Loaded
Monday, October 08, 2007
I'm loaded.. I have too much to say.. I have too much to do.. and I have too much feelings.. I'm supposed to be in bed now.. it's already too late, specially that I have work tomorrow after that long weekend. Well, it's feeling horrible to be back to work, I'm just not in the mood for it at all!
So, Ramadan this year is different.. been hearing that from a lot of people.. but in addition for all what I've heard.. I do have my own reasons for this 'different' Ramadan.. unfortunately, it's not in a positive way..
This is our first Ramadan without my grandfather.. it really feels different.. I do miss him too much.. and I think that my mum and grandma do miss him more..
Mum is sick.. she went through an operation on the 4th of Ramadan, and since then she is staying at my grandma.. me, dad and my brother goes there everyday for iftar.. I stay there at weekends.. things are not steady.. we are all loaded.. we are trying to cope with things as much as we can.. however, I always break down after few days of having that load..
Sometimes I feel I'm the most loaded in my family.. I have my work (which includes enough load for me) .. I have the housework at home and I have to help my grandma.. this should be normal for anyone.. but I'm not used to it.. I'm not used to be obliged to carry out housework and family stuff..
Yes! It's the obligation that's tiring me.. feeling stressed coz I 'have' to do things.. at times I lose control over myself.. the result is always regretful.. but I just can't hold myself..
I do have my own personal issues that are bugging me already.. I have work issues.. can not tolerate any more..
Went yesterday for shopping for el eid stuff.. had the worst feelings ever.. shopping all by myself.. despite that, I did a good achievement and managed to get things I wanted that normally would take me a week of shopping.. I stopped at that fact and wondered, then I perform well when I'm alone, why was I so upset for it.. my conclusion was; I just don't feel easy about myself being alone.. I feel it's a bad thing about me.. but that's the truth.. I like being alone!
After three weeks, mum is back to home.. I was happy about this.. thought things will gradually go better.. but seems I was wrong. She isn't happy coming back to home.. since the moment she entered home, she kept pinpointing things that she doesn't like.. I know why she is doing this.. but at the same time I'm on the verge of exploding..
So, Ramadan this year is different.. been hearing that from a lot of people.. but in addition for all what I've heard.. I do have my own reasons for this 'different' Ramadan.. unfortunately, it's not in a positive way..
This is our first Ramadan without my grandfather.. it really feels different.. I do miss him too much.. and I think that my mum and grandma do miss him more..
Mum is sick.. she went through an operation on the 4th of Ramadan, and since then she is staying at my grandma.. me, dad and my brother goes there everyday for iftar.. I stay there at weekends.. things are not steady.. we are all loaded.. we are trying to cope with things as much as we can.. however, I always break down after few days of having that load..
Sometimes I feel I'm the most loaded in my family.. I have my work (which includes enough load for me) .. I have the housework at home and I have to help my grandma.. this should be normal for anyone.. but I'm not used to it.. I'm not used to be obliged to carry out housework and family stuff..
Yes! It's the obligation that's tiring me.. feeling stressed coz I 'have' to do things.. at times I lose control over myself.. the result is always regretful.. but I just can't hold myself..
I do have my own personal issues that are bugging me already.. I have work issues.. can not tolerate any more..
Went yesterday for shopping for el eid stuff.. had the worst feelings ever.. shopping all by myself.. despite that, I did a good achievement and managed to get things I wanted that normally would take me a week of shopping.. I stopped at that fact and wondered, then I perform well when I'm alone, why was I so upset for it.. my conclusion was; I just don't feel easy about myself being alone.. I feel it's a bad thing about me.. but that's the truth.. I like being alone!
After three weeks, mum is back to home.. I was happy about this.. thought things will gradually go better.. but seems I was wrong. She isn't happy coming back to home.. since the moment she entered home, she kept pinpointing things that she doesn't like.. I know why she is doing this.. but at the same time I'm on the verge of exploding..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:35 AM, | 
As the President of Iceland once said
"We do today what we can do today".
That is all we can do. Take it easy, email me if you wish.