MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I no longer can hear his voice.. I do my best to escape getting into a conversation together.. I’m doing my best to appear uncaring.. I’m blocking any way of communication.. and still he insists!

I’m starting to get rude.. just repelling with every possible way..

Don’t ask me what happened.. I myself don’t know! I just can’t come nearer.. there is this distance that no one should cross.. at times I wished it to be crossed.. but whenever it happens, I start running away! I feel suffocated.. insecure..

I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I can’t help it.. I neither want to hurt myself!

These days I’m staying with my grandma because my parents traveled for Hajj..
As a result, I don’t have Internet access, and I feel disconnected..
Anyways, I thought of wishing you all a Happy 3eed (I know it’s a little bit late) and a Happy new year to come, filled with happiness and joy..

Opening my blog this morning, I found out that some of my blog images expired on the server and they no longer exist!!
The good thing is I keep a backup of my old templates, so, thought of using my previous one till I manage and re-host my blog pictures again.

Finally I started my diet today.. been waiting for that day for more than a month.. I should have started two weeks ago, but as a result of what I was passing through I couldn’t start.

Went yesterday to the doctor and discovered that I’ve got a good number of kilos that I’ve got to lose.. this week’s diet is fine, actually I like it..

I’m feeling better than I thought.. people around thought that I’ll be depressed when I start, but on the contrary, I’m feeling happy about it.. actually I’m convinced that I’m just taking some necessary steps towards a healthier life.. I need to start walking or exercising..

I hope that I won’t lose my enthusiasm after a while.. I’m taking it as a challenge and to test my ability to control myself for my own benefit..

I’m not sad.. and I’m not happy.. I’m having a mix of both at the same time.. It’s harder.. not knowing how am I feeling..

“Life goes on” That’s what I keep telling myself.. whatever is happening to me happened million of times before.. and life didn’t stop.. but, is that true?!

Why do I feel that there is a message from whatever is happening?! There is a lesson that I should learn.. but seems that I can not understand it.. seems that I lost my capability to learn..

Three in one month.. first it was my cousin’s twin babies who died before their delivery time by one month.. then it was my grandfather.. and couple of days ago it was my brother’s friend.. and who knows who is next!

I learnt the lesson.. I learnt that no one is far from it.. I learnt that it surprises you.. and I learnt that you can do nothing about it.

But I believe that there are more lessons to be learnt.. a lot between the lines.. but, what if I can no longer read between the lines?!

These are some of the thoughts that goes in my mind whenever I give myself the time to think.. however, if I didn’t exert that effort in trying to realize what’s going around, I just keep going..

I believe that I have that strange capability of “keep going”. Sometimes I even think that there is something wrong with me.. I can get occupied with life more than I should.. I can keep my mind busy with whatever it is, just to avoid thinking! As long as I’m not thinking, everything is going fine.. and you could see that cheerful side of me.. and I wonder, what is it that I should be doing?! Keep going, or stop and think?!

I feel tired.. tired of everything.. work, life, myself..

I need to find a meaning out of everything.. I hate that state of just going.. being led by the routine life.. I need to be in control.. but what if I can not lead myself, should I follow?!

It has been a week since my grandfather passed away.. up till this moment I can’t comprehend what happened.. I’m in a denial status.. I’ve always wondered how would I feel loosing someone close and dear to me.. never imagined the situation.. tried to prepare myself for such situation.. for losing close people.. but no preparations are sufficient..

First two days.. I’d say we all went with the flow.. we had other people thinking for us.. my mind didn’t have it’s time to understand what’s going on.. I got the news by phone, and my mind stopped working.. couldn’t not believe it.. though no one can escape it..

I kept crying and talking to myself out loud.. imaging that I’m talking to my grandfather.. I couldn’t remember exactly what was I saying.. but I couldn’t silence myself.. it was too hard for me to understand..

Went to my grandparents house.. found a lot of people.. some I know.. others I don’t.. couldn’t see except my mother.. I knew she could not bear it.. I knew how much she loved her father..

Followed that was the prayer and the burying.. and that was it.. he no longer belonged to our world.. he is somewhere else.. only God knows where is he..

Back to my grandparents house after the prayer.. couldn’t imagine that I’d enter that house and not find my grandfather there.. people kept coming and going.. they were all there to support us.. but I couldn’t see anyone.. I kept inside.. just trying to comprehend..

Second day was the 3aza.. people you never thought they’d come.. people supporting by every way they can.. thank you words are not enough.. still, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do.. I still can’t realize the whole situation..

