MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

After having such a long nice vacation, it’s always hard to go back to work..

Yesterday was the first day after vacation. I didn’t do anything except staring at my computer screen. Trying to focus and get something done, but in vain. Was completely out of balance. Was not in the mood for work at all.. I was just living in the memories of the vacation.. Visualizing everything that happened, and smiling.

Was having a different feeling, was not in the mood for work, but still was having inner peace.. was a little bit active than usual, but was very calm inside..

By the time I went home, I started to get a little bit anxious for not achieving anything at work, and feeling that I’m back to that dull routine life.. I hardly woke up today, didn’t want to go to work at all, as if I’m a kid going to school.. bas I couldn’t take it off.. went there, hoping I’d achieve anything, but it went the same as yesterday.. just staring at my computer..

The bad thing is, I’m loosing my inner peace.. feeling irritated by whatever is going around.. and may be I’m getting irritated by what’s going inside and I’m trying to turn my back to...

Anyways, I just needed to speak out what I’m feeling..

Will be posting soon about my eid trip which I enjoyed more than expected..

I looked at today’s date, and checked my last’s post date.. was surprised to find out that’s almost 20 days.. It’s been a long time through which I tried venting off my feelings.. but whenever I sit and start writing, I don’t find anything to say.. confused and unbalanced thoughts which makes it difficult for me to express. However, I missed expressing.

Was having kind of a small challenge at work, it was putting me under pressure for a while, but thank God it went almost fine.

Feeling internally unbalanced and confused, having many issues that I need to resolve to be able to properly communicate with other people. Unfortunately, I reach nowhere whenever I try to work on this internal confusion.

Being unable to communicate in addition to my introvert self, made me left alone with my internal thoughts, something that I don’t usually like. I just keep going in endless loops, questioning and wondering without reaching anything!

I’m not having the whole week of eid as vacation, only first and second days, but I was very much in need to take the rest of the week of. That was mainly to; try relaxing a bit, spend some time with my mum, and prepare for my eid trip.

Don’t know why I’m not very enthusiastic about the trip this time.. about a week ago I was very much into it, but this enthusiasm is going down bit by bit. May be because I’m not in the mood of socializing. Well, most of the time I’m in this mood, nothing new about it. May be because I wanted to spend some time at home?! But I’m sure if I did, I’ll be bored easily, and won’t enjoy it.

As usual, I don’t know exactly what I want, I need to get everything, and that results in me not enjoying anything. A boring and a dull person as usual! Seems that I’m not feeling good towards myself these days!

One more thing, I miss being a child who can’t pass the 15th of Ramadan without getting her new Eid clothes, shoes and bag. I miss it. I remember how I used to wait for the eid to wear my new stuff.. wake up at the early morning.. go for the prayers with my aunt and cousin.. play with the balloons.. pass by my relatives for the 3eedya..

Currently, the only thing I’m thinking about is, how many days will I take off.. and how am I gonna invest them the best way possible.. no eid clothes, actually I have the intension, but almost all shops have their winter collection, which will not by anyway match the current weather..

Still, looking forward for a happy eid with whatever I’ve got to make myself happy.. and wish you all a happy and joyful eid.

Woke up this morning having a headache.. well, I expected it, since I only slept for three hours. Tried to put myself to sleep from about 1 a.m till it was 4 a.m .. but all my efforts were in vain.. my mind was too busy to be switched off.

Though I was tired, but I was happy. It has been some time since I last found myself lost within my dreams, it fills me with hope and takes me to another world were everything is possible.

Dreaming is one thing that makes me feel I’m alive. I hate it when I stop dreaming and find myself drowning in that every day routine life.. nothing that I’m waiting for, nothing that I’m working to achieve.

I guess that I used to dream a lot when I was a student, was always anticipating what’s coming next.. visualizing my life.. thinking that everything is possible, and the only thing I had to do was graduate, and things will work out for me.

I think that since I graduated, almost these dreams vanished, they visited me every now and then, but I wasn’t enthusiastic about them as I used to be, and that was one thing that I didn’t like.

Yesterday, I was back to dreaming again.. don’t know what was it that stimulated me to live through my imagination. I went to bed, and found ideas floating all over my mind.. best thing is that I visualize everything, as if I’m living through it and seeing everything.

It was nothing new, it’s the same dream that I’ve always had, having my own small project for handmade crafts. However, yesterday, the dream extended a little bit, the addition was that I went to have fashion design courses, and my tutors encouraged me to start that project of mine, and I did. I kept visualizing everything, the place, the people, the work, the marketing plan.. and since this is a dream, I visualized it’s success, and felt that I might make a success story out of this little thing..

At times I imagine myself talking to my children, and my be my grand sons and daughters, and wonder what would I like to tell them. Would I like it if my story through life was a normal one?! A story of a girl who graduated, worked in a good place and then was driven by the day to day life.. or would I prefer telling them and small success story?! That of a girl who left everything and went chasing her dreams.. she stumbled and failed, and stumbled and failed, but she persisted that she will never give up her only dream.. as small as it might be, but may be that was the thing that would bring her happiness.