A mix of feelings!

Sunday, December 17, 2006
I’m not sad.. and I’m not happy.. I’m having a mix of both at the same time.. It’s harder.. not knowing how am I feeling..

“Life goes on” That’s what I keep telling myself.. whatever is happening to me happened million of times before.. and life didn’t stop.. but, is that true?!

Why do I feel that there is a message from whatever is happening?! There is a lesson that I should learn.. but seems that I can not understand it.. seems that I lost my capability to learn..

Three in one month.. first it was my cousin’s twin babies who died before their delivery time by one month.. then it was my grandfather.. and couple of days ago it was my brother’s friend.. and who knows who is next!

I learnt the lesson.. I learnt that no one is far from it.. I learnt that it surprises you.. and I learnt that you can do nothing about it.

But I believe that there are more lessons to be learnt.. a lot between the lines.. but, what if I can no longer read between the lines?!

These are some of the thoughts that goes in my mind whenever I give myself the time to think.. however, if I didn’t exert that effort in trying to realize what’s going around, I just keep going..

I believe that I have that strange capability of “keep going”. Sometimes I even think that there is something wrong with me.. I can get occupied with life more than I should.. I can keep my mind busy with whatever it is, just to avoid thinking! As long as I’m not thinking, everything is going fine.. and you could see that cheerful side of me.. and I wonder, what is it that I should be doing?! Keep going, or stop and think?!

I feel tired.. tired of everything.. work, life, myself..

I need to find a meaning out of everything.. I hate that state of just going.. being led by the routine life.. I need to be in control.. but what if I can not lead myself, should I follow?!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:55 PM, |


if you think that you are far from God , why dont you try to get a bit closer ?
Moon, there is nothing stronger than death of loved ones in making you rethink everything.

keeping busy, well that's the answer most of us have to surviving pain. Hang on in there and hope you'll be feeling better soon :)
I agree with Alina death is te most powerful event in life and rethinking of all your life is a normal thing to do facing it.
It is just a reminder that no one is far from it, it could happen to anyone at any time and at any age, it is the logic we must live with.The fact that mooves along with our lives and we try to forget about it but life always has its way of showing it.
this is the message between the lines.
It don't need much to think about it in the contrary you will find that this logic drives you to live every minute in your life with enjoyment and will drive you not to think too much in anything and will drive you to be happy with what you have.
May be I talked too much but I hope I wasn't annoying.
Salateenoo, may be it is related to my relation with God, I gotta be working on it more..

Alina, thanks a lot.. I guess I'm better these days.. surviving and keeping myself busy..

Hechkok, you were never annoying.. Will be doing my best to enjoy whatever is left..