MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I caught myself couple of days ago saying this out loud "I want to be successful".. but the automatic sound in my head spontaneously replied, successful in what?! what is it that you are trying to do and wanting to be successful in?! and I was surprised..  I'm not doing anything! I'm not even giving myself the possibility of 50% success.. I have to start first then wonder if I'll succeed or not.. and at the moment I took a decision.. I'll start.. I'll start anything.. I will just start just to stop this over thinking process that I always get trapped in.. yes, deep down I feel that whatever I decided to start is nothing new, and nothing creative, etc.. but I will just start.. that is the statement that I need to keep reminding myself with so that I won't give up on even trying..

I'll start doing something from home.. On Sunday I went to check supplies' prices to complete my pricing homework.. and today I'm working on the items, costing and pricing.. 

How would you feel if your father came to you and said "I'm sorry, I did a lot of mistakes in the past that affected you, and I decided to change"?!! I was like "WHAT?!!!!" don't you think it is tooo late?! definitely that wasn't what I told him.. but that was how I felt.. and this same idea that has always made me feel afraid of having children.. I am still discovering the truth about this life.. I'm still discovering myself, I'm not sure still up to this age what is right and what is wrong.. how on earth can I raise up a child?!! how would they feel if after 30 years I came to them and said "sorry, just shift delete all the previous and let's start again" can you imagine how difficult this is?! can you imagine that I'm requested to just think differently simply because now he is thinking that he was wrong! Too late, I'm already messed up, and no need to mess me more..

I must admit, part of me was relieved, because simply that's how I felt all the way, you are wrong, but out of respect, you just can't bluntly say it.. and out of my hands these wrong ideas where deeply rooted inside of me.. I felt that the past 30 years ran in front of my eyes, wondering how happy we would have been if he just realized this earlier! When I get into this deep cycle of regret I just remember one thing, this life is all about a beginning and an end.. 

Dear Blog,
I'm doing everything I thought I'll never do! Things are happening in a way that I never wanted or imagined, and I'm just going with the flow.. I'm hating it, it made me cry, but I'm just going with it.. why is that?! literally not a single thing that I wished for is happening the way I wanted.. is it too much to ask for?! Deep down I'm confused in a panic state, afraid of everything, and not happy.. it is not supposed to feel this way, does it?! why am I doing it then?! why am I letting people control my life again?! am I afraid of them telling me "we told you so" what if it is me that will tell them "I hate to say I told you so?" why is it always that I'm not confident in my judgement? am I afraid of being wrong? definitely! and if I turned to be wrong they will all point fingers at me as say I was wrong.. all my life I've hated decisions.. as much as I could I ran away from them.. not a very smart way to live life.. but safer.. less dramatic.. I just wish for a peaceful happy life, something you can not get in this world!