MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I'm back from the vacation.. have been to the North Coast for about 10 days, doing nothing but relaxing on the beach. Supposedly I should be relaxed by now, refreshed for going back to work, however, that's not the case.

Things didn't go the way I wanted it to be.. Moreover, I was interrupted by work calls, which spoilt the mood at all, plus I felt guilty for leaving work while there is stuff that's not working.

Besides, I was not able to stop that head of mine from having a flood of annoying thoughts. It's annoying cause I don't need them.. they are a lot.. interfering with each other.. they are just filling my head while they are not welcomed.

One way of solving this problem is write whatever is there in my mind.. but, as soon as I start, they run away, and I'm left with an empty head!

I really wonder why can't I make myself happy.. why am I that dull person all the time.. I had a vacation to enjoy, but instead, I kept blaming myself for taking that vacation, and wasn't able to enjoy it.. I'm back to work, and I'm expected to be full of energy to work, but it's the other way, I can't imagine I'll be back to work.. don't want to.

During the past ten days, I kept contemplating the idea of leaving work.. but I couldn't make a decision about it.. I've had enough or regrets, don't want to spoil my life anymore.. the majority of people around me, think I'll be crazy if I left.. but they only see it from their view, no one can see it from where I see it.. but still, I'm hesitant, I fear that I might be taking the wrong decision..

Sometimes I think, so what, no problem in taking wrong decisions, that's the way I'll learn.. but I go back and say, why risk my current job if people around think that's a wrong decision.

I feel that I'm having a wrong perception of how life should be.. I feel I'm still having a dreamy idea of life..

I sometimes think how would I be like 10 years from now.. how would my decisions now affect the rest of my life.. would I after 10 years regret my decisions now.. or would I regret not taking these decisions and following what people thought was good!

An endless dilemma that is depressing me.. I feel I could lead a better life.. but I'm passive about it.. or I'm afraid I'm wrong.. I'm just confused, don't know whether to trust that inner voice inside me.. or trust people around.. I fear that I'm just escaping a current situation which could be solved..

Still at work.. and I guess I'll be sitting here for other two hours! Nothing is getting to work.. and I'm having a vacation starting tomorrow, though, I can not leave without finishing this load of things I have.. When I found that nothing is working.. I just opened here to let out the negative energy, may be to help myself relax, and be able to think.. It's all about thinking out loud while I'm sitting here all by myself..

I've got no less than 3 tasks that I should have finished today.. and I finished nothing.. and I'm feeling tension as time pass by.. I'm not gonna cancel my vacation.. nor do I want to leave without my stuff not completed :(

I'm feeling too desperate now!

Sometime ago, I’ve decided that I’ll no more read newspapers, nor watch news on TV.. and I will not want to know what’s going on around me.. I’d love to try living in this world seeing it from that narrow view of mine, not interested in widening that view anymore..

Couple of days ago, I heard words about what’s happening to Lebanon.. didn’t get deep into the details, but was shocked to know what’s happening! I kept myself away from any source of news, but it came my way whether I needed it or not..

And I had the same questions I’ve always had.. why we can not stop what’s happening.. why would all these innocent people and children die?! Why this isn’t considered terrorism?!

I’m not into politics nor into deep details of what’s happening all around.. It’s only that my heart aches for all these innocent people!

I received that by e-mail, and found it veryyy true!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my lawn.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the lawn isn't watered,
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
I don't remember what I did with the car keys,
and my neighbor called to tell me he turned off the
hose that was flooding the driveway.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

You know that feeling of being depressed, tensioned, pressured, angry, sad, choked .. all the negative thoughts that you could ever think of.. I had them all..

Now I’m somehow better than I first entered home.. I was fuming.. and all in tears!

I know nothing deserves, but I just can’t be that cool person. I take everything on my nerves.. and this only leads me to be on the top of having a nervous breakdown!

I’ve never hated myself as I do now.. I just can’t stand me more than that.

So what happened for all that?! It's work!

No proper planning, miscommunication between the managers and their subordinates.. lack of proper business processes.. being under resourced.. etc..

Add to that, not being able to take your own decisions coz you have a boss who is supposed to set your priorities.. whether you see these priorities logical or not.. I feel I’m being over controlled, and I don’t like it.. I’m not the kind of a person who like saying everything I’m doing.. I just act from my mind!

It’s my manager who should support me.. but he is only being passive.. can’t fine someone to face all that with me..

I really don’t know what to do.. I feel like disappearing..