The key is in mutual understanding and acceptance
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Communication with other people has been such a big issue for me. Being an introvert by nature makes it difficult for me to get along easily with other people. Especially if I’m introduced to them for the first time, in such situations I can’t act in a friendly. Some might think of that as being rude, but I’m not. I just don’t know where to start and most of the time I feel that these first time relations are superficial. Although, I might find someone having the same interests of mine, and that’s where a communication might start.
I’m very quiet, and I don’t talk a lot except when something triggers me to talk, it’s only then when I could go blabbering for a long time.
As a result of me not having that ability of breaking the ice, it takes me a very long time to develop a deep relation with someone. That might last for a year or so. Through this long period of time, I get to know about the person, their way of thinking, and their way of dealing with people.
I believe that these relations that are built by that slow pace, are the relations that last for long time, coz they are a result of mutual understanding and acceptance between people.
Despite all that, I still try to keep a distance between me and people. It’s a thin line which I try my best not to cross. Crossing that line means that this relation has developed to an intimate relation which has two contradictory results which are loving and hating the person.
That person becomes part of me, whom I’d never hide anything from and I’d be always an open book for. But the other result is, I get very attached to this person. Just the thought of losing them might get me mad. That feeling of attachment is sometimes translated into a possessive attitude. It’s then when a conflict is created inside me.
When the relation is developed to that point, I really need a certain kind of treatment. And that’s what I mean by mutual understanding. To be understood by the other side, and not to be mistakenly judged by things that I do unintentionally. Coz I need that kind of intensive care from close people to me. I might refuse that kind of care from other people, but I need it from those whom I care for.
Being aware of all this, leads me to blame myself for being that over sensitive person, and I always blame myself for spoiling any relation. I always accuse myself of being the person I am and not changing that about me, and I feel that I’m always the result for any conflicts that arise.
The result of accusing myself is turning to be aggressive to try to protect myself from other people. Trying to avoid being hurt.
It’s amazing how this is the normal scenario for most of my relations with people.
Despite the fact that I blame myself for that.. but still other sides are to be blamed. They didn’t understand me enough, or they understood me but they didn’t care enough.
I don’t know.. it hurts to feel that people you need around aren’t there for you.
posted by MoonLightShadow at 8:59 PM, | 
(Your profile photo is lovely, by the way.)