MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

As much as I wanted to sit down write my new year’s resolutions as much as I’ve been escaping doing this.. may be because I know they are just some words and sentences written down.. and I’ll keep carrying them forward from one year to the other.. may be I don’t want to remind myself that I keep postponing things, and I’m not able to take control over my life and do whatever I want.. or may be because I no longer have wishes?! I don’t know what I want.. I even sometimes don’t know how am I feeling.. am I happy, sad, bored, exited? I might have all the same feelings at the same time.. conflicting..

But again, I feel like I need to write down.. I locked myself today at home.. stopped any kind of external communication, trying to focus.. I need to have a new beginning.. I won’t care now whether I’ll be able to do this or not.. but I need to give myself hope.. 2010 has been such a tough year for me.. but it was full of hard lessons to learn.. and may be the toughest lesson I learnt was “letting go”..

I need to clean the mess 2010 left inside of me to have a new beginning with 2011.. I need to get over whatever negative feelings I’m having.. I have to stop crying over things I can’t do anything about.. I have to learn that this is life, it is tough, it takes away dear people to us.. but we have to be strong enough.. to stand up and face this tough life.. to make the best out of it.. we are gonna live it once.. and the only fact about this life is death.. it is no surprise, and it happens one day or the other.. we just have to accept it.. and move on.. and as it takes away dear people.. it introduces new people into our lives..

I have to forgive and forget.. I have to capitalize on my good deeds, if people say I’m “tayeba” I shouldn’t take this as a negative thing and perceive it as naïve, on the contrary, I should perceive it as kind hearted.. I shouldn’t be aggressive trying to cover up for this kind heart inside.. I’m trying to protect this genuine heart inside by being tough, but that’s making me loose more people without any reason..

As I learnt how to let go of people, I need to learn how to let go of my ego.. since it’s the reason behind many actions which I don’t feel like doing.. but I just do to fulfill this ego..

I have to acknowledge beauty around.. I have to stop in front anything beautiful and enjoy.. a beautiful flower, a baby’s smile, a free bird…

I have to stop being driven by people’s thoughts.. I have to listen more to my heart.. listen to all, but do what I feel like doing.. what I think will make me happy, not what will make other’s happy or what they think will make me happy..

I have to be more daring.. I have to try new things.. to fight for what I want.. to stop procrastinating.. I will not allow circumstances take control over my life.. I’ll follow my plan for a new beginning, and I’ll be dedicated for achieving it..

I need to have a healthier life style.. watch out for what I’m eating, and work a lot on my fitness.. I need to lose all those extra kilos I gained just by letting myself go with the circumstances.. I’ll be stronger now, and I’ll be able to stop myself from ruining my own health..

I need to connect more with my own self.. I need to express myself more.. I need to talk and talk.. to read and write.. to socialize, see new people, love and be loved.. I need to find my partner, it is not an easy thing, and most probably I have nothing to do regarding this issue, but I’ll list it as one of my wishes for this new year..

I guess I’m done for now.. may be later I can add more things..

Wishing the world a better year to come.. a happy 2011..