MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

Sa3at keteer ba7es eny ba2eet mesh 3arfa nafsy.. wala fahmany.. ana 3ayza eih, w ba7eb eih, w bakrah eih, eih elly bybstny w eih elly byza3lny.. hal ana open minded, wala zayy ma by2olo da2a 2adeema.. ya tara el nas shayfany zay ma ana shayfa nafsy.. wala hwa el 3aks.. ana bashoof nafsy zay ma el nas btshofny.. tab maho ana mesh bawary el nas kol 7aga gowaya.. l daraget eny ana kaman mab2tsh 3arfa hwa fi eih gwa..

te3bt min kotr el laf w el dawaran.. atkalem walla a7'aby.. ab2a sare7a wala keda barmy dabsh.. askot y2olo 3alya sousa.. ba7areb b kol takty el overlap elly by7sal ma bein my real life.. and my cyberspace one.. I don't want this overlap.. Here, I'm the nearest possible to my real self.. I just don't want to lose track of me.. to forget about who I am.. lel asaf, the overlap is happening.. still under contro, bas I'm not happy about it..

Sa3at bab2a 3ayza el nas kolaha t2ra what I've written through the six years of having this blog.. w sa3at tanya 2a2ool maynfa3sh abadan.. w yemken di tkoon moshklty.. ana sa3b 3alya 2awy eny asare7 el nas b how I think about them or how I think about certain situations.. may be 3lshan mesh ba3raf 2a2ool el kalm 3'ier direct.. w da akeed byday2 el nas..

mesh 3arfa.. 7assa eny ba2eet wasla l mar7ala min enfsam el sha7'seya l dargt eny mab2tsh 3arfa ana mein..

One of the most difficult things to do is to pretend that you are fine while you are not.. To pretend that you are happy while you are angry..

I come back to you my dear blog whenever I feel I can no longer connect to this world I'm living in.. the more days pass.. the more I'm certain about not belonging here.. It's not about finding people to listen to you, it is not about me talking, and it's not about others understanding.. it is about me.. Connecting with this deep deep voice inside of me.. This controlling voice inside of me..

I'm fed up.. from the world.. from people.. and on top of them, from myself..  I have this thing inside, I don't know what it is.. but it's there.. maybe it is a childhood problem.. maybe it is the way I was raised.. maybe it is the diverse family I belong to.. I simply don't know.. I gave up on even wanting to know..

I'm living this life without needing a single thing.. Without even dreaming of something.. I go shopping, and I don't feel like buying anything.. Actually I've been having some occasions the past weeks, and I had to go shop and buy something.. I was hating myself.. I seriously felt that I'm torturing myself doing this.. I don't feel the joy of it anymore.. In addition, I became totally indecisive.. I remember sometime ago, I used to just enter a shop, find something I like, and simply buy it.. I can no longer do this.. I keep going round and round.. not being able to take the decision to buy.. I hate it..

It is not about shopping with someone, I used to shop all by myself.. I even enjoy it more.. but I just can't do it any longer..

What else? Travelling? I used to enjoy it.. Nowadays I just travel hoping and wishing I'll get refreshed.. I might be doing something different.. but unfortunately.. It no longer works..  Outings? Same places.. Same people.. Same stories.. Nothing new..

Work? Boring more than ever.. I just go, count the hours for the day to finish.. Even if I have work.. I keep procrastinating till end of day.. and the next day I totally forget about what I had to do.. my performance curve is going really dowwwwwn..

TV? That's definitely not a good option these days at all.. People blabbering on all channels.. Movies? Don't have the patience to watch any.. Concerts & events? No enthusiasm anymore..

I'm tired.. I'm about to fall down.. and I seriously don't need people's help.. It should come from within.. Since I'm not able to express what in there, no one will ever know it.. It is more complicated than I myself can comprehend and handle.. I even asked for a professional help once, but it didn't work out..

As my manager once told me.. I need to detach from this whole world.. to travel to a far far place.. to know new people.. to start a completely new life from scratch.. Maybe this will work out.. and most probably it won't..