Empty
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I'm feeling different these days.. actually for the last couple of months.. I've been feeling weird.. feel like I'm deteriorating.. feeling lonely.. feeling of no use..
Tried many times to analyze the state.. to know the reason(s) behind that deterioration.. at times I manage to put my hands.. other times I just can't know what is it..
This state isn't new for me.. have been through it a lot.. but it's been such a very long time since I was trapped in it..
I claim that I've changed.. I'm a totally different person now.. but suddenly I found myself back to my old self.. the lonely introvert one.. back then, I rarely used to have a conversation with people.. I had a lot inside me.. but never trusted anyone with it.. had doubts that anyone will understand..
The different thin now is; I even don't have anything inside.. I'm feeling empty.. empty brain, empty heart and empty soul!
It's the worst feeling ever.. even worse than being lonely.. that emptiness makes life doesn't worth living..
Things are changing on family side.. I should be of more support than I used to be.. I should support mum to get through her illness.. I should carry out everything at home.. I'm feeling weak.. thought of taking an unpaid vacation of work for a year, hoping that things would be fine with mum by then.. I know no one will support that idea of mine.. but I'm feeling confused and not sure what I should do.
A very pessimistic idea sometimes crosses my mind.. fearing that mum would leave me forever.. but all people around assures me that things are ok.. not sure whether I'm being overdramatic about it or not.. but I must admit, I'm afraid.
Fear! That's the key word to all the wrong decisions I've ever done. It's the reason behind not perusing any of my dreams..
Tried many times to analyze the state.. to know the reason(s) behind that deterioration.. at times I manage to put my hands.. other times I just can't know what is it..
This state isn't new for me.. have been through it a lot.. but it's been such a very long time since I was trapped in it..
I claim that I've changed.. I'm a totally different person now.. but suddenly I found myself back to my old self.. the lonely introvert one.. back then, I rarely used to have a conversation with people.. I had a lot inside me.. but never trusted anyone with it.. had doubts that anyone will understand..
The different thin now is; I even don't have anything inside.. I'm feeling empty.. empty brain, empty heart and empty soul!
It's the worst feeling ever.. even worse than being lonely.. that emptiness makes life doesn't worth living..
Things are changing on family side.. I should be of more support than I used to be.. I should support mum to get through her illness.. I should carry out everything at home.. I'm feeling weak.. thought of taking an unpaid vacation of work for a year, hoping that things would be fine with mum by then.. I know no one will support that idea of mine.. but I'm feeling confused and not sure what I should do.
A very pessimistic idea sometimes crosses my mind.. fearing that mum would leave me forever.. but all people around assures me that things are ok.. not sure whether I'm being overdramatic about it or not.. but I must admit, I'm afraid.
Fear! That's the key word to all the wrong decisions I've ever done. It's the reason behind not perusing any of my dreams..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:49 PM, | 
2 Comments:
Actually things are getting better with mum these days.. and I'm trying to manage both my career and taking care of her at the same time.. and I could say that things are going..
Thanks Alina :)
Thanks Alina :)
I hope you're mom will be feeling better soon. And an unpaid leave might not be the best idea, but did you think of working part time for a while? It could keep you connected to work and your career and also allow you to be closer to your mom.
All the best!