Thursday, May 12, 2011

I come back to you my dear blog whenever I feel I can no longer connect to this world I'm living in.. the more days pass.. the more I'm certain about not belonging here.. It's not about finding people to listen to you, it is not about me talking, and it's not about others understanding.. it is about me.. Connecting with this deep deep voice inside of me.. This controlling voice inside of me..

I'm fed up.. from the world.. from people.. and on top of them, from myself..  I have this thing inside, I don't know what it is.. but it's there.. maybe it is a childhood problem.. maybe it is the way I was raised.. maybe it is the diverse family I belong to.. I simply don't know.. I gave up on even wanting to know..

I'm living this life without needing a single thing.. Without even dreaming of something.. I go shopping, and I don't feel like buying anything.. Actually I've been having some occasions the past weeks, and I had to go shop and buy something.. I was hating myself.. I seriously felt that I'm torturing myself doing this.. I don't feel the joy of it anymore.. In addition, I became totally indecisive.. I remember sometime ago, I used to just enter a shop, find something I like, and simply buy it.. I can no longer do this.. I keep going round and round.. not being able to take the decision to buy.. I hate it..

It is not about shopping with someone, I used to shop all by myself.. I even enjoy it more.. but I just can't do it any longer..

What else? Travelling? I used to enjoy it.. Nowadays I just travel hoping and wishing I'll get refreshed.. I might be doing something different.. but unfortunately.. It no longer works..  Outings? Same places.. Same people.. Same stories.. Nothing new..

Work? Boring more than ever.. I just go, count the hours for the day to finish.. Even if I have work.. I keep procrastinating till end of day.. and the next day I totally forget about what I had to do.. my performance curve is going really dowwwwwn..

TV? That's definitely not a good option these days at all.. People blabbering on all channels.. Movies? Don't have the patience to watch any.. Concerts & events? No enthusiasm anymore..

I'm tired.. I'm about to fall down.. and I seriously don't need people's help.. It should come from within.. Since I'm not able to express what in there, no one will ever know it.. It is more complicated than I myself can comprehend and handle.. I even asked for a professional help once, but it didn't work out..

As my manager once told me.. I need to detach from this whole world.. to travel to a far far place.. to know new people.. to start a completely new life from scratch.. Maybe this will work out.. and most probably it won't..

posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:58 AM, |