Wednesday, December 24, 2014
I remember my first day at school here in Egypt, actually I felt like an alien! I felt different, back then I didn't analyze it or even care to work on it, I was just a little kid.. Days went by, but the feeling remained.. this feeling of being strange and distant from people around me.. most of the time I used to sit in that back corner desk, and if I managed, I used to have it all alone.. in the break, most of the time I was alone eating my sandwiches which I used to have in a plastic box while all other children used to have it in a normal plastic bag!
By time I managed to develop some friendships.. but not much.. I always kept my distance, very few who managed to cross this line and get closer to me.. and I really made it hard for them.. when I approached my teen years I started to feel there is something wrong, I'm not a normal person, and I felt I needed a professional help, but definitely this idea never crossed the borders of my mind.. back then I used to be the silent observer in conversations although I had a lot to say and share.. and that was the time when I developed this diary writing habit.. It was the only way for me to express whatever thoughts I had in mind and wasn't able to express in talking..
Back then I thought to myself that when I grow older things won't be the same and I'll be able to be a different person.. but I was wrong, totally wrong.. here I am starting my 4th decade in life and I still have all the inner complications and fears.. still feeling like an alien, still hold myself from expressing myself in talking, but the new developed thing is; actually I barely have anything to say..
I've always felt like hiding the real me, hide my opinions, always be neutral, try to compromise in all situations.. and by time I guess I forgot who I was, or even, I feel I grew only on the outside, but internally I'm still that kid.. it vanished by time.. so when I try to remove the dust and discover who the real me is, I don't find anything.. I only find emptiness, distraction, fear, and suppressed feelings!