MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

Not knowing what exactly you want is really irritating.. one day you feel you need this thing, the other day you feel you don't.. flexibility should have it's limits.. a person shouldn't be flexible about everything.. actually I'm not.. however, I seem to be so..

But again, I'm not flexible, and at the same time I don't know what do I want.. I'm really such a confusing person.. I can't please myself, and I make it hard for others to please me as well.. at the same time, it's very small simple things that makes me fly with happiness.. I'm really a weird person..

Lately I've been under a pressure to define what is it that I want in my life partner.. believe it or not, I've never had clear specifications for that.. yes, I do have minimum requirements, but I can't list it down in a list.. why can't people understand this?!

Why do I feel that I think about it in a completely different way than others do? am I right, or are they? or it's neither of us?!

I'm tired of thinking about it.. as much as I'm a too much of "accepting person" I sometimes can't tolerate people.. and the strange things is; most of the time I don't tolerate those I thought I like! Strange, yes I know, but that's me.. a continuously repeating scenario.. why does it always happen that way?

It's like needing something very much, but you can't afford it.. yes, I can't afford what it costs to have someone in my life.. I can't share, take care of someone, I can't give as I take.. I'm not able to compromise..

The question here, so, what is it that I'm gonna do?! live the rest of my life feeling afraid of letting someone get near.. not opening up to people, feeling that no one understands me.. there should be a way out of all this.. else I'm gonna go crazy..

Which is better.. to let things go without interfering, or to interfere and make things clear?! I'm bored of thinking about it.. afraid to take a wrong decision.. a decision that I might regret afterwards.. generally, I'm not a person who regrets.. however, it sometimes happens..

What is it that I'm afraid of? May be I'd hurt someone.. or may be I'd lose someone, and then will discover how stupid I was.. and if I didn't end it, I might be taking a wrong decision..

It's really confusing.. but boring.. that neutral state is really boring.. sometimes I don't see it working at all.. we are different.. he is not the one.. but other times I think "may be I won't find the one"

May be I enjoy the feeling.. but not the person.. though, I'm hating to let someone get closer.. it's really irritating me..

Started to doubt that there is something wrong in me.. I might be having issues.. I'm afraid, escaping, protecting, stubborn, contradicting…

Weird enough, I even don't feel like talking about it..