MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I wonder why whenever I feel that the gap is decreasing I just run away!

So.. here I am at work, since the early morning doing nothing!
I'm not able to concentrate at all.. there is a thing that is distracting me.. however, I'm incapable of putting my hands on it.. tried every possible way to distract myself and get myself to do something.. but nothing worked.. still I have this thing going in my head without being able to put my hands on it.!

My productivity this week is zero! My manager is out of office and there is nothing urgent to do.. fa I'm kinda lazy..

I need to settle down.. know what I want and work for getting it.. instead of living life without a specified goal.. I'm just living day by day.. I'm getting bored easily to a very strange extent..

I can't stand doing the same thing for more than couple of minutes.. even if I'm listening to something that I like, and I'm enjoying it.. I just find myself skipping to the next track!!

Tried to do new things and activities.. but all didn't work.. even the art classes.. it seemed boring for me..

Even going to the cinema.. I think I'll lose interest in the movie from the first quarter of an hour.. and I'll leave..

The only thing that I'm doing is eating.. and not any kind.. it's sweets & chocolate..

At times I feel that I need to talk.. but I just can't find anything to say.. because there is nothing.. nothing is happening.. nothing to talk about..

In a trial to get myself out of this boredom state I'm in I'll be starting my art classes next Tuesday.. I'm very enthusiastic about it.. wishing things will turn out as interesting as I'm wishing..

Am I different from whom I think I am?! How do people see me?! Is their perception of me the same as I have for myself?! If yes, do we – me and others – know the real me?!

Been always searching for myself.. my potentials.. my weakness.. trying hard to get a real knowledge of whoI am.. it's been always a difficult mission to accomplish..

I have different characters at the same time.. I'm a flexible person to an extent that's not healthy, I believe.. at times I feel that I have no reference point to refer to and check what should I do in such a situation.. I'm affected by the surrounding.. but is that true?! or do I have that very basic rules that I never give up on.. and I'm flexible with that non basic rules.. I don't kow..

I have many faces.. it's not because that I'm hiding things from others.. but I just find myself colored by the surrounding.. I see how do these people would want me to be and I just unwillingly get colored.. however, I always find it difficult to mingle with people I don't share a common interest with..

Should I keep searching for myself.. or should I just live the day.. be whoever I am at the moment and never think of who I'll be tomorrow..

I sometimes like a person very much to an extent that I find myself wanting to be a copy of him/her.. I wanted to be like a lot of other people, except myself!

"MoonLightShadow" is not only a nickname for me.. it resembles one of the many selves I have.. at times I think that may be that's the most true self.. may be because there is no surrounding effects.. but the thing is, I feel that "Moon" is different from the every day person I am at work and at home..

"Moon" is one of my secrets.. don't ask me why.. I don't know.. very few of the people who I know in real life know about her.. at times I just feel that I'm protecting that fragile part of me.. fearing that I might be hurt.. fearing that others won't like that real self of me.. or may be I'm keeping it a secret to be as much honest with myself as I can..

About a week ago I was debating with myself the idea of letting a colleague at work know about that little secret of mine.. I wanted to give him the link for my blog and ask him to read through.. at a certain moment I was gonna do it.. but I held myself back.. I feared something.. not sure what was it!