Starting the fourth day I began to realize what’s happening.. to realize that he will no longer be here.. realize that I’ve missed one of the kind hearted people ever.. realize that things are not the same anymore.. our happy family days are over.. wished I’ve enjoyed them more before they are gone..

Memories kept flowing.. so did my tears.. remembered last time I saw him before he went into the intensive care.. he was sad because it has been some time since I last visited them.. remembered last time I saw him in the intensive care.. he kept holding my hand.. tears were in his eyes.. as if he felt that it was a matter of days.. he tried to talk.. but he had the ventilator in his mouth and couldn’t talk.. was not able to see him this way.. couldn’t hold my tears back and ran outside..

That was my last time to see him.. can’t delete that picture from my head.. never thought that it would be my last time.. every day I went to the hospital I wondered when would we stop that routine of staying all day long in the hospital doing nothing and we weren’t even beside him.. was always looking forward for the day when he will be transferred to a normal room.. never thought that would be the end.. the idea even didn’t cross my mind.. well.. it crossed my mind.. but couldn’t give myself the chance to think about it..

Was talking to my father and he told me that forgetting is a bliss.. but I replied, no one could forget my grandfather.. I don’t know am I too attached to him.. or it’s because he is the first close person to me who passes away..

Me: “Mama.. ana ba7ebek awy” (Mum, I love you soo much)
Mum: “Mat7ebeesh 7ad awy.. ana kont ba7eb babaya awyy” (Don’t love anyone soo much.. I used to love my father very much)

I don’t know why am I writing this post.. I even don’t know how could I sit and writ it.. but I just need to speak it out.. though I can’t speak it out verbally.. it is going in my mind.. and I need to get all these thoughts out..

Ma7'no2a w 7assa eny 7afar2a3.. mesh tay2a ay 7aga 7awalya.. mesh 2adra 2atkalem w a7'od w ady ma3 el nas.. ma3 eny 7assa eny me7taga atkalem.. bas mesh 2adra.. mesh 3arfa 7ata ana 3ayza 2a2ool eih.. e7sas eny mad3'outa da meday2ny awy.. da 3'eer en ana nafssyan ta3bana mesh na2sa da3't aktar men el zorof elly ana feeha.. men kotr mana mesh tay2a el sho3'l ba7ess eny momken fi ay la7za 2a2olohom ana mashya w saybalko kol 7aga.. bas aw7ash 7aga eny lessa 3andy 7etet 3a2l.. mesh 7a3rf a3mel keda b shola, 7'asatan eny mafeesh 7aga tanya fi dma3'y momken a3melha..
7atganen 7'alas.. mesh 3arfa leeh kol 7aga metkarkeba fo2 dma3'y mara wa7da keda.. wa 7assa eny da3eefa w mesh 2adra 2at7amel kol da lwa7dy.. 7assa eny momken anhar fi ay la7za.. aw 2afar2a fi ay 7ad.. w ma3rfsh sa3tha amsek nafsy..
Mahma eshtakeet w etkalemt.. mafeesh 7ady 7ay7ellely mashakly.. w fi nafs el wa2t ana ma3ndeesh 7al 3'eer eny ahrab menha.. w sa3at 7atta mesh ba3raf..
El nas 7awalya kolohom mesta3'rabeen ana ba2eet 3amlla keda leeh.. mesh 3arfa a3melohom eih b sara7a.. hwa 3omrohom mashafo 7ad meday2..

W 2ady sho3'ly mesh 7akamelo w 7a2oom amshy delwa2ty.. fasalt w mesh 2adra 2akamel.. w da el 7al kol youm.. 2a3odly sa3teen kwayeseen w ba2y el wa2t ba3d el sa3at 3lshan amshy.. w ytkarar el scenario kol youm.. ana 7'alas te3bt

What do I do when I don’t feel well?! I open my blog and start writing..
It’s almost a week since my grandfather entered the hospital.. his status deteriorated, but thank God currently it’s stable..

Yesterday I went into the room to check on him.. I found tears in his eyes, he feels sorry for himself.. sa3ban 3aleeh nafso awy.. wana sa3ban 3alya awyy.. couldn’t endure to see him crying.. found myself crying as well..

On the other side, I’m having a horrible work load.. however, I’m not able to work properly at all. I’m expected to stay more and finish whatever I’ve got.. but seriously I can’t. I’m not able to concentrate and think properly.. I’m having a regular headache after working for a while.. I’m feeling pressured, and I can’t work while I’m having this feeling.. still, I know that I should by a way or the other finish what I’ve got this week.. at times I feel like I shouldn't do this to myself and I leave work, but I don't have enough courage to do this!

I just feel that everything around is going wrong.. and I can’t do anything about it.. the only thing is.. I’m feeling pressured.