Sunday, March 10, 2013
I always feel dissatisfied.. feel that I’m missing something.. feel that I’m not in the best status.. always looking forward for something to happen.. always thinking that it is this thing that I don’t have is what will make me happy.. and suddenly, I just realized that I was mistaken.. I’m simply running after anything for the sake of running..
Well, I have to admit something, I’m approaching 30 and this is terrifying me.. Nonsense I know.. but it is a fact that I cannot deny or even change.. I fear getting old without finding a life partner to share my life with.. at the same time, I can’t imagine the idea of giving up my independence.. I enjoy my freedom.. I enjoy my loneliness.. I fear the commitment.. I fear the responsibility.. I fear the compromise.. and most important, I fear failure!
Marriage in our society is such a complicated process from all aspects.. it requires hell of effort with no guarantees of success.. it is a huge burden that I don’t think I can take.. that’s a fact that I just realized today.. I can easily get suffocated by people.. I always like to keep my distance.. I don’t like to feel liable towards someone..
However, I need to be someone’s first priority.. I need to feel cared for.. secured.. dependent.. loved.. I know I can’t have it all.. but I can’t compromise.. I’m very specific about what I want.. I need to be overwhelmed.. and I need it to be continuous..
I need a lot of things.. and I have nothing to offer in return.. not only this, but I have discovered that I’m no longer a fighter.. the moment I realize there is a challenge, I simply give up.. that’s not who I used to be, but that’s who became of me!
Disappointed in me?! I was disappointed in myself!