MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I'm back from the vacation.. have been to the North Coast for about 10 days, doing nothing but relaxing on the beach. Supposedly I should be relaxed by now, refreshed for going back to work, however, that's not the case.

Things didn't go the way I wanted it to be.. Moreover, I was interrupted by work calls, which spoilt the mood at all, plus I felt guilty for leaving work while there is stuff that's not working.

Besides, I was not able to stop that head of mine from having a flood of annoying thoughts. It's annoying cause I don't need them.. they are a lot.. interfering with each other.. they are just filling my head while they are not welcomed.

One way of solving this problem is write whatever is there in my mind.. but, as soon as I start, they run away, and I'm left with an empty head!

I really wonder why can't I make myself happy.. why am I that dull person all the time.. I had a vacation to enjoy, but instead, I kept blaming myself for taking that vacation, and wasn't able to enjoy it.. I'm back to work, and I'm expected to be full of energy to work, but it's the other way, I can't imagine I'll be back to work.. don't want to.

During the past ten days, I kept contemplating the idea of leaving work.. but I couldn't make a decision about it.. I've had enough or regrets, don't want to spoil my life anymore.. the majority of people around me, think I'll be crazy if I left.. but they only see it from their view, no one can see it from where I see it.. but still, I'm hesitant, I fear that I might be taking the wrong decision..

Sometimes I think, so what, no problem in taking wrong decisions, that's the way I'll learn.. but I go back and say, why risk my current job if people around think that's a wrong decision.

I feel that I'm having a wrong perception of how life should be.. I feel I'm still having a dreamy idea of life..

I sometimes think how would I be like 10 years from now.. how would my decisions now affect the rest of my life.. would I after 10 years regret my decisions now.. or would I regret not taking these decisions and following what people thought was good!

An endless dilemma that is depressing me.. I feel I could lead a better life.. but I'm passive about it.. or I'm afraid I'm wrong.. I'm just confused, don't know whether to trust that inner voice inside me.. or trust people around.. I fear that I'm just escaping a current situation which could be solved..