MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

Came back from Izmir for about three weeks, I know I promised I’ll be writing about the visit and posting some pictures.. but I’m not in the mood for it right now.. but I’ll do sometime..

I’ve been going through a long wave of feeling down.. I go home everyday crying.. feeling suffocated, feeling I’m trapped in an endless loop with no way out.. I’ve had enough.. I can no longer tolerate anything.. I know the coming few months I’ll have double the work load I’m having right now, and I can’t imagine.. don’t know what I’m gonna do.. I’ll never let work interfere with my personal life and consume my time.. However, I know I won’t be able to do anything about it.. this fact is suffocating me.. I know I worry about things before they happen and that’s not a good thing.. I don’t want work to ruin my life.. the worst thing is, I feel I’m ruining my life by myself.. I’m only complaining, and I’m not taking any corrective actions towards these complaints.. I just repeat myself every now and then.. and then surrender to the endless loop..

I had my appraisal today.. it’s my first one ever.. felt a little bit worried about it.. didn’t know how things should go, what is it that I should prepare.. how should I react, what should I say.. kept wondering for a while..it went fine.. nothing more or less than my expectations.. however, still there was the hinting that the coming period will be a tough one, and we have to do our best to get everything done by the deadline..

Well, this hinting annoyed me a lot.. felt like I’m obliged to do things I don’t feel like doing.. and I don’t like this.. but what could I say.. just smiled, but he should have understood what’s behind that smile!!

Been having a lot going through my mind the past weeks.. nothing specific.. but just trying to reconsider how I’m leading my life.. where am I heading.. am I satisfied, and if not, what am I doing about it.. a lot of questions, with no answers..

My diet is not going very well.. went to the doctor yesterday, I discovered that I gained half a kilo instead of loosing.. was very depressed.. started to lose my enthusiasm about it.. but still I'm fighting against myself to complete..

N (an old school friend) called.. I answered because I didn’t know it was her.. if I knew, I wouldn’t have answered.. was not in the mood for receiving any kind of ta2neeb dameer for not calling and asking.. well, there must be a message behind this.. the point is, she never gets the message!

I discovered.. no it’s not that I discovered, but I just paid attention to one fact about myself.. I’m a such a horrible haphazard person.. well, I guess I need a separate post to describe that discovery of mine..

I finally started my daily readings again (thanks to the book fair).. though, I didn’t like the book I’m through these days.. but still I enjoy that hour I managed to extract from myself for reading..

I’m having these days and anti social attitude.. don’t feel like socializing, talking, listening.. may be I feel like talking.. but just talking.. at times I feel like I need to talk talk talk and do nothing else.. don’t know whether I’d seek feed back or not.. but I just feel like wanting to be understood, and helped to help myself (difficult, isn’t it)..

Change, I’ve always wondered whether I’m and pro or anti change.. I wait and anticipate any kind of change to come.. I feel extremely happy for knowing of a any small change that’s happening.. however, I worry, I don’t feel comfortable when I’m outside my place.. may daily routine.. Strange!!

I want to go to Cairo ICT.. don’t imagine I won’t be going this year.. last day is tomorrow, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it.. well, I don’t have a specific urge behind going.. but it’s just one of my yearly routine things that I have to do.. not sure what will I do about it..

I'm feeling bad about myself because I'm having a hidden feeling that I'm causing someone pain.. not sure I'm contributing to what he is going through right now, but I feel I am!

Umm.. I kinda emptied some of the things I was having in mind.. I hope that would contribute to lifting up the mood a little bit..