MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

Finally I'm on a vacation... AGAZA…
So.. after all this work pressure and worry.. I'm finally off.. two weeks to do whatever I want.. is it really whatever I want, or it's whatever my family wants?! Actually I don't mind.. I wonder why am I not interested in this vacation aslan..

Yes, I was totally tired, and reached that 'enough is enough' state.. however, I started to be that person who have nothing in life except her work.. so, when I'm off of work, I find myself left with nothing to do..

I'm traveling to the North Coast early tomorrow.. my parents are already there.. they even didn't wait for me!! and I'm stuck with this super jet again :(
Two to three days are more than enough for me there.. more than that it becomes boring.. especially if I don't have friends there.. I see it as a routine life.. all the days are the same.. and I don't have any kind of activities to do..

What if I stayed in Cairo?!.. well.. I've been here for one day all by myself and I'm turning crazy.. feeling lonely.. having no one to share anything with..

Did I do this to myself?!
Work became the only thing I'm living for.. the only thing I'm doing in my life.. lost interest in everything.. at a certain point of time I wanted this.. wanted to feel happy and satisfied at work.. feel that it's not ruining my life, and it's not taking me from other things I would have been doing..
I'm regretting it.. but still, there should be a balance between both.. work, and my life.. Am I capable of achieving that all by myself?!

I guess it's the loneliness that's doing that to me.. I'm starting to hate it.. I even don't find anyone to go have lunch with.. went through my mobile's contacts list, and found no one that I just could call and ask for having lunch together!!

I don't know why am I such a dull person.. I realized that 90 percent of the time I'm having negative feelings.. there should be something wrong with me then.. I need to feel happy, content, satisfied.. it's been such a long time since I had these feelings..

Was having the weekend off to the north coast.. well, that's the only vacation I'm capable of having these days.. nothing more than a weekend.. though I'm promised a long one after my colleague is back from his vacation..

Anyways, since I had to be back on Saturday night for work, and my family wanted to stay for a while, I had to go back to Cairo by bus (Super Jet)..

The least I can say is, it was a weird trip!
A trip that normally on worst cases takes 3 to 4 hours took me 6 hours!! I was about to jump out of the bus.. we started 5:30 P.M. and reached Cairo 11 P.M… if it was for this, I would have managed myself.. but thanks to that person who was sitting beside me!!

He started a conversation by asking what do I study, and I answered that I'm working.. he asked where am I working, and I told him the name of my company.. he asked in what field, and I told him IT.. he asked where am I graduated from, and I answered..
He kept asking about my college.. paused for a while, and asked is it a four years college, and I said yes!

Usually I don't like talking.. especially to strangers.. I'm not the kind of a person who would go chitchatting with people I don't know well.. imagine a complete stranger.. However, I tried to make it apparent from the way I'm answering and my voice tone, and tried to end up the conversation..

He stopped for a while.. then started asking again.. he asked "Do you know what ERP stands for?" I said yes I do.. and I wasn't planning to tell him, just to end the conversations.. then he asked about another abbreviation (it turned out it's the place where he works) but I said I don't know what it stands for.. then he told me what does it stands for, and I said that I've heard about it before..

He asked whether I'm interested to work there, fa I said I'm happy where I am.. fa he kept telling me the benefits of working at that place and how exposed I'll be etc..

Trying to make him stop, I said ok, you could give me the website or email and I'll be checking it out and will send my C.V.

He paused for a while, and said, no, I'll do a better thing.. I'll call the head of the IT sector and I'll let you talk to him.. I was really fed up at this point.. but I wasn't able to do anything except talk to that person over the phone.. he told me to take his email from his friend and send my C.V.

I hang up, and asked his friend for his email.. fa he said he doesn’t have it, and gave me his email instead and he will be forwarding my C.V..

Finally I managed to make him stop for a while.. but every now and then he starts a conversation! He asked about my age, whether I'm married or not, etc..

Forgot to say that in addition to this person beside me, there was two disturbing ladies in front of us.. the least to say is that they were lousy.. In addition to that movie for Mohamed Saad, Katkout.. made it a horrible 6 hours trip..

Back to that person beside me, he looks like a respectable guy.. lived about 25 years in the U.S. and that field he is offering me the job is exactly what I wanted.. actually I'm surprised coz early that morning I was talking about it with my father, telling him that my next career move will be in that direction!!

I'm not sure what should I do.. I'm just confused of how things went..
To be honest, I like how the job sounds like, but I don't like that person.. nor do I like that other one I talked to on the phone..

I still didn't make up my mind of whether I need to leave where I am, or it's not time yet?!
I'm thinking I send my C.V. and see how things will work.. may be they won't find me suitable.. however, I even don't want to take this step except after being sure that I need this job!

I'm such a weird person.. I have complete swings of moods.. happy, nervous, depressed, enthusiastic, laughing my heart out.. all can be present at the same time..

I'm currently having a hard time at work.. doing my best to distract my mind from thinking about it.. however, I can't.. it's completely getting into me.. it's even affecting me physically.. feeling tension in my body and was suffering a terrible headache all day..

So, whose mistake is it?! Did I contribute to what I'm suffering right now.. not sure.. I'm definitely mistaken, I should learn to say NO.. learn to state facts as they are, and not pressure myself to make things better than their current state.. but I can't.. I hardly can face people, I do my best to make things the best way I can.. the horrible thing is I'm a perfectionist.. however, I can't do things as perfect as I ask myself to do it..

But definitely I'm mistaken, I don't seek enough information to do a job.. I get the general idea, and I assume the details.. that's completely wrong.. but what can I do.. I depend on myself more than I should.. but I can't do otherwise.. I don't ask a lot, I just keep going with my assumption until proven wrong!

So, I'm reaping the fruit of my own mistakes?! Let me not be hard on myself.. I'm not the only mistaken here.. not sure how should I react.. I'm terribly sick of all what's going around me.. I'm not into that kind of high politics going around me.. I'm direct and straight to the point.. I don't have a hidden agenda.. but seems things don't go that way..

Is it too late to correct these mistakes?! Should I state all this to my boss?! Well, he is the first one who led to all this! Should I talk, or it's too late.. I'm trying to say I can't.. but I'm pushed.. and I can't say no..

I'm all alone in this.. all are getting out of the ship.. and I'm the only remaining..