MoonLightShadow - A baby figuring her way out

I definitely should care for what I wish for. Seems I no longer know what is it that I want.. I wonder if I ever knew!

I keep going.. I don’t control how things go.. but I just follow the flow and let go.. the thing is, everything is going as I think I want.. I mean, I wished to graduate with certain grades.. and it happened.. I wished to work in a multinational and it happened.. I wished to take that certain position, and things went typically as I thought it would.. I dreamt of travelling, and I travelled..

However, and despite all this, I’m not happy.. I’m not satisfied.. I feel the happiness for few moments.. and then I realize that I’m not satisfied.. I’m not willing to exert more effort to keep what I’ve got.. is it because I didn’t really want it?! Or it’s because I’m too lazy to exert the effort.. or it's becase I easily get bored.. I don’t know..

I’m thrown in the middle of no where.. and that’s because I’ve got that title.. am I up to it.. can I really handle the challenge.. at times I wonder why did I do this to myself.. can’t I rest still for a while and just enjoy other things about life, and stop having these challenges in my life?!!

I’m not sure about anything.. I have too many unfinished business in my head… I’m totally distracted.. I’ve got a lot to learn, in a very short time.. I’m feeling nervous and anxious about it.. simply I’m afraid.. I fear the responsibility.. at times I feel I’m too young for it.. but all people around keep telling me that I’m up to it.. I wonder what is it that they see in me and I don’t see!

I’m falling again in the same mistake of giving work too much of my time.. though I need some time for my family, especially for my mum, I already feel guilty coz I’m not helping her out.. and most important, I need time for myself.. I miss being with myself.. I no longer sit and contemplate with myself.. I’m all the time in a hurry.. even the gym, went and paid couple of days ago, and just went once!

Putting all this aside, there is something else going in my mind.. I don’t even have the time to put my hands on it.. but still it’s consuming from my brain energy.. couple of days ago went to check the new Heliopolis Diwan, it’s nice, but I still love the Zamalek branch.. I found myself going towards those relationship books.. do I really need to read these books?! Is there something that I’d change in myself?! Is it really that I need to understand more?! I’m not sure.. may be the only thing I’m sure about is; I always make the wrong selection!