MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I need to talk.. I know it is not something new for people to have this need.. however, it is a new thing for me.. I am a silent person by nature.. I adore listening.. but I've had enough.. and no, I don't even feel that writing will satisfy this need I have for expressing myself.. I need the human interaction of talking.. I don't want solutions, because there isn't any.. I simply feel like talking talking and talking.. and guess what, the new thing is I want to talk about myself.. yes yes, this rarely happens, I need to talk about how I feel, what's upsetting me.. how am I seeing things.. and I need to be understood.. understood perfectly as if I'm talking to myself.. difficult, isn't it?!

How has been life treating me lately?
Umm.. I've passed through tough time.. my mum was seriously ill, and she passed away 20 days ago.. is this what I want to talk about? am I not able to do this directly?! may be..
The direct three days after she passed away were really hectic.. people coming for condolences and so on.. plus before it I rarely was able to sleep for a month or something.. so I was really tired to even realize what happened.. As time goes by, I feel I miss her.. I really feel lonely without her.. we were different characters, but despite this she was the only person who knows it when I'm not feeling well.. to the extent that in her last days we were in the hospital.. and she was almost unconscious, and I was very sad about what I was hearing from the doctors.. and she kept asking "What's wrong with you".. I couldn't help but burst into tears, she still cared for every single person in spite of all what she was going through..

I didn't take a long vacation from work after she passed away.. it was only the weekend, and the fourth day I was at work.. people thought I was a strong person and I appeared as if nothing happened.. but no one knew how I really felt.. I was just escaping being with myself.. I succeeded at the beginning.. but not for so long..

I miss her.. and I feel that the responsibility I have is really heavy, and I'm not up to it.. I'm not able to take care of my dad and brother.. and I'm not accepting any help from my aunts.. actually, I hate it when they offer any help, they are trying to replace her, but they will never be able to do so.. at times I feel she will open the door and just enter and be with us..

She has always wanted to be the mother of the bride.. but unfortunately it didn't happen.. I wished to get married while having her beside me, advising and helping me out.. I wished her to be with me getting my first baby..

I'm really tired without you mum..