The past few weeks..

Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Seems it’s only bad mood that urges me to write in my blog.. It has been sometime, through which I felt like writing, but I just couldn’t find the time.. and whenever I do, I don’t feel like writing..

Came back from Izmir for about three weeks, I know I promised I’ll be writing about the visit and posting some pictures.. but I’m not in the mood for it right now.. but I’ll do sometime..

I’ve been going through a long wave of feeling down.. I go home everyday crying.. feeling suffocated, feeling I’m trapped in an endless loop with no way out.. I’ve had enough.. I can no longer tolerate anything.. I know the coming few months I’ll have double the work load I’m having right now, and I can’t imagine.. don’t know what I’m gonna do.. I’ll never let work interfere with my personal life and consume my time.. However, I know I won’t be able to do anything about it.. this fact is suffocating me.. I know I worry about things before they happen and that’s not a good thing.. I don’t want work to ruin my life.. the worst thing is, I feel I’m ruining my life by myself.. I’m only complaining, and I’m not taking any corrective actions towards these complaints.. I just repeat myself every now and then.. and then surrender to the endless loop..

I had my appraisal today.. it’s my first one ever.. felt a little bit worried about it.. didn’t know how things should go, what is it that I should prepare.. how should I react, what should I say.. kept wondering for a went fine.. nothing more or less than my expectations.. however, still there was the hinting that the coming period will be a tough one, and we have to do our best to get everything done by the deadline..

Well, this hinting annoyed me a lot.. felt like I’m obliged to do things I don’t feel like doing.. and I don’t like this.. but what could I say.. just smiled, but he should have understood what’s behind that smile!!

Been having a lot going through my mind the past weeks.. nothing specific.. but just trying to reconsider how I’m leading my life.. where am I heading.. am I satisfied, and if not, what am I doing about it.. a lot of questions, with no answers..

My diet is not going very well.. went to the doctor yesterday, I discovered that I gained half a kilo instead of loosing.. was very depressed.. started to lose my enthusiasm about it.. but still I'm fighting against myself to complete..

N (an old school friend) called.. I answered because I didn’t know it was her.. if I knew, I wouldn’t have answered.. was not in the mood for receiving any kind of ta2neeb dameer for not calling and asking.. well, there must be a message behind this.. the point is, she never gets the message!

I discovered.. no it’s not that I discovered, but I just paid attention to one fact about myself.. I’m a such a horrible haphazard person.. well, I guess I need a separate post to describe that discovery of mine..

I finally started my daily readings again (thanks to the book fair).. though, I didn’t like the book I’m through these days.. but still I enjoy that hour I managed to extract from myself for reading..

I’m having these days and anti social attitude.. don’t feel like socializing, talking, listening.. may be I feel like talking.. but just talking.. at times I feel like I need to talk talk talk and do nothing else.. don’t know whether I’d seek feed back or not.. but I just feel like wanting to be understood, and helped to help myself (difficult, isn’t it)..

Change, I’ve always wondered whether I’m and pro or anti change.. I wait and anticipate any kind of change to come.. I feel extremely happy for knowing of a any small change that’s happening.. however, I worry, I don’t feel comfortable when I’m outside my place.. may daily routine.. Strange!!

I want to go to Cairo ICT.. don’t imagine I won’t be going this year.. last day is tomorrow, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it.. well, I don’t have a specific urge behind going.. but it’s just one of my yearly routine things that I have to do.. not sure what will I do about it..

I'm feeling bad about myself because I'm having a hidden feeling that I'm causing someone pain.. not sure I'm contributing to what he is going through right now, but I feel I am!

Umm.. I kinda emptied some of the things I was having in mind.. I hope that would contribute to lifting up the mood a little bit..

posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:24 PM, |


Moon, so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. But periods like these are common to all of us, times when we stop to think and rethink everything, when we analyze and compare. I know you will go through this stage just fine. And for socializing, when you will have made peace with yourself, the need to be around people and share will come back.

if you still need to simply talk to someone, feel free to drop me an email. I will give you only the feedback that you are comfortable with :)
Alina, I'm really thankful.. I always love your supportive positive comments.. Thank You..
You're welcome, Moon! Anytime. :)