MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I'm bored!
I'm bored of myself..
I'm bored of my feelings..
I'm bored from everything around..

I'm tired of this repeating life..
I'm tired of chasing the unknown..
I'm tired of this life..

I wish I was a different person..
I wish I knew who I am..
I wish I was less selfish..
I wish I can get out of this endless loop..

Things are getting steady with mum.. hoping it will continue the same for the rest of the therapy.. I managed to regain my balance again.. I'm back on diet and to exercising.. I just went to the fitness center couple of times, and the interesting thing is I come out of there full on energy and feel happy..
It's been a long time since I had that happiness from inside.. it even reflected on everything.. and people around realized it!

However, I'm still feeling lonely.. I'm missing people.. interacting.. talking.. listening.. I started to feel that my relation with people is becoming fake.. the smile and go type.. at times I had a lot to talk about.. but I'm not sure why I'm still feeling that emptiness inside.. I have nothing to say..

My heart is giving me a hard time these days.. it's so distracted.. unable to take a decision.. not sure whether I should leave the decision for it or my mind should interfere.. actually, it interferes without me asking for it.. may be that's the problem.. if yes, so why can't I block that mind of mine for a while.. I need to feel free.. unchained of all the rules.. if only that was possible..

I'm feeling different these days.. actually for the last couple of months.. I've been feeling weird.. feel like I'm deteriorating.. feeling lonely.. feeling of no use..

Tried many times to analyze the state.. to know the reason(s) behind that deterioration.. at times I manage to put my hands.. other times I just can't know what is it..
This state isn't new for me.. have been through it a lot.. but it's been such a very long time since I was trapped in it..

I claim that I've changed.. I'm a totally different person now.. but suddenly I found myself back to my old self.. the lonely introvert one.. back then, I rarely used to have a conversation with people.. I had a lot inside me.. but never trusted anyone with it.. had doubts that anyone will understand..
The different thin now is; I even don't have anything inside.. I'm feeling empty.. empty brain, empty heart and empty soul!

It's the worst feeling ever.. even worse than being lonely.. that emptiness makes life doesn't worth living..

Things are changing on family side.. I should be of more support than I used to be.. I should support mum to get through her illness.. I should carry out everything at home.. I'm feeling weak.. thought of taking an unpaid vacation of work for a year, hoping that things would be fine with mum by then.. I know no one will support that idea of mine.. but I'm feeling confused and not sure what I should do.

A very pessimistic idea sometimes crosses my mind.. fearing that mum would leave me forever.. but all people around assures me that things are ok.. not sure whether I'm being overdramatic about it or not.. but I must admit, I'm afraid.

Fear! That's the key word to all the wrong decisions I've ever done. It's the reason behind not perusing any of my dreams..

I'm loaded.. I have too much to say.. I have too much to do.. and I have too much feelings.. I'm supposed to be in bed now.. it's already too late, specially that I have work tomorrow after that long weekend. Well, it's feeling horrible to be back to work, I'm just not in the mood for it at all!

So, Ramadan this year is different.. been hearing that from a lot of people.. but in addition for all what I've heard.. I do have my own reasons for this 'different' Ramadan.. unfortunately, it's not in a positive way..

This is our first Ramadan without my grandfather.. it really feels different.. I do miss him too much.. and I think that my mum and grandma do miss him more..

Mum is sick.. she went through an operation on the 4th of Ramadan, and since then she is staying at my grandma.. me, dad and my brother goes there everyday for iftar.. I stay there at weekends.. things are not steady.. we are all loaded.. we are trying to cope with things as much as we can.. however, I always break down after few days of having that load..

Sometimes I feel I'm the most loaded in my family.. I have my work (which includes enough load for me) .. I have the housework at home and I have to help my grandma.. this should be normal for anyone.. but I'm not used to it.. I'm not used to be obliged to carry out housework and family stuff..

Yes! It's the obligation that's tiring me.. feeling stressed coz I 'have' to do things.. at times I lose control over myself.. the result is always regretful.. but I just can't hold myself..

I do have my own personal issues that are bugging me already.. I have work issues.. can not tolerate any more..

Went yesterday for shopping for el eid stuff.. had the worst feelings ever.. shopping all by myself.. despite that, I did a good achievement and managed to get things I wanted that normally would take me a week of shopping.. I stopped at that fact and wondered, then I perform well when I'm alone, why was I so upset for it.. my conclusion was; I just don't feel easy about myself being alone.. I feel it's a bad thing about me.. but that's the truth.. I like being alone!

After three weeks, mum is back to home.. I was happy about this.. thought things will gradually go better.. but seems I was wrong. She isn't happy coming back to home.. since the moment she entered home, she kept pinpointing things that she doesn't like.. I know why she is doing this.. but at the same time I'm on the verge of exploding..