MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

For many years of my life, I've been watching life from behind a window.. that used to be my only role in this life.. a marginalized person, who barely can be noticed by anyone.. but I was a curious watcher.. I loved it.. and back then, I thought that to be able to take a role in this life, I have to see first how is it going, to study it first, know the rules, and then I can participate..

I barely shared in anything.. I've had times in which I might be in the middle of a very interesting conversation, and I've got a lot to say, but I've never did.. I've never allowed my thoughts to cross that border of my mind and be expressed in any form.. it was recently that I've started releasing these thoughts in the form of writing.. it was a relief for me.. just expressing, and letting all what's inside go out made me happy..

Days went by, and I decided to change.. decided that it's time to take a role in this life, and enough with the watching.. sometimes I feel the decision was too late.. other times I feel I was better off watching.. and other times I think it worth the fighting..

I've started fighting.. showing that I exist.. I succeeded.. I was happy about it.. I thought that life is beautiful.. I thought it was easy to play the game.. but unfortunately, it didn't last for long.. I started doubting this happiness.. felt it was fake.. felt that I'm just fooling myself.. I don't have the tools to play the game right.. and I can't play it my way..

I've had a sudden drop down.. I ran to my shell again.. felt it's the safest and the best place to be.. but again, it's suffocating me.. I can't find enough air to breath in there.. after playing a role in life, it's hard to go back to be a watcher.. confused.. bored.. tired.. feel I can no longer stand it.. as if I'm an alien from some other place.. I can't cope in here.. unfortunately I'm different.. and that uniqueness is causing me nothing but inability to live this life..