wrong way of arranging a marriage.

A few arranged dates are hardly enough to know someone well enough to marry them. Sometimes you date people for months and years and still don't know everything about them or you reach the conclusion they are all wrong for you.

Besides, I don't see you as the type to rush into something like that! And Rain is right, if it were love, you would not feel like being deprived of your freedom! :)

Goodluck in everything!
Alina, Don't know why I felt is a commitment issue.. may be because I felt it's too hard to know everything about a person. I just can't imagine myself taking that decision! May be I'm saying that because I don't fine 'the person' to share my life with.. may be I'd change my opinion when I find him.. and may be I'll be always scared just to take the decision.

Thanks for your wishes :)
  At 9/02/2006 01:01:00 AM Anonymous Someone said:
I used to think that I have that phobia, but now I’m sure it’s a fact that I can not deny.
Why?!
Simply because I can't take the decision of getting committed.
  At 9/02/2006 12:31:00 PM Anonymous Somone said:
badly done moon! :(
Mind explaining?!
  At 9/02/2006 01:43:00 PM Anonymous Someone said:
tedeeni kam?!
Seems that u mind explaining.
  At 9/02/2006 07:02:00 PM Anonymous Someone said:
tos2 tos2, by contrast, you do not have solutions! han3ml bo5la wala ah :P
  At 9/06/2006 04:48:00 AM Anonymous Someone said:
Ouch! b2a te3mli fia keda. betnafadelly..
Mesh banafadlak, I'm just waiting for your explanation.