What a day!!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

It’s my last day of exams ever.. thought it would be one of my best memories, but actually it’s one of the worst. I wasn’t by anyway in a state to write about anything, but thought I shouldn’t be missing writing about it.

I never though I could have that extreme changes of mood all in one day! Let’s see how it started.. and how it ended.

Before going to the exam I was very stressed, not as a result of my exam, rather I was worried about my brother’s exam. Thank God he did well. Going to my exam, it was three questions, summing the whole syllabus as if he asked us to write all what we know about the course. Anyways, it went fine.

Being it last day, we some kind of celebrated at college.. photos, balloons, autographs.. etc.. Up till that moment things were very fine, I was happy, enjoying my time.

After that we were supposed to have an outing somewhere. As usual my friends take action in a very slow motion.. so I thought I’d go visit my grandparents, stay there till they decide where are they going. Called after a while, “Have u decided where you are going?” I asked. And I got the expected reply, a place that I don’t actually want to go to, and that was after about an hour. I thought okay.. I’ll go home, have some rest, then drop by them. I didn’t do that.. I just went home, had a little chit chat with my parents. Seems I was in a very bad need for that! As if a little kid running for her mum.

Went there to the place where my friends were.. We were having a surprise birthday party for a friend.. till then things were fine.

Then they started that game of spin the mobile.. still didn’t have problems, I was just watching, I said I’m out of the game.. Things developed to somehow analyzing each other and such stuff… Still kept sitting there.. Then suddenly out of nowhere my friend who actually asked me to join them there said she will go somewhere else. And that was the start.

Can’t describe the feeling I had at that moment.. I went to a place I don’t want to go to, with the group of people she specified.. and then you are leaving me there.. umm, sounds childish I know, but I was very upset.

The moment something provokes me, I get very aggressive, some kind of self protection which sometimes harm others. Whenever I reach that state, I prefer being kept away from people. So, at that moment the whole group was leaving. They were going to the place I wanted to go to at the very first beginning. Of course I should have been happy, but, unfortunately I wasn’t. I was already in that state of don’t come near me.. and I just went home silently, even without saluting the people (sounds very rude).

In my way home, I wasn’t able to avoid tears rolling down.. deep inside I had a very strong feeling of pain.. it’s not because of that incidence, but I was crying over myself.
My weird actions with which I’m punishing myself. The usual conflict between Me and I.

Reached home, burst into tears, needed to do something more than that.. break something.. may be that would get the negative energy out. I didn’t do so, neither was I able to sleep, nor do anything. Just wanted to get rid of myself.

Then talked with my friend about the whole thing, and I got very provoking answers..

Wished I had spent that day in much better way.
 
posted by MoonLightShadow at 1:58 AM, |

11 Comments:

Why didnt you just leave with your friend? Sounds like you didnt enjoy the outings or the group in the first place!
I enjoyed the group.. most of them are my friends, very few were people I don't know.. but they were all nice.

The point might be that I'm not used to them much.. and I don't get used to people quickly. However, I enjoyed their company.

I sound contradicting.. but yeah as u said, I should have left after a short while.. may be all the consequences wouldn't have happened.
Just try not to feel insecure about leaving a group whenever you want, thinking you will be missing something, or would be left-out. You are just sensitive and emotional. Don't blame it on your friend who left, just be more free, and do what makes you feel comfortable. You are a free spirit inside, so let it be an outside attitude too.
"You are just sensitive and emotional."

Exactly that's what it's all about :(
Just know how to enjoy yourself I guess, even when in big company (they call that being crazy.. but works for me :)
I agree with Mohamed, you should learn how to enjoy yourself! Don't let anything and anyone bring you down - most of the times that is not their intention in the first place. It doesn't matter if you don't like or know half of the group or if your best friend there wants a change of setting! Just remember you're there to have fun, that's all...
I know how being upset with yourself can really mess things up for you. I've been in a similar situation, but it lasted for months. Although it might sound a cliché, it all depends on you. I had to eventually accept that simple idea in order to be myself again...
I also used to depend on the people I was friends with and couldn't imagine having fun with anyone else...That changed when those friends were out of my life, for different reasons. I had to learn to be comfortable with people I hardly knew.
I don't want to sound allknowing!:)) Or to give lessons of life!:) I just see myself 5 months ago...
"Just know how to enjoy yourself"

If only I know how.. I guess things would have been much better.

I also used to depend on the people I was friends with and couldn't imagine having fun with anyone else

That might be one of my major problems. Something that I gotta change in myself one day or the other. My dependency on some people to exist, else I'm not happy. Deep inside myself I feel the need for people around, but still I hate to feel that it's other people that are controlling me. For that reason, sometimes I tend to act in a weird way.

I don't want to sound allknowing!:)) Or to give lessons of life!:)

Not at all. Your experiences are more than welcomed :)It's nice to know that there are other people feeling the same as I do, and to know that they got over it.
Well, I did, but i got over it the hard way..That's why I blabbed so much on the topic! I found myself onday completely alone with around six friends less on my list..It was more painful then it should've been just because they represented around 80% of my close friends list...
talk about poeple in a bad mood...
i dunno them, but ther's a rule statin that whenever an outin starts suckin, everybody is allowed to leave @ once...
n, u shldn't have gone out with a bad mood from the beginin...
itsortaaffects the whole atmosphere..
talk about poeple in a bad mood...
i dunno them, but ther's a rule statin that whenever an outin starts suckin, everybody is allowed to leave @ once...
n, u shldn't have gone out with a bad mood from the beginin...
itsortaaffects the whole atmosphere..
You know what Sheryos, I'm still suffering the effect of that day up untill now!