Grandpa, I love you..

Monday, December 11, 2006
It has been a week since my grandfather passed away.. up till this moment I can’t comprehend what happened.. I’m in a denial status.. I’ve always wondered how would I feel loosing someone close and dear to me.. never imagined the situation.. tried to prepare myself for such situation.. for losing close people.. but no preparations are sufficient..

First two days.. I’d say we all went with the flow.. we had other people thinking for us.. my mind didn’t have it’s time to understand what’s going on.. I got the news by phone, and my mind stopped working.. couldn’t not believe it.. though no one can escape it..

I kept crying and talking to myself out loud.. imaging that I’m talking to my grandfather.. I couldn’t remember exactly what was I saying.. but I couldn’t silence myself.. it was too hard for me to understand..

Went to my grandparents house.. found a lot of people.. some I know.. others I don’t.. couldn’t see except my mother.. I knew she could not bear it.. I knew how much she loved her father..

Followed that was the prayer and the burying.. and that was it.. he no longer belonged to our world.. he is somewhere else.. only God knows where is he..

Back to my grandparents house after the prayer.. couldn’t imagine that I’d enter that house and not find my grandfather there.. people kept coming and going.. they were all there to support us.. but I couldn’t see anyone.. I kept inside.. just trying to comprehend..

Second day was the 3aza.. people you never thought they’d come.. people supporting by every way they can.. thank you words are not enough.. still, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do.. I still can’t realize the whole situation..

Starting the fourth day I began to realize what’s happening.. to realize that he will no longer be here.. realize that I’ve missed one of the kind hearted people ever.. realize that things are not the same anymore.. our happy family days are over.. wished I’ve enjoyed them more before they are gone..

Memories kept flowing.. so did my tears.. remembered last time I saw him before he went into the intensive care.. he was sad because it has been some time since I last visited them.. remembered last time I saw him in the intensive care.. he kept holding my hand.. tears were in his eyes.. as if he felt that it was a matter of days.. he tried to talk.. but he had the ventilator in his mouth and couldn’t talk.. was not able to see him this way.. couldn’t hold my tears back and ran outside..

That was my last time to see him.. can’t delete that picture from my head.. never thought that it would be my last time.. every day I went to the hospital I wondered when would we stop that routine of staying all day long in the hospital doing nothing and we weren’t even beside him.. was always looking forward for the day when he will be transferred to a normal room.. never thought that would be the end.. the idea even didn’t cross my mind.. well.. it crossed my mind.. but couldn’t give myself the chance to think about it..

Was talking to my father and he told me that forgetting is a bliss.. but I replied, no one could forget my grandfather.. I don’t know am I too attached to him.. or it’s because he is the first close person to me who passes away..

Me: “Mama.. ana ba7ebek awy” (Mum, I love you soo much)
Mum: “Mat7ebeesh 7ad awy.. ana kont ba7eb babaya awyy” (Don’t love anyone soo much.. I used to love my father very much)

I don’t know why am I writing this post.. I even don’t know how could I sit and writ it.. but I just need to speak it out.. though I can’t speak it out verbally.. it is going in my mind.. and I need to get all these thoughts out..
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:07 PM, |

8 Comments:

  At 12/12/2006 06:43:00 AM Anonymous SAM2 said:
my deepest condolences, i truly fear this day with all my heart but I know that people live on through us, by being able to continue their good deeds, and emulate the behavior that draws us to them...may your grandfathers soul be immortal through yours...
la2 ya Moon, am sorry to say that, bas lazem te7ebi el nas awi, losing loved ones is amr rabena, bas you shouldn't let this stand in our way ya3ni, one day we will all be together. rabena yesabarko w yer7amo
Moon,
I know how hard it is, I really understand but always say ...
" إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون اللهم أجرني في مصيبتي وأخلف لي خيراً منها "
Besides the conversations that you said you were having as if he was there ... invest such time and invest the energy u consume in crying in praying so hard for him, at least this way u r making the place he went to better. ed3eelo rabena ye3'ferlo we ya3fo 3ano we yethabeto, yenawar laho fe kabro we yewase3 laho feeh.
Look I did that when my grand pa passed away and it really worked for me.
As Nesrina said, pray for him, this will help you overcome this hard time, and this is what REALLY helps you and him. I feel your every word as 2 of my grandparents passed away during the past few years, and I know the first agony of losing someone close to you, I couldn't comprehend what was happening. But life goes on, and every time I think about them, and I get the photo albums, I smile for the good times we had together, and pray. I do not agree with ur mother totally about not loving anyone. Though she has a point in saying that loving someone too much hurts. That's what we learn in life, how to balance ur emotions, but that's another issue....
Rabena yessabarek,
u know , i ve been thinkking all the time : what will happen and what would i feel if i lost my mother by death ? my mother the only peson i trust and love for the last 30 years which is my age !

only imagining the matter horrifies me , and i cant imagine how would i react or do when that will happen (coz its sure going to happen sooner or later) ..what aould i do ?? specially that iam the elder kid , who supposed to be the toughest one , and whol will be the helping hand and support for his sister and his brother!

but , when i lost my uncle "Khaly" .. who was close to me almost as much as mom , i began to realize it .

its so hard to take , but i start to look to death in another way , specially after i set with my uncle's Body the whole night to read some Quran beside him , every while i stop reading and look at him , many strange thoughts came to my mind , he is in fron of me , like sleeping , long sleeping that has no wake.

i never dare to come close to any dead body before , even when it was my grandmother , but the situation here is diffrent , i didnt feel and fear when i come close to him and even kiss him in his forhead..the last kiss.

i began to realize that this is the mere and whole truth in this life , ironically its death !

now , the only thing i, and you can do for them, is praying for them , and begging God to have mercy on their Souls.

my condolences.
So sorry to hear about your grandfather, Moon! You should simply cherish all the moments you had together and try to support your mother during this period. I am sure you can make eachother feel better.

It's good that you wrote this, it will help you through and you shoudl not blame yourself for trying to express what you feel.

Again, so sorry for your loss.
My best pryers for the departed soul.
Dear all,
I'm really thankful for your supportive words and prayers..